She Smiles At The Future

How's it going?

2012-02-01T23:26:00.001-06:00

Everyone is always asking me how it's going. If I'm adjusting. How does it feel? Well, it depends on the day. I can say that I fall in love with my daughter more and more every day. When she started smiling at me as a response - it was like a whole new life for me began. She is growing really fast. So, we nap a lot. Plus she doesn't sleep through the night. Not anymore. She was between her first and second month because she slept on her boppy. But, she quickly out grew it and then stopped the sleeping all night. However, she is doing better recently. As you can see I am able to blog again. She still wakes up for a bottle at least once a night (and by that I mean between the hours of usually 11:00-7:00). More often though she is waking up at 5:00 or 6:00 (hours of the morning that I scarsly knew exsisted before) and not allowing me to put her down for the night until midnight. Or sometimes even later. I've learned to praise the Lord for 3 straight hours of sleep. More than that is a straight out miracle. I recently read in the book (the what to expect the first year book) that some children just require less sleep. Oh Lord... This mommy, if allowed, could sleep for twelve hours. Of course God would give me a child that could take it or leave it altogether. What a sense of humor He has. Olive is going to be 4 mos on Feb. 5 We have a big week ahead of us next week. We have to get her next round of shots (oh how I dread it), a WIC appointment, and 4 month well baby check up. For me, getting Olive out is such a chore. So, it's going to be some week. We've gotten into somewhat of a routine. I have a friend coming twice a week for three hours a time so that I can do house work, run errands, or just plan take a peaceful shower and a nap. She has been a Godsend to me. Over all I would say that we are getting along okay. Having hubby gone all week is honestly very hard. On both of us. Aside from praying that a good close-to-home job presents itself, there isn't anything that can be done. So, we soldier on.

As Requested

2011-12-27T19:52:00.003-06:00

Time

2011-12-24T21:52:00.001-06:00

They always say it. Time flies. Especially when it comes to your children. I guess I would say that it is true. Most days I feel like I'm just trying to get through to the next. And then the next. Everyone says that I should enjoy every moment of Olive's babyhood while it lasts. But it is hard to do that when you are living so in the present.
Olive is 10 weeks old now. Everyday she is learning and changing. Just when I think I have her figured out, I don't. Just when I think we are settling into some routine, we aren't. She was sleeping pretty much through the night, and then she wasn't (isn't). She is holding her head up really well. She has had a strong neck from the beginning. She is even sitting up (with some assistance) for a few seconds to a minute before laying back against one of us. She is putting both hands up to her mouth. She is very alert. Turning her head from side to side with ease. She smiles on purpose. Once she laughed out loud. Last night she very deliberately reached up and pulled her pacifier out of her mouth and then held onto it for several minutes. For Christmas we got her an excersauser and she loves it.
Speaking of Christmas; for the past several holiday seasons I have been sort of scroogy. Christmas is hard for an infertile woman waiting to be a mother. This year..... well it has been different. I haven't really been more joyful but I suppose less sour. The fact is that Olive is too young to enjoy the holiday and I have a heavy heart for all those that are still waiting for their miracle. So, I am still holding my breath and wishing that it were over already.
For the New Year I plan to make a few resolutions, which is unusual for me.

Take more time to blog.... some how.
Take more time to enjoy my new family of three.
Commit to spending more time in my marriage.
Give the Lord the portion of time that He requires of me everyday.
Learn to manage my time.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

1 Month Old

2011-11-05T21:14:00.000-05:00

Olive is a month old today. Time has just flown by. Having a baby in the house has been a sizable adjustment. I have to say that I think it is even harder on couples who have 1. experienced infertility and been a family of two for any considerable amount of time & 2. have very little to no notice of baby's arrival. Our world changed in 3 days. Everything is different including the way we (hubby and I) relate to each other. Honestly, it has been really hard and even at sometimes terrible - but we are getting settled. I may write in more detail about my experience with this later. For right now I just want to keep things positive around here.

Olive is growing quickly. She is already 10 lbs! Overall she is a really good baby. She usually only cries when she really needs something. She has thrush, a herniated belly button, and neonatal teeth but other than that she is healthy. We are so blessed. My motto has been "My goal everyday is to keep her alive". I say it with a light hearted laugh, but most of the time a part of me half way means it. I am not at all confident in my mothering skills. It amazes me how life becomes very basic and primal with a newborn. Every little thing is an event, so all extra tasks; the ones that are not absolutely necessary go out the window. When she poops and burps there is a celebration. I've been staying with my mother during the week since hubby travels for his job. She and I have bonded on a whole new level. I'm so glad to get to experience this with her and I'm forever thankful for her help! I have no idea how some women do this totally on their own.

We had our first post placement visit on Oct. 17th. It went fine. We have been in contact with our lawyer to get things rolling. MamaT still hasn't had any contact with the agency. I think about her all the time. I wish I could be sharing these things with her.

Happy 1 month birthday Olive!

At Long Last

2011-10-12T22:36:00.002-05:00

I hope you'll forgive me for keeping you suspense. After all I'm pretty busy now.

At this moment miss Olive is resting against Nana's (my mom) chest. She has been so spoiled this week. Wow, she is a week old already. That just doesn't seem possible. A week ago today...

Around 11:00 a.m. on Wednesday the 5th I heard N's ringtone sound off from my phone. I remember thinking, "What could she want?". We had been on a break, so I didn't expect to be hearing from her much until the new year. She said that there had been a baby girl born this morning. I was sort of annoyed that she was calling. Why is she telling me this stuff when we didn't want to be shown right now. She said that all they knew right now was the baby was a girl, she was african american, and the birthmom wanted a family that didn't have children. Which is why she called. Since there are only a few families that are open to african american babies and have no children, she wanted to give the birthmom as many profiles as she could. I told her that I would talk to hubby and call her back. I figured he would say no. We were still healing from BabyZ and Ella Grace. To my surprise he didn't. He said to tell N that we would like more information. So, I did. Around 2:00 p.m. N called again and said that baby was healthy. Birthmom did not report any substance abuse or medical/mental problems. I called hubby back and all of the sudden we were back in the game again. I let N know that we did want to be shown. Very shortly after she called and said that we had been picked. She said that R (who was handling the case) had already shown us (forgetting about our break) and that Mama T (what I will be calling Olive's birthmom) picked us. It was unbelievable! We were chosen again. But, my hubby was in Iowa! He travels for his job. At first I thought, well I will just have to go and do this on my own. Thankfully, my mom agreed to go with me to see her. On Thursday the 6th (also my 30th birthday) we meet N & R at the hospital @ 10:15 a.m. They got us a small room (which ended up being our room to stay) and brought her to us. I had to ask if they had brought us the right baby. Her skin was so light. She looked Caucasian. The nurse assured me that she was the right one. She said that she may get darker, or she may not. In fact, she already has darkened slightly. I just stood there. I was scared to death to hold her. I looked over at my mom and I knew that if I didn't she was going too. After some awkwardness picking her up I held her. She was beautiful. So, so beautiful. I felt content. Not at all the way that I felt the first time I held BabyZ or Ella Grace. R told us that Mama T had signed herself out of the hospital the night before. R said that she had spent some time with Olive, but that she seemed sure about adoption. Mama T did not want any contact, just pictures at the agency. I'm hoping that will change. It has always been my goal to have at least a semi open adoption. My mom and I cared for Olive in the hospital that night. At least for a while anyway before I utilized the convenience of the nursery down the hall. Hubby finally arrived on Friday morning. The daddy in him was already showing again. Olive was perfect. She ate like a horse. She had regular wet and dirty diapers. She burped easily and slept well. After seeing such a sick baby in Ella Grace, it was a relief. It is a blessing that I won't take for granted. My mom got a hotel so that hubby and I could spend some time with her. Surrenders were scheduled to be signed Saturday morning. Caring for Olive bonded me to her during those 2 days. The fact that Mama T could change her mind really didn't exist for me. I didn't need her to sign to make Olive mine, she already was. R came into our room around 10:30 a.m. and said she was ours. Seconds later the tiny room was filled with people asking questions, giving us info, and shuffling papers. It was funny because a nurse still had to wheel me out in a wheel chair even though I hadn't given birth. Then we were on our way home. We made a few stops so that we could share her with our families. Our first night, my hubby got up with her and let me rest. Being in the hospital had been exhausting. We went to church on Sunday and showed her off. She has had several visitors. Now I am staying with my parents because hubby had to go back to work today. I don't think that everything has totally set in with me yet. But, I'm adjusting. It's been a long road to get to Olive. A long, hard road. She was so worth everything.

Introducing.....

2011-10-08T21:28:00.001-05:00

Our daughter!

Olive (that's what I'm calling her in blogland)

born 10-5-11 @ 5:22a.m.

weight: 6lbs 10oz

length: 19 inches

placed in our hearts 10-8-11 @ 10:30a.m.

and she has the longest fingers I've ever seen on a baby - really she does.

I will post the whole story soon, but for now just enjoy the picture and the glory of it all!

She was absolutely worth the wait!

BabyZ at 2 months

2011-10-03T20:53:00.001-05:00

I wish the picture was better but I'm sure she took it with her phone. I've been stalking K on facebook, almost daily. We aren't "friends" but I am able to see some things. She posted this picture recently. It's the only picture she has posted of BabyZ. I find that sort of odd that she wouldn't be showing off scads of pictures of her new little girl. But, anyway.... she is growing more beautiful all of the time.

Photo Contest

2011-09-19T16:11:00.002-05:00

I entered the above photo in the Photobucket Pet Costume Contest. Click here to vote for us!

Dilation and Curettage

2011-09-11T15:54:00.001-05:00

I had my D&C on Thursday morning. Despite everything that was going on, everyone encouraged me to get it over with. My mom and I got up really early. I had to be at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. and it takes around 45 minutes to get there. The procedure was scheduled for 7:30, but I didn't yet have any of my pre-surgery stuff done yet. It was a good thing we were really early, because when we got there the office didn't really have any record of me. Finally, the woman tracked down some paperwork and created some new. While she was working she shared her life story with me. I tend to have that affect on people. Especially women. So, there I sat awaiting surgery at 6 something in the morning and this middle aged woman was telling me all about her divorce. I'll just say that she is a very bitter divorcee right now. I told her I would be praying for her and hugged her. On our way up in the elevator my mom told me that it was the social worker gene in me. She's been in social work for many years.

We waited in the waiting area for just a few minutes before they called me back. The first thing awaiting me was the scales. The very last thing that I wanted to see that morning. It wasn't pretty folks. Then a nurse (she stayed with me until the operating room) showed me to my pre-op room. I peed in a cup. Seriously, I despise peeing in a cup. It's a trapeze act. It never fails that I will pee all over everything. The cup, my hand, the toilet, etc. Then I took everything off and put on my gown, booties, and hat. The nurse told me to make myself comfortable on the gurney. And people started filing through. A foreign man, he had a European accent, took several vials of blood from my right arm. I was so impressed that he was able to get the stick on the first try. I warned him that my veins are deep and they roll. Those blood people always take that as a personal challenge. I figure it's good for them though. About the same time my nurse started working on my left side. She needed to get an I.V. started. I told her that in the past I had them in the back of my hands. It hurts, but it's fast and it's a sure fire way to get a vain on me. She made quick work of it also. These people were good! Then came the anesthesiologists. I told them that I had a really bad experience the last time I was under and they figured out their plan of action right there in front of me. I thought that was really cool. A few other medical people came in and introduced themselves since they would be assisting. Finally, my doctor arrived. Just before she got there they had given me my first relaxer. So, I was a little woozy. They gave me more before my ride. Everything got fuzzy but I didn't mind. I remember hearing the things going on in the hallway as they wheeled me off. I opened my eyes when they got me into the operating room. I scooted from the gurney to the table when they told me too. The table was hard and narrow. I didn't know what to do with my arms. It was like they read my mind. Someone pulled out arm rests on each side. I was like, "Oh, how convenient". A lady put a mask over my face. I am very claustrophobic when it comes to things over my face. But, the medication was doing it's job and I didn't seem to care. Then I realized that those arm rests weren't really for my comfort. They intended to strap me down. I had the thought,"If they strap me down I'm going to freak out". I'm not usually real big on loss of control. But, I didn't. Dang that stuff was good! A woman was speaking softly to me. Telling me that everything was going well. "Let's go to a happy place", she said. "How about some place tropical". I meant to answer her that it sounded good to me, but I didn't get a chance. I was out.

When I woke up, there was a lot of stuff going on around me. There were people laying on gurneys on each side of me. It was like a recovery line up. I must have tried to take a deep breath. I don't think that I woke up coughing. But, I spent probably next 10 minutes doing so. There was a rattle in my throat and I couldn't get it out. A nurse was standing near me and I told her I needed to spit. She handed me some tissues. I spit and was horrified to see blood. Blood coming from the mouth = PANIC! I started spitting up as much as I could while crying at the same time. I couldn't breath. I said that I wanted my mom several times. People just kept walking passed me and looking at me. I felt like I wasn't getting any help. I was the only one concerned about the fact that I was obviously hemorrhaging. I knew my mom would demand action if she knew how I was being ignored. But, they told me that she wasn't allowed back there. I continued to cough and sputter. At the foot of my appeared one of the anesthesiologists. A woman. The same woman that had been talking to me before I passed out. She explained to me that during intubation they scratched my throat. Thanks to the show E.R. I knew what intubation was. She said that the blood was normal and not to be scared. I told her I couldn't breath and she said they were working on that. Just then someone put another mask over my face. They were giving me a breathing treatment. I questioned the woman at the end of my bed. I had seen enough of those done at daycare to know what was going on. She said that my oxygen was a little low. She asked me about asthma. I mentioned it to her before, but I only have it with allergies. Well, not anymore. She said that my tubes were constricting. My panic attack had only made things worse. After the treatment they had me suck on an inhaler and then put those breathing tube things in my nose. Normally I wouldn't like those either, but I was just happy for the assistance. Finally I was stable enough to get a room. Oh, wait I forgot about how badly I had to pee. I told everybody that came near me that I had to pee so bad. I'm really surprised that I didn't wet the bed. Just outside of my room, two nurses worked to get me standing upright so I could visit the bathroom. I shuffled in and just barely got sat down. Man, oh man, did it hurt though. I guess after being catheterized urinating can sometimes be painful at first. If I could have hit the ceiling I would have. I had a few more of those after too. It was like passing razor blades. I spent some time in my little room. My mom joined me and the nurse watching my oxygen. I coughed more. My throat was on fire and I couldn't take a deep breath. They ordered a chest x-ray for me just to make sure I didn't aspirate any of the blood into my lungs. That was interesting. The nurse wasn't very good at driving a gurney. Then it took three people to hold all of my devices (and me) for the x-ray. It turned out fine though. When I got back to my room, my dad and husband had arrived. Apparently I had spent so much time in the various recovery stages that they had time to get there. Finally I had been stable enough long enough that I could go home. It was around 12:30 p.m. by the time we left.

The procedure had gone fine. My doctor said that no matter how hard she tried to keep my cervix dilated, it would clamp down on her. I think it's funny that I'm uptight even when I'm totally out. She said that I have the smallest pelvic area she ever saw. No duh. She sent some of the tissue off to be tested, but she didn't think that I had cancer or anything. I've done really well the past few days. I haven't really had any cramping. I'm still bleeding a little, but hopefully it will stop very soon. My biggest complaint has been my throat. But, it's nothing that banana Popsicles can't fix. Over all, it wasn't the worst experience ever and I hope that it was worth it.

Our New Baby Match

2011-09-05T13:01:00.000-05:00

Desire Cometh

I'm actually going to post adoption stuff on my adoption blog. Amazing huh.

Visit it to read about our new baby match.

The Results Are In

2011-09-03T00:43:00.000-05:00

Drum roll please.........................

They don't know.

*cymbal hits the floor*

So, I'm on to the D&C. Even though we still don't have insurance. I'm having it on next Thursday September 8th in the morning. I'm hoping for some really awesome financial assistance from the hospital.

Special Note: There is more to the story, but I'm not ready to put it out there yet. It's totally bizare and may be nothing. It warrents further action and if it is confirmed by the proper professionals then I will share. {No, I'm not pregnant}

Gettn Me Some Proben

2011-08-31T00:00:00.000-05:00

Warning: Another Not So Man Friendly Post!!!

I imagine the picture would scare any man away any way.

Yep. That thing is going where you think it's going. Uh, not the whole thing - just the skinny part. Believe me, when you see it coming at ya it seems to be a lot though. Rest assured, it does fit. By the time the proceedure is over you have the feeling that the radiologist must have got a good look at your lungs in addition to everything else. It's been a while since I had a transvaginal ultrasound, but I remember it well. It's hard to forget something like that. Being violated by a total stranger (Oh, I hope I have a woman tomorrow!) with a plastic wand. And no it is not the same as the vibrating kind. There is no "eyes rolling up into your head" experiance. It's total sterile, medical humiliation. And I am lucky enough to be getting one tomorrow. Please pray that the radiologist is a woman! No man is strong enough to pry these knees apart (excpet for my husband).

Health Update

2011-08-26T22:40:00.000-05:00

I'm still bleeding a little. I don't think I have passed anymore tissue though. However, my ovaries feel like they are trying to burst out of my body. Especially my left one. The pain is exhausting. I've been no good all day. I slept until noon and lived on the couch and my comfy chair at the computer. Television and computer helps take my mind off it some. From 1 to 10 I would gage the pain at only a 4 I guess, but it is pretty much constant. And there is a lot of pressure. My doctor doesn't want to do the D&C now until I have insurance, which still may be a few weeks away. But, as I said there hasn't been anymore tissue so I'm not sure I would need it. I'm considering calling the office on Monday and requesting birth control again. There is one kind on the $4 list that I've taken before. I'm not sure it would make her very happy. I don't think she wants me to go back on the pill. Actually, I don't either. But, I do want to feel better! I do want to stop the bleeding. I want to stop worrying about my health and refocus my attention on adoption again. Birth control is not a miracle pill. But, it may be what my body wants. It has depended on it for so long.

Mess

2011-08-23T13:41:00.000-05:00

When my niece was just learning to talk and associate words she used to say "Mess" in her cute little voice. *Smile* usually the mess was made by her.

Well, I've made a mess myself. I really should never blogged about our alleged "ttc window", as I've come to call it. It's been one big mess. Sunday I started bleeding again. Not a lot, but enough to annoy me. And worry me. On Monday morning I got word from my doctor that if I wasn't done bleeding by Wednesday that I would need a D&C. This did not make me happy. But, I was somewhat relieved to here that maybe there was something else that could be done to make this morbid marathon come to an end. I've been bleeding for more than a month. My ttc dreams were melting. As of right now, I haven't had anymore bleeding since Sunday night. Am I cured? We'll see. What about ttc? I don't know.

Did I have a miscarriage? Well, I don't know about that either. I don't think I did, but who knows. I have been passing tissue starting with a large piece on Sunday. However, everything I've read about miscarriages - the tissue is usually pink or gray. I've only had dark red. Also, I haven't really had an cramping. I've had some uncomfortable feelings in my tummy, but I wouldn't call them cramps. More like soreness and tight feelings. And would I really be bleeding for so long? What has been happening with me? I just don't know. It may have been due to just not having a period for several months prior to all this. It all boils down to how screwed up my body is. It's a mess.

Our Adoption Fundraiser

2011-08-23T12:59:00.000-05:00

Our Adoption Fundraiser

Inspirational t-shirts that will help us pay for our adoption finalization fees. The company saves the proceeds for us and then when the time comes they send a check directly to our agency. Only the shirts on our fundraiser website count towards us. Please buy a shirt and support us!

Better Late Than Never

2011-08-20T19:41:00.000-05:00

Well, we are a little behind from what I thought our schedule would be (which is why I changed the ticker). I was determined to wait until I was finished bleeding. Finally, today I seem to have stopped. So, the baby making shall commence tomorrow. I will take my last estrogen pill tomorrow night - and I'm ready. Estrogen is not my friend. I've had headaches, been totally uptight (like even more than usual), and I'm pretty sure it has given me heartburn and possibly paranoia. Or maybe those last two symptoms are just me.

Anyway, keep us in your prayers and send us some baby dust!

The Pink Pacifier

2011-08-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

You will notice in the pictures of BabyZ that she is using a pink pacifier. It was the pacifier that we brought with us. She learned to suck by using it. When we said goodbye it stayed with her in her crib. I guess I was hoping that I would see it again - along with her. When N called us with the bad news, one of the only things I said was that I would like to have that pacifier back to remember BabyZ with since she actually used it. N said she would try to get it back. However, she didn't. N didn't say why she couldn't get it for me and I didn't ask. I hope that K is using it for BabyZ. But, I have my doubts. Most of all, I can't stop thinking about it. Everyday I think about that pink pacifier and BabyZ using it. I would love to have it so that I could feel better connected to her. But, I can't. For all I know, K may have tossed it. I have strong feelings about this. Very strong!

Pap me if you dare

2011-08-16T21:51:00.000-05:00

*WARNING- Not Man Friendly Reading*

I've been having some lady equipment issues. Without going over all the details, lets just say that as usual my junk is messed up. I've been dealing with it for a few weeks now. I finally broke down and went to the doctor today. I really hate going to the doctor. I'm a terrible patient. At least I imagine that I am to a doctor. And we don't have any insurance. We haven't had any since the hubby lost his job back in Oct. 2010. But, I went. I knew they would pap me. I HATE those! I've had dozens since 2003, but I never get used them. They are easier, but never fun. IFers are export pap-ers. The nurse (also my sis-n-law) put out the tools and told me the doctor would be with me in a moment. As I sat there the speculum was staring at me. Daring me to bolt out the backdoor of the office. Then I realized how much the spreader part looks like a dolphin head. "I don't need to be afraid of that thing", I thought. Then I started getting mental images of a dolphin and um... lady bits. The doctor came into the room with me laughing out loud at the silliness. She asked me how my nerves were doing? (considering the adoption loss and all) For a second I think she may have thought that I lost it. I assured her that I was as sane as usual. We got the hard part over and she prescribed estrogen. Later my sis-n-law called to tell me that the doctor forgot to mention that I will be fertile for a few weeks. It was a big shocker because I never consider myself fertile. But, now it seems that I have a ttc (trying to conceive) opportunity. And I'm taking it. I'm not sure what I would do if I actually did get pregnant. It's never seemed this possible before. So, we'll see.

*POS means Pee On a Stick*

The BabyZ Show

2011-08-13T01:33:00.002-05:00

Click the pink speaker to hear the song.

You Knew!

2011-08-12T23:06:00.001-05:00

"I don't understand why you are so upset - you knew that she might parent". Well, that is a true statement. I did know that. And if that had been the only issue things would have been a lot easier. Let me play out that scenario for us:

We arrive at the hospital to discover that K has decided to parent. We are sad, but I give K a hug and smile over at her babyZ and know that everything is going to be okay. My hubby and I walk hand-in-hand back to our car and drive home.

But, that's not what happened. K lied to us, manipulated us, and strung us along for three days while we waited just two doors down. If she had chosen not to do that; yes, I would still be sad about not bringing home a baby but I could deal with everything much better. I would not feel dooped, angry, guilty, and just plain stupid. I would not feel a loss of trust in birthmoms.

Did I know that she could and might decide to parent? Of course! Did I know that she was going to act the way she did. NO! I would never treat someone that way, therefore I don't expect someone to do those things to me. K made a choice. She choose to shred the connection that I thought I had with her. That I had hoped I would have with her in the future. I was so open to having her be apart of our lives. Now, I don't know that I want that with any birthmom. Oh, we will still have somewhat of an open adoption because our agency insists on it. But, I won't be able to open my heart to another birthmom the way I did with K. I'm upset because she ruined it.

I Won!

2011-08-10T21:11:00.000-05:00

I Won!

Ashley @ Expecting Miracles had a giveaway and I won! Yay!

I won the above burp clothes from Posh House Original. I love the colors and that they are so different from most baby stuff. I'm hoping to get to use them soon.

Go on over to the Posh House Original etsy shop. They are having a SALE on some of their supper cute diaper clutches. $20 down from $28 ($3.75 for US shipping).

Thanks Ashley for brightening my day!

And Life Goes On

2011-08-10T13:27:00.000-05:00

I received this package this morning in my mailbox. I signed up for the free sample weeks and weeks ago. I almost left it in the box rather than bring it in. I didn't figure the mail guy would send it back though. It's so annoying when things you send for actually show up.

Yesterday I helped my parents put away several of the large baby things into a storage unit (along with a bunch of other stuff that belong them).

Everything is going back to the way it was. Back to waiting and hoping. Dreaming and wondering. As if the moment had never existed. Everyday there is a glimpse of a memory, and then I wonder if it really happened or not. Did I really hold her? Were we really matched? Was it all a cruel fantasy? I'm so glad that I go the pictures that I did so that I have proof. I've been watching the video everyday and wishing that I had taken more.

The Beauty of Lessons Learned

2011-08-08T13:42:00.000-05:00

One week since we said goodbye and three years since we started. I've had no choice but to learn some lessons. Lessons in hope & faith. I've seen my marriage suffer & grow. I have felt absolute peace and supreme sorrow. Both in just one small week, and overall in the expanse of three years.

We decided this weekend that we would continue with Domestic Infant Adoption. As much as a part of me wants to pursue other avenues to feel as if I'm being proactive, we are going to be still and know that He is God. We agree that it continues to be His plan for us. So, we follow Him down the path that he is leading us, after our short, blessed detour with BabyZ.

Some other things that I've learned that might be helpful to others:

Over the years I've collected baby things in neutral colors, but when we knew we were getting a girl the last thing I wanted was yellow & green stuff. Had she been a he it might have been different (but I doubt it). I am not a materialistic person so it really shocked me that I had a terrible desire to have pink, girly things for her - but I did. While my mother was happy to provide me with all of the pink stuff I could stand, not everyone has that luxury. If you think that you are doing yourself a favor by buying a ton of gender neutral baby stuff while your waiting for your match, consider the possibility that you might want specific stuff later.
Which brings me to my next lesson learned- upon a match (but not certain placement) keep the buying to a minimum. Both yourself and family & friends. I have a room full of pink baby stuff right now, and no baby. In fact, so does my mother. One of her closets is full of girl clothes from sizes preemie to 24 mos. I have stuff that people made us for her, and even stuff with the name we picked. We may never put any of it to use. It's just sitting in the other room mocking me or taking up space in my mother's home. Some day soon, I'm going to have to open the door on our babyroom and put all of that stuff away. It's going to be torture.
Social workers are way underpaid and under valued. At least the good ones anyway. We are so fortunate to have a good one.
Don't kid yourself. I knew things were fishy way before BabyZ was born, but I didn't want to really admit it. Trust your instincts and don't trust strangers just because they are offering you their baby.
I knew this could happen and I actually thought I could be prepared for it emotionally. There is no way to prepare for loss. NO WAY!
When you are facing an emergency placement, and lets face it - all waiting DIA parents could be, have a plan before hand.

Have a list of things you need to pack. As detailed as you can get it. Your brain isn't working when you get that call to come collect your baby at 3:00 a.m.
Have a standing arrangement with someone to take care of things while you are gone. Your pets, your other children, your home, your mail - whatever you know you couldn't leave without someone looking after.
Have some money saved just for the occasion. Of course it depends on how long you have to stay away. I would recommend planning for $100 for every night you stay in a hotel because you never know what the rates are going to be. If you think you might get stuck staying during a weekend or holiday then you might want to make it $150 or more. Also, plan for meals. We ate in the cafeteria while we stayed at the hospital, but we still spent around $15 a meal. If your eating out then it would be $20 or more every meal. And theres cash for vending machine snacks.
Have a baby bag prepared. For me, a regular diaper bag just wasn't big enough to hold all of the stuff that I wanted to take for caring for BabyZ for three days.
Have an electronics bag & list ready. Cameras, laptops, phones, whatever & their chargers.
Have all of your paperwork organized and in one place so you can just grab it and go.

Don't tell everyone you know about your match. Your happy & excited, but that may not always be the case. Birthmom can and may change her mind at any point in the process before surrenders are signed. It's impossible to un-tell.

My Grieving Process

2011-08-08T01:55:00.002-05:00

Creating different ways to remember her is helping me grieve and move on. Sorry if you get tired of them, but it's my process.

I Don't Hate Her

2011-08-06T14:36:00.000-05:00

I don't hate K. I don't understand why she chose to act the way that she did, but I don't hate her. I have strong feelings towards her right now, but I don't hate her. It's going to take some time, but I know that I will eventually feel compassion and pity for her. I will eventually be able to have enough love in my heart to pray for her too when I pray for BabyZ. I can and will forgive and let go.

Failure or Loss?

2011-08-06T01:15:00.000-05:00

I've discovered that I HATE the phrase "failed adoption". I don't believe that I have failed at anything. I think the word "Loss" works much better. I failed at math in school, I lost my right to adopt a little girl that had been offered to me. See the difference.

We & BabyZ

2011-08-04T00:49:00.001-05:00

Mis-Matched Part 2

2011-08-04T00:13:00.000-05:00

Sunday July 31 around 3:00 a.m.

Our room phone rang. My hubby answered since he was closest to it, and then handed it over to me. K was asking me to come get BabyZ. N had texted earlier and let us know that K planned to keep BabyZ with her for the night. So, I was pleasantly surprised at this development. We got up and hurried down the hall. When I entered her room I saw K holding a crying BabyZ in one hand and trying to fix her a bottle with the other. She told me that BabyZ was hungry but that she was so tired. I told her it was no problem and wheeled BabyZ away before she changed her mind. Back in our room I looked at her feeding chart (we had to keep a journal of when and how much she ate, and also wet & dirty diapers) and BabyZ hadn't eaten or had her diaper changed since 10:00 p.m. 5 hours ago! Also she was wearing a ducky sleeper and pink socks that obviously did not belong to the hospital. I was less than happy. We fed, burped, and changed her and settled in for a little more sleep. We took turns, starting with my hubby holding her for a little over an hour. Around 5 a.m. I took her so he could sleep. I sat in the hospital bed with her resting on my chest. This is the first time I can recall feeling something more than that initial "awe" feeling. For the first time she was all wide eyes. I looked at her and she looked at me. I knew I could love this baby.

6 a.m.

A nurse came in (they always politely knocked before entering) and said they needed to take some blood from BabyZ to check for a wide range of problems. I reluctantly handed her over. She was only gone for about 5 minutes. Then she back snug in my arms. My hubby was snoozing soundly so I continued to keep her. Maybe 15 minutes later another nurse came in and checked her belly ribbon. Belly ribbon = jaundice. The tool they use is so funny. It sort of looks like one of those new thermometers that you swipe across the fore head, only it has a suction cup on the end that glows red. The nurse explained to me that they like the reading to be 8 or under. BabyZ passed with a 7.1. I remember saying to her, "Alright you passed your first test". She smiled so I guess it was pretty funny.

7 a.m.

I was just finishing up feeding her again, when K came in. She apparently had an attack of manors because she knocked this time. She said that she was having pain in our chest (drs discovered that she has heart problems during her pregnancy with BabyZ) and was headed to another floor of the hospital to be checked by her heart doctor. She said she wanted to take BabyZ back to her room to spend a little more time with her before she moved and wouldn't be able to see her again that day. Once they were gone we got our showers and everything. My hubby went and got some breakfast for us from the cafeteria. Biscuits and gravy. I ate, but I didn't really want it. My stomach was tied up in knots. We didn't hear anything from K, or even about her for a while. N texted and said she would be there soon.

8:30 a.m.

N texted and said she was in the building, but that K was asking to talk with her. I'm not sure how long we waited to see N, maybe an hour. She came in and asked us how we were doing. We were physically and emotionally exhausted already and it was only Sunday. We still had at least two more days. Anyway, N told us that she had received a call from K that morning. K had told her that she had decided to parent and that she didn't want to see N or us anymore. But, when N got to the hospital a nurse told her that K was asking for her after all. N talked with her and K said that maybe she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. That was the first time she had ever expressed any indecision, before or after the birth. N had actually been on her way to break the news to us and safely remove us from the situation. Now, K was saying that she wasn't sure. That maybe she wanted to do adoption or maybe she wanted to parent. N said that she really couldn't say for sure which way she thought K was leaning. Because K continued to claim she was still considering adoption we felt that we had to continue with the process. We had to see it through. After a little more counsel, N returned to K's room. Oh, by the way - the whole thing about her chest hurting magically disappeared. She had never even alerted the nurses. The story about her moving rooms had never existed. However, she did convince her O.B. that she was in too much pain to go home. She managed to stay another day.

12:00 p.m.

We had both taken naps while we were waiting to hear something. We decided that we would go down to the cafeteria and have lunch. I texted N to let her know where we were going. When we got down there all I could order was a glass of tea. I just couldn't eat. While I was watching my hubby eat, N came over with a salad on her tray and asked if she could join us. She told us that K was still undecided. We talked about how we were feeling about the situation and what our options were again. N wanted us to know that we could leave the situation if we wanted since K was possibly reversing her plan. She said we could go home if we wanted to. But, neither of us was ready to give up hope. As N was finishing up her meal, K texted her and told her that she wanted to see me. Not us, but me. N asked me if I could handle going alone. I said that I guessed I could. When we got up to her room it turned out that all she wanted was for us to take BabyZ back to our room. She said that the photographer would be around to take her picture, and for reasons that I didn't yet understand she wanted the pictures to be taken in our room with her wearing clothes that we had brought.

The Pictures

We waited for another hour for the photographer to show up. We got a chance to feed and change her again. We discussed whether or not we would cloth her in one of our outfits. N told us that it was up to us. We still hadn't decided when the photographer arrived. She mentioned that some parents preferred skin shots. We thought that was a great idea. That way we weren't putting her in one of our outfits but she also wouldn't be wearing the plain, somewhat dingy looking onsie that K had put on her. It seemed to fit every angle, except for BabyK's. I believe I mentioned that she liked to be swaddled tight. She hated being unwrapped and in diaper only. The photographer was really good, but several times BabyK cried out (which was the first and only time she cried in our care). Suddenly, K came barreling through the doorway asking why her baby was crying. The photographer told her that most babies don't like their picture taken at first. That seemed to calm her down enough that she could go back to her room. Before she did, she said that she wanted all of us to come to her room to review the pictures. When the photographer was satisfied that she had enough shots, we redressed BabyK in her mother's onsie and started back down the hall with her. The photographer handed me a paper and said that we would need to follow certain protocol to be allowed to purchase or even view the pictures online. I handed the paper to N to study and she said she would take care of it. When we got to K's room we viewed the pictures and they were really cute. K didn't mention the fact that BabyZ was undressed so I guess it suited her. The photographer started to explain to K about ordering instructions and mentioned that we would need to do some thing before we could order ours. She was visibly shaken. Her plan had been for us to pay for one of the packages and then according to her we would divide up the pictures. She made it clear that she wanted her pictures today. With the process that we had to follow to have access to the pictures, it was going to be at least two days. She could have her pictures right away, but not through us. She sent us all out of the room, keeping BabyZ who had begun to cry while she was throwing her fit. I noted that she did not so much as look at BabyZ when she started to cry. Ironic huh. We stood in the hallway a minute and told N that we wouldn't be buying any of the pictures. The prices were too high and there was no way that we were buying K's pictures. N agreed. We walked back to our room. It was 3:00 p.m.

Raising Our White Flag- Sunday Evening

N left the hospital but kept in contact via text. She told us that some of K's family were visiting so we should steer clear of her room. We found out that K hadn't told most of her family and friends about the adoption - therefore not about us either. As the day had progressed, we became more and more aware that things were not going our way. I know that sounds silly. While I've been typing this I see that we were being really stupid. Of course it wasn't going our way. Of course she was going to parent. But, in that present we couldn't admit it anymore than she could. I think that we wanted to hold onto that false bit of hope so much. After all K was still saying that she wanted to continue with the adoption plan - maybe. But, her actions were without a doubt that of a woman who would parent. And I'm now sure that it was premeditated. Why else would she have brought baby clothes with her and picked out a name. I couldn't admit that someone could be so mean as to lead us on like that. For dinner, we made one of a series of decisions that was purely for our sanity. We went out to eat. I texted N and told her we were going out and she said she understand that we needed to get away from the hospital for a while. We ate at an Applebees. We didn't want to go back right away so we drove around. I was trying to call my mother. We had almost no cell signal in our room. Only enough to text and even then we had to stand with our hand against the window. I hadn't spoken to my parents or anyone else the whole time. I was eager to hear my mom's voice and hear words of comfort, however now my battery was dying. And of course the charger was in our room. Finally I threw my phone in the floor in frustration and started to wail. All the stress was leaking out. I told my hubby that I was starting to hate K. To my surprise he said "I know". I never know for sure how he is feeling or how much of a situation he is actually picking up on. I told him that I wasn't sure how long I could continue with the charade. Finally being somewhat on the outside looking in, the truth was becoming clear. As we passed by K's room on our way to ours, there were family or friends coming in and out and some huddled around her as she was sitting up in a chair. She was holding BabyZ to her chest. I can't swear to what I saw, but I am almost sure that K was breastfeeding. I practically ran to our room. When we were safe in side, my sister-in-law texted me and I told her things weren't going well. I told her that we wanted to come home. Her reply was that I should end my heartache. That affected me some much. It was like a much needed slap into reality. K was hurting us and with no thought to how it was affecting us and we were letting her. Again I cried, but this time it was my reaction to the dissolution of the fantasy that I had been holding on to. We decided that K could do as she liked, but that we would no longer be participants in her game. Our first move was not taking BabyZ that night. N texted me to let us know that K said she would be sending BabyZ down to us sometime that night. I was sick of being at K's beckon call. I was done letting K call all the shots. And I also had a horrible tension headache. I texted N back and asked her to tell K that she could keep BabyZ for the night. We had only spent two hours with her all day. It seemed to me that K just wanted a night time babysitter. I was preparing myself for letting go of BabyZ. I had carried that "not mine" feeling with me all along, but I had started to care for her very much. And we all know that I am in love with the idea of having a baby and being a mom. If K wasn't going to say what she really wanted to do, I was going to have to say it for her.

Monday Morning July 1

My alarm went off at 7:00, but we weren't in any hurry to get up. I crawled up into bed next hubby and we talked. We planned out how we were going to deal with the rest of the day. K was supposed to be facing discharge from the hospital, however I was betting she was figure out a way to remain again. Drag things out as long as possible. Our moves would be based on if she stayed or went. If K stayed we would go to a hotel. If she went home without baby we would stay. And of course if she decided to parent we would go home. As soon as N came in she told us that K had talked her O.B. into tying her tubes sometime that day. She had wanted him to do it right after the birth but her usual O.B. wasn't the doctor that did the delivery and the attending doctor wouldn't do the surgery. He told her that she would have to wait for a few weeks, but she some how got him to agree to do it Monday. She would have her surgery in the afternoon or evening. That's right, she was staying yet another day and night. We let N know that we would be going to a hotel for the night. It wasn't what we really wanted to do, but we felt like K was leaving us no choice. We had to do something. As long as K was in the building we would not be bonding with BabyZ. Confident in our plan we went downstairs to get some breakfast. We thought that we should wait to see if K went through with the tubal before we packed all our stuff and left. So, we napped for a while and watched t.v.

11:00 a.m.

N came in to talk to us. She said that K still wasn't committing to an answer. Then she reminded us of something that we had forgot to consider. The law says that K has to wait 72 hours to sign surrenders. But, she doesn't have to sign. She could have longer if she wanted. We didn't need any time to discuss what we would do in that situation. There was no way we could consider taking BabyZ home without surrenders. If K had been leaning more towards adoption, it may have been different. If she hadn't manipulated and lied it may have been different. But she had totally lost all our trust and respect. The thought of taking BabyZ home and K deciding to parent was more than we could bare. We didn't want to put anyone through that. Us, BabyZ, or N. We agreed that if K intended to drag this out beyond Tuesday morning, then she would have to take BabyZ home without signing or BabyZ would have to be placed in foster care until K made up her mind (that's the policy). We prayed for BabyZ's sake that she would just admit that she was parenting before that had to happen. I had to keep reminding myself that K was doing this to all of us. That we were simply trying to survive at this point. N also told us that K was now saying the birthdad was someone else. Someone other than the man she named before. That just sealed it for us. We know a family that had a placement. The birthmom lied about who the birthdad was and after bonding with the baby for a month our agency had to take him away from our friends. As my hubby would say, that would destroy me.

Goodbye

After N was finished talking to us we decided that we wanted to see BabyZ one last time. Luckily she was in the nursery and K was sleeping in her room. We scrubbed up and put on those gowns that look like toilet paper. BabyZ had her own little cubby with a rocking chair and a swivel chair. The rest of the small space was occupied by machinery used for preemie babies. Hubby held her first. I watched as he smiled and cooed over her. He has an amazing father instinct. I noticed on the feeding chart that there was erasing and pen scribbles all over the line where her name goes. We knew that K had been changing the name all over the place. K used our name when we were around. But, she had used her first name and our first name as BabyZ's middle name on the first draft of the birth certificate. Once we realized the truth, it made me really angry that she used our name. The first name that we chose was a version of my Grandmother's name. She was really special to me. I was sarcastically amused and also relieved when I saw on her feeding chart that K had finally written down the name that she intended to use all along. The first name started with a Z and the middle name with a G - but I can't feel confident in pronouncing either of them. Let me say, though, that they were two very large names for such a tiny baby. Well, anyway, when hubby was done holding her he asked me if I wanted a turn. I had previously told him that I didn't want to hold her. When he offered her to me, however, I had to take her one last time. She was so peaceful and content. Not at all like the crazy situation that surrounded her. I was sitting in the rocker, however I refused to let myself rock her. All weekend neither of us called her by the first name we had picked. We also didn't call each other mom or dad either. And I didn't sing to her. That's kind of my thing. I did, in that moment, hold her against my chest again just like I had that first night. For one more minute I could pretend that she was mine. That things were finally going to be right. For 8 years I have waited to prove that nurse wrong. The one that told me just after my surgery that I wouldn't be able to have children. For 8 years I have craved the very thing I couldn't have. All the struggling, tears, arguing, and money had come down to this one tiny little girl - and I had to place her back in that crib and let go. Again, I stood there with my hand on her blanket just like when I first saw her. I'm not sure when it started but before I knew it I was weeping into my hubby silly thin gown. I couldn't believe that I had to walk away from her. But, after some kind words from a nurse and one last look - we did. We removed our gowns and walked out. We went back to our room and packed our things. I texted N that we were going out to lunch and then to walk around at the mall. I let a nurse at the front desk know that we would be out for a while and we left.
5:00 p.m.
N had texted me that she was back at the hospital. She wanted to talk to us one more time before we all left for the day. We drove back to the hospital. N told us that K was in her surgery. She said that she told K about our plan to get a hotel and that she had seemed agitated about it but also she said she understood that this was difficult on us too. I seriously doubt she meant it. We talked with N in our room for a while. N was hoping to get to talk with K before she (N) went home. I really don't know if she ever did. We left for our hotel around 6:30. We stayed at a Comfort Inn and it was really very nice. We splurged and requested a jacuzzi room. We figured we deserved it. We had pizza delivered and we relaxed in the tub. We went to bed early. Being in that hospital had been exhausting.
Tuesday July 2 @ 7:00 a.m.

We woke up to nervous stomachs, although my hubby was still able to scarf down some cereal from the continental breakfast. We showered and dressed and I repacked our things for the final time. We spooned on the bed watching t.v. I'm not sure we said more than 10 words to each other all morning.
9:18 a.m.
My phone rings and it is N's ringtone. I answer and as soon as N spoke I knew. She sounded so mournful even though she was only asking me how we were doing. I wanted to hang up, but I listened to everything she had to say. It was a really short simple sentence. "K is going to parent". Finally, there it was. The truth that everyone has been avoiding but knew existed. All I could say was okay. Hubby wouldn't let me wait to tell him. I covered the hearing end and told him that she was parenting. He threw up his hands and went to vent on the other side of the room. N told me how sorry she was and mentioned that the agency offered counseling. I told her that we appreciated everything she had done for us. She said she would be checking on us later. I hung up.
Overwhelming sadness mixed with relief that it was over. I made my hubby remove the band from my arm. He flung it into the trash can. We hugged for a few minutes, then grabbed our bags and checked out.
The Drive Home
On the way home I texted our friends and family that had been following the saga. And all the way home my phone beeped with messages of sympathy and support. We were already healing on our drive. Hubby would say something like, "It's probably for the best" and I would realize something that had happened that assured me he was right. As we talked, all the pieces of the weekend seemed to come together. We could plainly see that K had never really wanted to place with us. Maybe even from the beginning. Still, we agreed that we were glad to have met BabyZ. We were glad that we got the privilege to care for her during her first days of life. Even though she will never know us, we will remember her and we will pray for her everyday.

Be Still

2011-08-03T13:10:00.002-05:00

Visit Sarah's Laughter for christian support for Infertility & Child Loss.

I receive their daily devotionals via email. Here's an excerpt from today's devotional:

"Be still and know that God is God. Be still and rest in the knowledge that He loves you and has a magnificent plan. Let your heart be still and know that God knows your desire for a baby. Be still and know that He can heal your body of the diseases that hinder reproduction. Be still and know that the God of the universe chooses to be involved in your life, even through the struggle with infertility. You don’t have to panic even when life doesn’t pan out the way you dreamed it would because God is still God and He is with us as our stronghold."

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Mis-Matched

2011-08-02T23:40:00.000-05:00

I've been putting off a post all weekend. And all afternoon. But, I feel like I need to get it typed up before memories start to fade. It's been a while since I blogged anything this difficult to talk about but I know I need to so that I can go back and read what happened later - and so that our friends and family that read my blog can have an account of the whole story to fill in the blanks left between texts and interrupted phone calls. So, here goes - starting from

Friday July 29; afternoon

I got a call from N saying that Kmom (who, from now on I will refer to as just K) had been to her doctor and that they were planning to induce her on Monday July 1. N had verified the information with the doctor. I was sort of excited, but a little cautious too. Things the past few weeks had been rocky at best. I had become very suspicious - and it turns out rightfully so.

Friday evening around 11 pm

I checked my email since K was known for late night communication and she had indeed sent me something. Her words were simply, "She's a lovely 8 lbs". My first reaction was shock, thinking that she had already given birth. However, keeping in mind her recent deceptions - my response was, "N told me that you had been to the doctor. Did you have another ultrasound today?". I waited for an hour for a reply and never got one. I went to bed @ 1:00.

Allow me to interject a little back story as to my whereabouts at this point.

A friend of mine had lady bits surgery last Wednesday. I volunteered to help her with her son on Friday, Saturday, & Sunday while her husband was working since I had also had a similar surgery 8 years ago. Because I would be there late and since my parent's house was closer to my friend's than my own home, I decided that I would spend nights at my parent's rather than going home. On Friday night I was sleeping in my Mom's guest room. My husband is at home.

Saturday July 30th around 3 a.m.

My phone goes off and it's my husband's tone. I scramble in the dark to answer it. I don't remember exactly all he said, but he told me that N had tried to call me and then called him. K was in active labor, however N hadn't been allowed to speak with K. N recommended that we did not come just yet, until she was able to talk with K and find out if everything was still a go. I hung up very confused. The plan that we had always talked about was that we would be there when El (from now on I will call her BabyZ) was born and that I would even be in the delivery room. I called N to hear everything directly from her. Poor N - working in her own home at 3 a.m. on a Saturday. Her daughter was crying in the background since she had been woke up by all the phone calls and her mother moving around. N repeats everything that my husband had told me and asks me if we could be in the area of the hospital at 8 a.m. She was planning on going up there around 6 to see if she could find out what was going on. I said we would. I called my husband back and told him that I was coming home. I gathered all my stuff and tip toed to the door. I didn't want to tell my parent's what was going on because I wasn't sure myself. Just as I opened the front door my mom stirred in her living room chair. She looked at me and asked if I was going home, I told her I was and she told me to be careful and went back to sleep. When I got home I checked my email again to see if K had ever replied back and she had not. It was a horrible feeling not knowing what was happening and feeling so in the dark about our own child's birth. I was pretty sure that we wouldn't even make it to the hospital before N called and told us that K had decided to parent (keep her). A part of me wishes that she had.

5 a.m.

My alarm goes off. All total I got 3 hours of sleep. I had dozed off in the chair laying long ways with legs dangling over one arm. When the alarm went off I reacted like it was a call and tried to stand up to answer it, but landed in the floor. Hubby laughed at me and it broke the tension a little that had been hanging in the room since I got home. I raced around the house to gather everything I thought we would need. I had previously made a short vague list, but it did little to help me pack.

6 a.m.

A tote bag with all of our electronics and our adoption folder, a car seat, a stuffed diaper bag, and an over-flowing rolling suitcase were waiting by our front door. We loaded everything up in our truck and started our 2 hour drive south. About 30 minutes into our journey, my husband realizes that he left his wallet behind. It was too late to turn around so he did without it for 3 days. It hadn't really mattered.

7:10 a.m.

N texts me to tell me that she is at the hospital and was finally able to talk with K. BabyZ had been born at 3:50 a.m. She says that K does want us to come to the hospital. So we abandon the plan to go to a restaurant near the hospital for breakfast (and anxious waiting), and I find the hospital on our gps.

8:00 a.m.

We pull up to the hospital and park. I text N to let her know that we are there and wait for further instruction. She texts me back to come to the 2nd floor and wait outside the elevator. She would meet us there. We stand around for several minutes in the hall way of the O.B. waiting for N to come walking around one of the corners. Finally she joins us and lets us know that K wants to see us, however she was not yet in her room. We wait longer, talking with N. N tells us that BabyZ has lots of hair and that she is healthy. She tells us that K is still planning on adoption. However, we also find out that K has seen and held BabyZ, which was the opposite of everything K had told us in our meetings before. Still we were optimistic. Finally, we get the go ahead to visit K's room.

Our Stay In K's Room

When we first walked in, I glance over at BabyZ but try to keep my focus on K. In all of my reading and in our training class, we were told to make sure the birthmom feels that we are sympathetic to her situation. Both of just having given birth and that she is going through a major struggle to decide what is best for her baby. But, a few seconds later she invites me to hold BabyZ. I move towards her rolling crib and lay my hands on top of her tiny blanket wrapped body. Smiling, I gently finger her little cap and the soft toffs of hair sticking out from under it. I sort of hovered there for several seconds. Again, K says that I should hold her. I had a terribly strong urge to snatch her up and run for the door. But, I gently moved to pick her up. That's when I notice the card on the side of her crib. I stood there, stopped in mid pick up. "How do you pronounce her name?" I ask cooly, but nearly dying inside. In our meetings she had told us that she would use the first and middle names we had picked out. Yet, right there written in pen, was another name. And yes, it was truly a name I couldn't pronounce just by looking at it. She assured me that it was the doings of some family that had been in to visit her. But, by the tone in her voice I knew different. It was the first of many times in the next 72 hours that I felt sick to my stomach. I completed my lifting of BabyZ, but I turned and placed her into my hubby's arms. I wish I could describe his reaction to her, but i really can't. He was..... totally instantly smitten. From somewhere inside him surfaced a daddy personality that I had never seen before. He was melted. He took her over to a visitor's seat and held her. I sat next to him and watched. In the corner of my eye I watched K too. She seemed to have no reaction to seeing him hold her baby. None. Not sadness, not annoyance, not happiness... nothing. After a few minutes he offered her to me. My intuition was screaming at me to refuse, but my arms went out and received her anyway. I can't say how many times I had dreamed of that moment. I would fantasize about how it would feel to hold my baby and how I would react. The truth of that particular moment was much different. One phrase ran through my heart over and over, "This is not my baby". I'm pretty sure I conveyed pleasure, but really I was scared of the disconnection I was feeling. I didn't take my eyes off her. I tried take in each and everyone of her features, but couldn't seem to distinguish her from any other "someone else's baby" that I had held before. Maybe it doesn't make since, but I was basically trying to recognize her as my baby. And I couldn't. Don't get me wrong, she is gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. Perfect. But, she wasn't mine. I don't believe that it was me trying to protect myself from bonding. I was fully prepared to bond. I know it was the Lord guarding my heart. Still, I wasn't ready to admit what I already knew. We held BabyZ for hours in K's room. We weren't allowed to take her to our room down the hall until I was "banded". K had to give the hospital permission to give me a plastic band that had a number on it that would connect me to K and BabyZ. We were only there for a few minutes before N brought up the band for the first time. K ignored her. She continued to do so until 3 p.m. Again, this was not what we all had planned on in our meetings. In fact, K had just said she wanted us to take BabyZ down to our room and care for her right before we got to the hospital. During our stay in K's room we began to see a different side of K. In our visits she was kind of shy and sweet. That first day we watched her be the worst patient I have ever seen. She was so rude to the hospital staff that were only trying to take care of her. Almost every time N spoke to her she acted as if she were about to hyperventilate. She was so hyper all the time. I guess maybe agitated would be the right word. I'm not sure. Towards us she was indifferent. She did continue to talk like she was going with adoption in front of us. She even used the name we chose for BabyZ when we were around. K was awake the whole time we were in her room, even though she hadn't slept all night and had just given birth. She was so groggy, but she would not leave us alone with her baby. We fed BabyZ every time she needed to be fed. We changed her every time she need to be changed. All under the watchful eye of K.

3:00 P.M.

Finally, she consented to the banding. When the nurse came in to start the process K had her eyes closed as if she was sleeping the whole time. However, she answered the nurse's questions so she obviously wasn't. After I got the band, she told us we could take BabyZ to our room. She said she needed to sleep. It was such a relief to be in our own space and on our own with her. Right away I got some pictures of her and took a short video of her (which I will post tomorrow). We fed her again. She didn't know how to suck at first. We had to move her chin up and down creating sucking motions for her. It was awkward at first, but we got the hang of it. She ate well for a very new newborn. I believe the first time we fed her she took 15 ml. She was easy to burp and didn't cry when she was hungry (or not for us anyway). She would just start to "root" as my hubby calls it, or open her mouth and search for the nipple. We fed her every 3 to 4 hours. In fact she never cried for us until the pictures, but I will get to that in a second. We held her constantly. She was rarely in her crib when she was in our room. Our room was two doors down from K's. It was pretty large for a hospital room. We had our own bathroom with a shower, a nice flat screen t.v., and a bed and couch that turned out into a bed. It really was nice considering the situation. The hospital staff were amazing with us. I never could have dreamed that they would be so nice. They treated us like we were patients, only VIP even. The nurse that was assigned to K was also assigned to us. Each shift change, that nurse would come in and introduce herself to us, ask us if there was anything she could get us or do for us, and offer her services for the remainder of her shift. We couldn't ask for a better staff. They made us feel at home (as much as one can in a hospital) and they each expressed to us their positive sentiments concerning our situation. They and N made the ordeal bearable.

7:00 P.M.

Our door opens and K walks in. A nurse was hurrying to keep up behind her. I was sitting on our couch holding BabyZ. With arms held out and a scowl on her face, she wordlessly motioned for me to hand BabyZ over. Now this is the same woman who was telling us how much she was hurting all day. She practically stomped into our room. No bending over or anything. I complied and K was off with nurse and baby in tow. My hubby shut the door behind them. His eyes were wide with confusion. There was no doubt in my mind though. As soon as I saw K's eyes when she demanded her baby from me - I knew two things. K would keep her all night and she would end up parenting. I think that is when I started to shut down emotionally. I cried and I don't think my hubby knew why. He knew that what had just happened was off, but he hadn't seen what I saw. It was a familiar look, only I had never seen it with such malice. The look of a momma wanting her child back. From one woman to another. "Alright you've held my baby long enough, hand her over". You wouldn't expect such things from a woman who planned to allow you to mother her child. That's because the woman who planned to do that wouldn't.

Well, I've been working on this post for hours now (in between eating and other distractions) and it's nearly midnight. I'm going to have to make this a two parter I guess.

To Be Continued....

This Is It

2011-07-27T13:52:00.000-05:00

I think this might be it. I emailed Kmom yesterday to ask how she was and she never responded. Up 'til now she has always replied back right away since she uses her cell phone.

At this point I'm just hoping that Kmom will go ahead and let me or N know if she has changed her mind so that I can start to really deal with everything and move on. I believe I've earned my right to closure.

Have You Heard Anything?

2011-07-26T17:04:00.000-05:00

NO!

Weeping Willow

2011-07-23T01:32:00.002-05:00

I've always like the weeping willow tree. For a short time we had a weeping willow at a place that I lived when I was a kid. We moved after only a few months, but I still remember playing under the tree. It was like I was deep in an enchanted forest or something. Tonight, I sort of feel like a weeping willow. The last few days I've been living somewhere between denial and anger. Tonight I've started the sad part of the process. The grieving. True, there is no confirmation that Kmom has changed her mind; but in my heart I know it is merely a matter of time. How odd to grieve someone I never had. A baby that I never held. A love that I have never expressed. But, I do. My heart hurts .... oh God it hurts!

A Luxury

2011-07-22T18:35:00.002-05:00

Mocha Rouge Miller Bag by Vera Bradley

On Monday, just a few hours before we got our unattractive news - I purchased this bag at our local Hallmark store. For years I've passed by the Vera Bradley collection and admired the beautiful bags. I would fantasize about carrying one to hold all of my baby stuff. I never thought I would be able to make that dream a reality. After we decided to adopt, I would smile when I would drive by and see them in the window. Oh, how nice it would be to have a pink or blue vera in my babyroom. The day after we were matched I went into the store and tried one on my shoulder. Once we knew that peanut was a girl, I started trying to save some money so that I could get one. But, on Sunday afternoon I went into my stash and only counted $23. Not even half the price. Our finances have been so crazy that I have been taking out more than putting in. On Monday morning I decided that I had waited long enough. I was going to go get my dream diaper bag. I would just have to figure something out in our account. So, I went in determined to keep my budget under $100 (and I did) and I wasn't leaving without one. I left with the one pictured above. It is lovely! I was still out running errands when I got the call from N. When I got home I placed the bag in our babyroom just as I had envisioned, and shut the door on the room. Now I'm wondering if I'm going to have to return it. No doubt we could use the money. I'm not ready to part with it yet though. I think that it is the hope that I'm holding onto.

On The Road Again

2011-07-21T22:32:00.002-05:00

Tuesday morning I decided to head out on the road with my hubby. It was literally a last minute descion on both our parts. When he first started his job, about two months ago, he was told that no one was allowed to even ride in his company truck much less go on the road with him. However, recently he was told that he actually was allowed to have "ride alongs" (as if he were a cope or something) occasionally. Well, I've been so preoccupied about the baby I felt that I couldn't possibly be so far away from the hospital that she is being delivered in. So, I hadn't gone with him at all. Well, with the news we got on Monday I really wanted to be near my hubby and I figured I could use the time away from everything. Maybe, if only for a day, I could relax and focus on something else. Like the open road. We started out early on Tuesday morning, but not as early as he would've liked. By the time we decided that I could and should indeed come with him he was all ready to go and I was still in my pjs. So, I made him a little late. But, it was still early for me. I am not a morning person. Which is why I slept part of the way to our first location. Basically what my husband does is this: He installs and repairs monitoring systems on farm chemical tanks. Some jobs take only a few minutes, other take hours. The sites tend to be very rural, not always but most of the time. It was a pleasant surprise when I could get a decent cell phone signal to text or web. So, I spent a lot of time sitting in his company truck watching him work. There was a few things I could help him out with. Mainly paperwork and working his gps. Thankfully, I had picked up a book and my mp3 before we left the house. I also did a lot of napping. Overall, I ended up staying out with him for three days. We just got home a few hours ago (It is now nearly 11:00 p.m.). I had a lot of time to myself in his truck to think and pray. I came to the conclusion that whatever God has in store for us concerning this baby, I can deal with it. If Kmom changes her mind, then it's ok. If she places with us, then great. If we have to go around and around, back and forth for the next 5 weeks - then so be it. I have had almost 8 years to become comfortable with having hope & faith in God where my motherhood is concerned, and I can do this. All of the struggling and heartache as brought me to this point. I am so close to being a mother, but If God has brought me here so that He can let it be taken from me.... then I will cry and be sad, but it's not the end of the world. I have so much in my life. A wonderful husband, an amazing family ( my parents, my brother & his family, grandparents), and I have a future. Baby or not. I'm going to be fine. It is going to be okay.

Update: Monday evening N called me and told me that Kmom's doctor had confirmed that there never was an inducement date. Furthermore, Kmom was only 35 weeks along. We will probably never know the reason for the confusion (or deception if that is the case). N still tells me that Kmom is committed to placing with us. However, we have our doubts (and rightly so). In any case, we are determined to see this through to whatever end. Please keep us in your prayers.

Houston We Have A Problem

2011-07-18T22:22:00.001-05:00

The inducement isn't happening. I really don't understand for sure what is going on, all I know is that it is not happening. I'm confused, frustrated, suspicious and tired. I need a vacation.

We Have Lift Off

2011-07-14T17:17:00.002-05:00

We finally have a date! Kmom is being induced next Friday (July 22nd) @ 10:00 a.m. I am so excited to have a certain date. All of this not knowing has been making me crazy. We are meeting N & Kmom at the hospital. The plan as of now is for me to be in the room for the delivery. Then after the nurses and doctors are done with her, El will be staying with us in our very own room at the hospital. There we will wait the three days until Kmom signs the surrenders. The state says she has to wait three days. If everything goes well, we may have a baby sometime on the 22nd and then bring her home on the 25th. She is fairly close to her due date, so I doubt that she will be low birth weight. But, if she is we may have to wait a few days/weeks to bring her home. That will be really difficult, but I'm trying not to get to ahead of myself. Yes, Kmom could change her mind. But, again, I will deal with that if and when it happens. Right now, I am focusing on wrapping up all my preparations and being totally positive.

Still more waiting

2011-07-13T11:57:00.002-05:00

I think I am now officially the queen of waiting. Is there anyone on the planet that waits more than me?! Ella is still not here. I guess she is in no hurry to leave her warm womb. I did find out that she has turned to the correct position. While she's wrapped up cozy, I'm waiting on pins and needles practically craving the moment I get to hold her. Come quickly baby girl.

Happy 4th!!

2011-07-04T15:52:00.001-05:00

Happy 4th of July!!!

Disappointment

2011-06-30T23:01:00.003-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I can deal with disappointment. It goes with the territory. But, it's never easy. Today N texted me and told me that Kmom had gone to the hospital again yesterday because she was having trouble. While she was there they gave her an ultrasound. So, she isn't having one tomorrow. I was so looking forward to seeing El in action. I've never looked at an ultrasound screen and seen a baby on there, only cysts or my weird uterus. It meant a lot to me. [sigh] Oh well. The rest of the news isn't real encouraging. The baby has turned from her breech position, but she is now sideways. Also, Kmom has made it definite that she is waiting for El to come on her own rather than provoking her arrival this weekend. Which brings me back to simply waiting and seeing. Seeing and waiting. It puts me in the mind of Eeyore - "Oh Bother!".

Ultrasound Appointment

2011-06-29T18:10:00.002-05:00

Isn't that an amazing picture of a baby in utero. I'm sure it is probably not actually in utero but it is really neat anyway.

Friday Kmom is having an ultrasound. She had an amnio last Saturday, although we haven't heard the results. If the doctor thinks the the baby is developed enough and that it would be best for Kmom to deliver, then we may have a baby on Friday. However, Kmom isn't too thrilled about the turning, inducement, or a c-section. Basically, she would be more comfortable with El just coming on her own time. I would be thrilled if El came this weekend, but I just want everyone to be happy and healthy. At the moment I'm trying to focus on just the ultrasound.

It's A Girl!

2011-06-27T20:41:00.005-05:00

You can't believe how hard it has been not to tell. The reason that I can tell now is that Kmom found out the sex, accidentally. She wasn't feeling well last week and went to the hospital and a nurse spilled the beans to her. Our visit went well. Kmom told us that the baby is breach. Because Kmom's health isn't good they are hoping to deliver baby on Friday. They are going to try to turn baby. But, if they can't then they will do a c-section. Kmom has said that she wants me in the room for a vaginal birth. She is allowing us to name the baby. We have chosen the name, but here I will be calling her "El". We will have our own room at the hospital for the 72 hour wait and El will room with us. I'm just more thrilled than I can stand.

Summer

2011-06-21T19:55:00.003-05:00

Today is the first day of summer and it is the first day that I can finally say that I am better. I would say that I am about 95% better. I still cough a little when I try to laugh and I still have a dull pain in my left side. Oh hey, did I ever talk about that pain. I don't think I did. One night around week 3 I was laying on the couch with my left arm above my head and I coughed. When I did I got this pain. It's sort of like under my left breast. Anyway, it is a pulled muscle from coughing. You know you're coughing hard when you pull a muscle. A few days after, it hurt so much that it was like being stabbed with a knife every time I coughed or even sniffed. It is much better now, but still hasn't completely gone away. I have my sense of taste back, but I still haven't fully regained my sense of smell.

I've been filling in at the daycare recently. Once last week and Monday & today. They also have me coming tomorrow. It is nice feeling needed, especially right now since my hubby is away from home frequently for work. However, it is exhausting. I'm talking 10 hour days with sometimes 30+ children, Ages 12 mos. to 11 years old. Believe me, they should be paying us more than they do. But, I love them anyway.

Adoption update: Kmom is having a lot of trouble with this pregnancy, but Peanut is doing good. We are visiting with Kmom again on Friday @ 1:00.

The Evolution of This Sick

2011-06-17T23:40:00.003-05:00

I decided to just put sick because I wasn't sure what else to call it. Yes, I'm still sick. I've been through a lot of misery with this bout of illness. It's been like an evolution of sickness. At first it was just a little scratchy throat and cough. Then the cough turned into a very congested hack. I carried on like that for some time. About two weeks into it, I started to get a stuffy nose. By the third week I had nasal congestion, chest congestion, and ear congestion. I began to have what appeared to be hot flashes every evening - no fever. It was between the second and third week I started coughing up mucus. By the time I ended up in the E.R. kicking off the fourth week, I was congested all over, wheezing, all of the above, and tooth pain. Last Monday is when the gagging started, due to drainage. I will cough and it will turn into a full on gag session which then causes me to break out in a cold sweat and stomach churn. Three nights ago I started loosing sleep due to the drainage. It feels like a foul ooze is constantly pouring down my throat. Yes, I taste it and smell it. Oh, that reminds me - I lost my ability to taste and smell anything else about week 3. I can now taste some things, smelling is still out. Hearing is muffled. Yesterday began the sinus pressure and pain. Also, the throbbing sound in my ears. Thankfully, that is only happening when I'm vertical. So, if I am sitting or laying I'm ok. Today the drainage issue got so bad that I threw up. I have a strong stomach and almost no gag reflex. So, it is really disgusting. On top of everything else I have become fairly depressed and lost some of my appetite. I'm almost constantly praying for strength and healing. The nose congestion has improved almost totally and the cough is more due to the drainage than the urge to do it. So, I suppose that there has been some improvement. However, I really need total relief soon. I have a new empathy for those people who deal with real chronic illness like m.s. or something. I don't know how they keep from going off the deep end. I will be finished with my second round of antibiotics on Monday. I'm not sure what I'm going to do if I'm still enduring all this.

Peanut Is Still In There

2011-06-12T23:57:00.003-05:00

We had some excitement on Friday. Our social worker "N" called and said that Kmom was having regular contractions. My first reaction was fear because Peanut was so early. However, our next news was that Kmom was further along than previously thought. Kmom is said to now be 32 weeks along and Peanut is weighing in at 5 lbs. I was told that they were going to probably try to stop labor. Since, we haven't heard anything else since Friday I'm guessing that they were successful. People seemed to be appalled at the fact that we aren't totally up to date on everything going on, but all I can do is wait to be informed. This baby is not mine yet. Kmom can tell me as much or as little as she wants. I am thrilled that Peanut is still baking!

Meanwhile, I am still sick. Yesterday I gave in and went to the E.R. I really had had enough. After waiting for 4 hours they told me that it was a sinus infection. Chest X-ray was clear. I'm guessing that I got the sinus infection on top of the bronchitis. Anyway, I'm taking a stronger antibiotic. I took my first pill today, so we shall see. You know, when you get sick and you are feeling really miserable there is always a little comfort in knowing that the symptoms will pass in a few hours or days. I've been sick for around 4 weeks now and I'm having a hard time seeing the end of this tunnel at this point. The mucus continues.

Cough.. Cough... Wheez... Wheez

2011-06-07T14:12:00.003-05:00

It started about three weeks ago. In fact I had the cough when I went to the doctor's appointment. I have really bad allergies so it is not uncommon for me to be sneezing and snotting most of the time. But, this cough showed up. Last week I started coughing stuff up. Sorry if that is gross, but like I said I'm used to mucus. I sound like a pack-a-day smoker (and I'm not - don't smoke at all). Sunday it really started to get me down. I slept most of the day. Well, slept when I wasn't coughing anyway. Also I came up with a congested nose and ears. I don't recall having all of these at once since I had the H1N1 in 2009, and then I also had a fever. I was really hoping that it would resolve on it's own because we don't have health insurance yet. I haven't had health insurance since last October and I survived daycare germs. But, this just wasn't going away. I finally broke down and called my doctor yesterday morning. By then I was thinking the worst. I figured that she would probably suspect pneumonia and want chest x-rays. I was adding up the dollar signs between the office visit, the hospital, and the radiologist. Not to mention the medication. If it was real bad already, and I could hear myself coughing clear from my toes, I might end up with a hospital stay. Thankfully she said she thought it was Bronchitis. I still had to shell out over $50 for antibiotics and steroids, but it was better than the thousands that I was preparing for. Here I sit now, popping pills and coughing, wheezing, and blowing my nose. I guess I needed a little down time. Thank goodness for Internet and the Food Network.

The doctor's appointment

2011-06-02T23:16:00.004-05:00

I don't know why I didn't write about the experience before. I guess I just like to soak in things before I share. I met my mother at her work place and she drove from there. I'm not a great driver and I've never driven on the interstate before. To get to our agency- it requires interstate travel. Plus, it was special to have my mother along - even if she couldn't go to the actual appointment with me. My mom dropped me off at the agency and I climbed into a car with our social worker, "N". We picked up Kmom and one of her children. When we pulled up to the doctor's office, "N" commented on her eye bothering her. I asked if I could see it, and sure enough it was super red. By the time we all sat down in the waiting room her eye was blood red and swelling. She managed to get some benadryl from a nurse. In the meantime, we were escorted into the exam room. A very small exam room. 3 women, a small child, and a nurse - it was a very, very small room. The nurse brought in a glass of orange stuff that Kmom had to drink for her diabetes test. Then she says, "We will test you in exactly one hour". I had no idea that the gestational diabetes test takes a whole hour. None of us did. We all sort of looked at each other like we weren't sure we had prepared to be together for an hour. In the small room. The doctor came in. He looked a little taken back by the crowd before him. Even though he knew about the adoption stuff, I don't think he was prepared for the situation. He acted like he wasn't sure who to address in the room. All I said to him was, "Hi". I didn't say much at all. I felt like I should only be a casual observer. He did a quick sonogram. I say quick because he just squirted a little of that clear jelly on her belly and literally swiped his wand over it once. But, it was enough for me. That little bleep... bleep was awesome. It was the first time that I felt like I really was going to be a mommy (hopefully). Then Kmom asked the doctor if the sex of the baby was in the file. The doctor seemed confused, he was like - didn't we tell you before? Kmom reminded him that she didn't want to know, but she told him that the adoptive parents should know. I was floored that she actually wanted us to know. Like, it was her idea. Her suggestion. The doctor looks over at me and smiles. He flips through his file folder and asks if it would be ok if he wrote it down and put it in an envelope. I greedily shook my head yes. The nurse comes back in and starts to pull out the stirrups and that was our cue to go. "N" and I parked ourselves out in the waiting room again. Her eye was already looking better. Kmom's child had fallen asleep and because "N" was on the phone I held the kid. It was very different to be sitting in an O.B. waiting room, surrounded by pregnant women and holding a kid myself. Not my kid, but you know it was...... very...... like I didn't belong there. Some of the people who were there when we came in were still sitting there and I wondered what they thought about our crew. What, did they think the situation was - because we did turn a few heads when we all came in together. There is a racial difference. An age difference. And how normal is it for three women to come together for an O.B. appointment. Despite all of that, the biggest thing on my mind was that seemed so natural. Like of course it should be this way. We had been sitting out there for a while and "N" stepped outside to talk privately on her phone. Kmom came back. I wondered what her reaction would be if she saw me sitting there holding her child alone. She actually didn't seem to have one. I handed her child back to her and we had pretty good friendly conversation. "N" came back in and took on some of the small talk. Then a receptionist came out carrying a long white envelope and handed it to me. I felt like she was giving me the most precious gift that I've ever received thus far in my life. But, I simply slid it into my purse and redirected my attention as if it were no big deal. As the nurse had promised, we waited an hour and they told Kmom that she had passed her test. I didn't open the envelope until I was back in my mother's car. I asked my mom, "Are you sure you want to know?". Her answer was yes of course. I ripped open the envelope and it was written on an index card. I'm not going to write the sex here because it's an open blog and Kmom or "N" could stumble onto it. So, until baby comes I'm still saying Peanut on my blogs. It was an amazing experience and I am loving this whole thing.

Me and an OB

2011-05-24T10:05:00.003-05:00

I've been to many a gyno's office in the past 7 years since infertility permeated my life. But, never for the purpose of using the doctor as an OB. Tomorrow I get to go with Kmom to a doctor's appointment and I have no idea what to expect. I'm so thankful that the social worker is going too. Kmom doesn't want to know the sex, but I'm hoping that I can find out for myself. It's so amazing that Kmom wants me to go. It was her suggestion that I should go with her. During our first meeting she even mentioned the possibility of me being in the delivery room. What an amazing experience that would be. Seriously, never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect such an awesome opportunity. She is the birthmom that I have been praying for all this time.

Peanut's First Picture [WARNING: Baby Pic]

2011-05-13T19:51:00.004-05:00

I wanted to start this post with a special note to any infertile readers that visit me. I know that ultrasound pictures are painful to look at when you wish so much that it was a picture of the inside of you. So, please, don't feel bad about clicking away now.

That being said, I had to do it. I'm hoping that it will give others a glimmer of hope that their adoption wait can come to this too. That's how I've felt when seeing other waiter's finally get their gift.

Isn't Peanut cute! This picture was taken on Monday. Kmom wanted us to have a copy of it. She is so awesome! You know, I have been excited and everything - but when I laid eyes on my Peanut, I was in love. It's all over folks. I'm officially hooked. Yeah, I have my hopes up!

Non-Stop Change

2011-05-10T14:10:00.004-05:00

The past 14 months has been one episode of change after another. Some good changes, some not so good - but they've come none-the-less. Last Spring we nearly lost our house. Our "fixed" mortgage went sky high due to a mistake in our agreement with our mortgage company. We got way behind. We tried everything to attempt to make it cheaper again, but in the end there was nothing we could do. We had to make the costly payments until December 2010. We depleted what little we had saved for future adoption fees, we gave up several conveniences, and sacrificed a lot to keep from being homeless. January's bill came and it was so sweet to see that lower payment again! I went through a lot of heartache considering the adoption. Waiting is torment. At times I felt like maybe we should stop the adoption or move onto to something else. I just wanted so badly to be doing something other than waiting. A scripture kept filtering through, "Be still and know that I AM God". I would hear it all the time. In church sermons, in songs, in my dreams. Over and over I didn't want to understand it. A few months ago we watched the new version of the Karate Kid and in one scene the couch tells the kid, "Being still and doing nothing are two different things". That struck me really big. God wasn't asking me to do nothing so I could sit around a be miserable. He wanted me to be still and believe that He would take care of everything. Just a few weeks ago we were matched with a bmom. She is everything that I had hoped our bmom would be. Come August, hopefully, we will be parents. Last October my husband was fired from the company that he devoted himself to for 12 and a half years. He was devastated. His pride took a big blow. Being the awesome man that he is he was only unemployed for three weeks, but taking such a cut in pay and respect was very difficult for him. He began working for a hog farm. I hadn't noticed how stressful his previous job had been on him. With this new job he seemed like a load had been lifted off him. Our already strained financial situation got worse, but he was free from the burdens of that previous job. What seemed like a horrible thing, I can now see that it was a huge blessing. I started working at a daycare in August 2010. Before he lost his job. Mostly just to help out with things. But I soon realized that it was a foreshadowing of what was to come. When he didn't have a job, I did. My pay checks paid whole bills. The two wonderful women that I work for were so supportive and understanding of my situation. A coworker even let me have her hours a few times so that I could make more money. I am so thankfully that the Lord gave me that job. A few weeks ago we heard about a job opportunity and I sent them his resume. Last Wednesday the hog farm let him go. The very next morning he was hired by the new company. He started Monday. He is making more money and better benefits than his old long-time job. It is difficult because he has to be away, but I am so, so proud of him! He is devoted to working hard to provide for his family (me). He is the most amazing man! I thank God every day for giving me to him. As I said, he has to be gone some, so I am learning to be strong in holding down our fort so-to-speak. He is texting and calling me often. It is going to be super sweet to have him all to myself this weekend. My hours are being cut at the daycare for the summer due to their college employees being available full time. So, I will have the time to take care of everything going on here at home and I can meet up with him when he has to be away. When peanut comes along he/she can go too. If I am a mommy come August, then I will not be returning to work.

We've had a lot of years of nothing new. Recently, nothing stays the same. I guess it's God's way of keeping us from getting bored or too comfortable.

The Day I Became Infertile

2011-05-09T21:38:00.004-05:00

Please visit Held for christian infertility support!
Today Julie Dunahue shared a post on the Held blog about the day she became infertile. You can read her post here. After reading it, I decided that I would write about the day that I became infertile. Julie states, "Infertility is a state of mind. Doctors define infertility as “unable to conceive after a year of unprotected sex”." I can definitely relate to that. I did not come by infertility according to a doctor's definition. Yes, we did unsuccessfully try to conceive for the better half of a year - but that was not what made me infertile. No, infertility came to me in one moment. One very hazy moment, but one moment non the less. It was November 13, 2003. I was 22 years old. Two days after our 3rd wedding anniversary. You can read about my whole infertility story by clicking on the "My Infertility Story" at the top. But, right now I'm going to write about that exact moment. I had just come out of surgery to remove ovarian cysts. I woke up in recovery still foggy from anesthesia and morphine. I could see my mother and husband standing around my bed. There was also a nurse checking my vitals. I must have asked if everything went okay or something along those lines. The nurse was quick to answer something like, "Everything went fine, but there is a problem". I was already becoming upset and insisted on knowing what that meant. I remember the exact words that the nurse said next, even though I was pretty drugged up. She said, "You might not be able to have a baby". You have no idea how many times I have replayed that moment in mind. How many times I have heard that horrible woman's words in my head. Horrible because you don't tell someone something like that when they are in such a vulnerable state. Rest assured my mother made her wish that she hadn't come to work that day. Anyway, that single moment changed everything for me for the rest of my life. That was the day, and even the second that I became infertile.

Forgiveness

2011-05-04T22:05:00.002-05:00

I mentioned before that I've been participating in a study of the book Bad Girl's of The Bible every Wednesday night. Tonight the topic of Forgiveness was mentioned and the gears in my head started turning. I wondered why it is so hard for people to forgive one another.
I confess that there are people in my past and present that I haven't forgiven yet. Without naming names I'll give some examples. When I was a kid and on into my teenage years and adulthood there was a man who did things that made me feel very uncomfortable. I'm not talking about actual abuse, but inappropriate gestures that molded the way I felt about my body and my awareness of how it might affect boys & men. I despised him. He is dead now, but I know I haven't forgiven him for the way he treated me. There is a woman in my life that tries to insert herself between my husband and I. There was a man who attacked me and said that if I ever became one, I would be a bad mom. I don't dwell on these things on a daily basis, but when they do come to mind - there is a darkness that shadows my heart. Unforgiveness.
The Bible says:
"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14
So, The Lord commands me to forgive others.
It's not exactly an easy thing to say your sorry, but it's even harder to ask for forgiveness. One is admitting that you are wrong and the other is giving someone else control over closure in the situation. I'm actually not bad at saying sorry, but I rarely ask for forgiveness because I'm a control freak.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
Confessing, or saying "I messed up" and then receiving God's forgiveness. Notice it doesn't say, "confess and then you have to request forgiveness". We should ask Him to forgive us each time we sin because (if you are a christian) we have a relationship with Him, but God readily forgives us. We should also be so eager to forgive others. And to receive forgiveness.

7th Mother's Day

2011-05-03T22:09:00.004-05:00

The picture is the front side of a card that DaySpring is selling among their Mother's Day cards. The card is for women who have a difficult time on the holiday. I think it is an awesome idea and a very nice thing for them to do. Click on the picture to have a closer look and order a box of 3 cards.

This year marks the 7th Mother's Day that I have endured since discovering my infertility. It never gets easier. I'm dreading it more than I can say. I wish it wasn't a negative day for me and so many others, but it is what it is. It's a day to celebrate women who are blessed enough to have children. We are women who can't have children. It's like a national holiday for people who can walk. People who can't - they would feel really bad. I'm not saying, "Let's do away with Mother's Day". I would not deny women who have been blessed with children their due recognition. All I'm saying is that it would be great if people would acknowledge that I (and others) have a fair and real reason to avoid the happy festivities of that day. As my Grandpa would say, "You can wish in one hand and spit in the other, see which one fills up first."
I am facing an opportunity to hopefully be a mother come August. However, I know that I will never be able to enjoy Mother's Day even if I do become a mother. I will never forget how it feels to be reminded of the sadness of infertility. For one thing I will never not be infertile. Infertility will be with me for the rest of my life. For another, I would never allow myself to forget the lessons I've learned from infertility. I've gained a great sense of empathy for others that are hurting. Not just from infertility, but from many other things as well. I'm amazed at the stories that others have shared when I mention that I can't have kids. People carry pain within them that they would never other wise speak of. They tell me in whispered voices and confidential emails. I could never betray that by pretending that I no longer have to worry about Mother's Day just because I became a mom.
Well, anyway.... If you know someone who might have a difficult time on Mother's Day due to infertility, infant/child loss, or loss of a mother or other female loved one - remember these things:

Don't put them through a guilt trip for not coming to the church service, family gathering, or social party. They avoided it because they didn't want to cry through it as if it were a funeral.

Don't give them a hard time about going into hiding on that day. They don't want to ruin it for everyone else by having a tantrum in the middle of the card isle at Walmart.

Don't use the day as an opportunity to tell them to get over their pain. You might not live to see Monday.

DO give them a break. DO pray for them. If you think you can do it tactfully, DO let them know that you are thinking about them. DO give them a shoulder to cry on if they burst into tears. DO support them if someone starts the DON'Ts in your presence.

Be aware of what other people are going through and put yourself in their shoes.

Surviving Infertility Give-Away

2011-05-01T15:28:00.002-05:00

Krissi over at the Stress Free Infertility Blog is honoring National Infertility Survival Day - today- by giving away this beautiful bracelet from Lia Sophia.

Visit her and enter!

The Rest of The Story

2011-04-30T22:55:00.001-05:00

My mom used to listen to Paul Harvey, ergo I listened to it too. I loved how he would say, "and know the rest of the story".
I left something out of my story yesterday. Well, a lot of somethings actually, but I'm not giving all of the details of our conversation. It's just not necessary. I mean something pretty important. However, we had decided to keep it to ourselves for awhile. Or at least I thought we did. My hubby went over to my parent's house today and I guess my mother sensed that we had left some things out. She questioned him and he found himself faced with telling my mom the truth or lying. So, some of our news got out. I was a little annoyed but I figured if we were coming out with it then we might as well go for it. So, I'll start where I left off.
After we left our agency we stopped at a Petco because that's what childless couple's do. I was checking out the dog clothes and my phone rang. It was "N"s ring tone. I couldn't imagine why she would be calling us so soon. When she started talking I felt like she was going to tell us that we had struck out. She was speaking very slow and I guess I was trying to prepare myself for bad news. Then she said, "Kmom loved you guys and she wants you". I was quiet. Trying to process what she was saying. She was like, "Are you excited!". I answered yes but I was so numb. I think I recovered pretty good by faking it. I made my voice get squeaky. Before she hung up I had finally begun to realize what was happening. My hubby was standing there going - What? I just laughed. REALLY loud. I laughed with gladness. I laughed with relief. I laughed with that "Oh My CRAP I'm going to be a mom!". 2 years and 8 mos worth of heartache just leaked out of me with that laugh. Sarah laughed, and so did I.
"And Sarah laughed within herself...." Genesis 18:12
I will share that Kmom is due in August. We've decide to call the baby "peanut". It's been a pet name with us for many years and we don't want to say "it" for the next 4 mos. The exact due date is unknown because she wasn't aware of the pregnancy for several months. Peanut is healthy and right on track with everything according to Kmom's doctor. She has chosen not to find out the sex. We are excited, but can't help but be reserved. While she seems very sure about her decision, I know that a baby changes everything. She can and may change her mind about us or adoption all together. I've seen it happen over and over. As I've said before, though, I have to hope. It's all I've got. I would rather hope than live in misery trying not to.

Sweet Serenity

2011-04-29T20:35:00.007-05:00

The picture pretty much describes how I am feeling right now. Very serene and calm. In fact I was calm all day. I slept peacefully last night. It was very unlike me considering the situation. I can only give God the credit. I knew that people were praying for us. I only shared our news with a few people. Of course the ladies at work new because that's where I was when I got the call. I was so excited. I also told three close friends, my sister-in-law, and my parents (oh, and anyone who reads my blog). I didn't want to tell everyone we knew because it's impossible to untell - like if she decided not to meet us after all. Anyway, I honestly only got a little nervous once. But, I'll get to that in a minute. First I just wanted to say that I'm not going to give every detail of our meeting. Some of it feels very raw and personal. But, I am excited to get some of it out. We both woke up about 8:00 a.m. this morning, even though we didn't really need to leave until 12:00. It takes about two hours to get to our agency. We snuggled in bed and talked about..... well, everything. We invited Mo into bed, which was a rare treat for him. About 9:30 I got up and gave myself a pedicure. Really, I did. I was planning to wear sandals and I knew it would make feel more confident. I picked, filed, exfoliated, buffed, and painted. I got showered and dressed (I ended up wearing jeans because it was a little chilly) around 11:00. My husband laid out some clothes, and I laid out some new ones. LOL Poor guy. I searched through my greeting card stash for the perfect thank you card. Our sw suggested that we bring a thank you card to give to Kmom. So, I found on that was homemade, like with all of that stampin stuff. Looked like I made it. I wrote something like, " thanks for meeting with us. we will be praying for you and your baby." and included a bible verse. At 12:00 we were off. We stopped half way at a Wendy's. By the way, there new sea salt fries are soggy. We arrived at the agency a few minutes before 2:00. The whole way there we just listened to the radio and chatted about our week. I was so surprised that neither of us was freaking out yet. We entered the building and checked in with the receptionist. "N" showed up after a couple minutes with our photo album. She said that we could show it to her to break the ice. So, with album in hand we followed her down the hall to a meeting room. As I sat down to begin talking all of my saliva was gone. But, I started in anyway and I was fine. We met for an hour. We asked a few questions, but the ball was mostly in Kmom's court. We really liked her. She is very friendly and funny. "N" walked us out and spoke to us briefly in the parking lot. She told us she would call us as soon as she knew what the verdict was.

At the moment that is all I'm willing to share. I had no idea that I would feel so reserved about it, but I do. It feels very precious.
"...and his mother kept and closely and persistently guarded all these things in her heart." Luke 2:51

THE Phone Call

2011-04-28T13:11:00.007-05:00

You know, that magical phone call that all waiting adoptive couple's are waiting for. The one that has your social worker on the other end and she is saying, "You've been chosen!". We finally got one. Finally! After two years and 8 months, we finally really have a birthmom interested in meeting us. It happened Tuesday while I was at work. I was having a difficult day. The daycare children seemed to be particularly rowdy and my patients were long gone. I was all ready to enter my happy place and walk the rest of the day in auto pilot when I feel a vibration in my pocket. I take my phone out just in time to see that I have a missed call. I non-chalontly flip my phone open and choose to view who it was and I am awe struck to see that it is our social worker "N". My breath is caught in my chest as I realize that she has called me in the middle of the day when she knows I would be at work. She could have waited until later. It's an emergency!!! I look up at my boss who is looking at me with annoyance because I have my phone out during circle time. "It's our social worker", I say with as much wonderment as you can imagine and more. Her reaction is one of confusion- "Our adoption worker", I remind her. "Can I call her back!" It was really more of a declaration that I was going to call rather than a request for permission. She nods her head in acknowledgement while singing the silly preschool song coming from the boom box. I practically run to the kitchen where I can have a little quiet and privacy. I fumble with my phone buttons, trying to call up my "missed calls" category. Then my phone tells me that I have a voice message. I listen to it and she is indeed telling me that I have to call her as soon as possible. Finally I manage to locate the right contact and call her work cell phone. And............. no one answers. I'm starting to sweat thinking that she may be contacting another couple on the list and giving our baby away. Seconds later, she calls me back again. She says, "I'm calling for two reasons", I'm thinking, "Oh boy, TWINS!". That makes me smile just typing it. "First reason is that we need to reschedule your home visit to another date." I'm like ok, and...... "And the second is that I've been working with a new birthmom and she wants to meet you guys". Now, there was a lot more stuff after that, but I wasn't really listening. My only responses were, "You're kidding me" & "Friday". So, tomorrow we go to have our first match meeting. The only details I have are that the baby is healthy, the birthmom's name (I will be calling her "Kmom" here), and that she hasn't found out the sex because she didn't want to know. I'm mostly still in shock I think. I emailed our sw with a bunch of questions today. I'm hoping that the weather is good tomorrow so that I can wear the outfit that I'm wanting to wear. Khaki capri's, feminine frilly tank top with peach flowers, and a new pair of sandal's that my dad picked out for me recently. I have clue what to do with my hair. I know these are silly things but it's all the deeper my brain is letting me get right now. Tonight, I probably won't be able to sleep and I will be working myself up into a bunch of anxiety. I will probably puke at least once. Maybe even hyperventilate. By 2 o'clock tomorrow though, I will be as cool as a cucumber and ready for whatever. Am I getting my hopes up? Absolutely! All I got is hope. All I've ever had is hope! But, yeah, I realize that she may not like us. Even if she does, she might change her mind. She might decide to parent, even after the baby is born. Illinois law says she has to wait three days before signing surrenders. But, I gotta hope! I'll post about the meeting when we get home Friday. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated!

The "What IF" video

2011-04-19T12:11:00.000-05:00

What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

NIAW

2011-04-10T17:43:00.002-05:00

click above to visit the official NIAW website.

all information below taken from Resolve.org

What is is?

National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW) is a movement that began in 1989. The goal of NIAW is to raise awareness about the disease of infertility and encourage the public to Take Charge of their reproductive health. RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association founded this movement and continues to work with the professional family building community, corporate partners, and the media to:

1.ensure that people trying to conceive know the guidelines for seeing a specialist when they are trying to conceive.

2.enhance public understanding that infertility is a disease that needs and deserves attention. 3.educate legislators about the disease of infertility and how it impacts people in their state. In 2010 National Infertility Awareness Week became a federally recognized health observance by the Department of Health and Human Services. RESOLVE’s goal is to increase the conversation about infertility and to inform the public that:

•Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age

•There are many ways to build a family

•Help reduce the stigma by bringing attention to the details/issues/costs surrounding all ways people diagnosed with infertility can build a family.

•Understand when to seek the help of a specialist

The Challenge:

RESOLVE understands that everyone’s comfort level is different when it comes to sharing your personal story, so we’ve created the challenge so you can determine how you want to participate. RESOLVE is asking you today to commit to the NIAW Challenge in one (or more of the following ways):

•Tell one person who you know will support you about National Infertility Awareness Week®. •Donate your Facebook status or Twitter updates by posting “April 24-30 is National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 couples are diagnosed with infertility. Find out how you can support them today. http://www.resolve.org

•Find the support you need.

•Create an infertility awareness event in your area.

•Volunteer for RESOLVE.

•Devote an entry on your blog the week of April 24-30 to bust a infertility myth.

•Register for RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day—travel to Washington on May 5th to educate YOUR legislators why people with infertility matter.

Or donate to RESOLVE

Ways to find out what is happening during National Infertility Awareness Week® is to: •Follow RESOLVE on Twitter •Become a Facebook Fan •Join the RESOLVE online support community

We Win!

2011-04-09T17:06:00.002-05:00

Because of the overwhelming response to PETA's insensitive pairing of a vasectomy giveaway and infertility - PETA removed all reference to infertility from their campaign. Yay us!!! An apology would be great, but this will do. It reminded me of a time, a few years back, when I believe that the action of infertile women got the medical drama "Inconceivable" canceled. I probably couldn't prove it, but I believe that it helped.

Are there infertile celebrities?

2011-04-08T16:07:00.003-05:00

According to Look To The Stars: PETA has received support from the following celebrities: Aishwarya Rai , Alec Baldwin, Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano, Anjelica Huston, Audrina Patridge, Ben Gibbard, Bryan Adams, Carrie Underwood, Casey Affleck, Charlize Theron Charlotte Ross, Charo, Chris Knights, Chrissie Hynde, Christy Turlington, Chris Walla, Cindy Crawford, Common, Corey Feldman, Dave Navarro, Death Cab for Cutie, Dennis Rodman, Dita Von Teese, Eddie Vedder, Elissa Sursara, Emily Deschanel, Emmylou Harris, Eva Mendes, Forest Whitaker, Gillian Anderson, Hannah Teter, Isabel Lucas, Jaimarie Bjorge, James Cromwell ,Jamie Bamber, Jane Lynch, Jason McGerr, Jessica Biel, Joan Jett, Joaquin Phoenix, John Abraham, John Salley, Jorja Fox, Keanu Reeves, Kellan Lutz, Khloe Kardashian, Kim Basinger, Kristen Bell, Kristen Johnston, Kristin Cavallari, Kristoff St. John, Lea Michele, Martina Navratilova, Michael Stipe, Mickey Rourke, Missy Higgins, Moby Morrissey, Natalie Portman, Nigel Barker, Olivia Munn, Pamela Anderson, Paul McCartney, Perez Hilton, Pink, Rahul Khanna, Ricky Gervais, Rise Against, Roger Daltrey, Roger Moore, Ron Artest, Rue McClanahan, Russell Simmons, Ryan Gosling, Sadie Frost, Sarah Connor, Sarah Gilbert, Sean Kingston, Shanna Moakler, Sophie Ellis-Bextor, Stella McCartney, Tommy Lee, Toni Collette ,Trent Reznor, Vivienne Westwood, Woody Harrelson, Yvonne Strahovski Wonder if any them are/have been infertile or care for someone that is/was infertile and what they would think about their beloved PETA's campaign?!

Petition Time

2011-04-08T15:47:00.004-05:00

Click on the pic. above to sign the petition "Tell PETA that Infertility Is Not A Joke".

Photo taken from Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed - the leading voice in the campaign against PETA.

She says it best!

2011-04-05T22:03:00.003-05:00

Just discovered a blogger who expresses her anger about the PETA thing way better than me. Visit her page (Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed) and not the PETA website - you can see a copy of the page that features their campaign. As she says, we do not want to give PETA any publicity by upping their pageviews.

Jerks for the sake of being jerks

2011-04-05T21:26:00.004-05:00

Ok, so we are a VERY animal friendly household as we have had a vast array of animals as pets. We donate to animal friendly causes. We even brake for turtles. However, I am officially boycotting PETA and all things associated with them until or unless they print an apology to this disgusting action. Apparently they think that it is cute to give away a vasectomy to "honor" National Infertility Awareness Week. They are sick jerks!

A post will follow listing other companies that are associated with them.

Sling Review

2011-04-04T21:30:00.002-05:00

I recieved my sling today. I just ordered it last week so I was pleasantly surprised that it came so quickly. It came in the color I ordered and the size. I really think it will work great! It seems to fit, of course I have to wait to see what it will wear like with a baby in it. It will be much easier for me to use than the moby wrap that I have, although I plan to use it also. When showing the sling to my husband he said, "Don't you already have something like that?". Yeah, I do. All I can say is I guess I've become a collector of baby things. Someone who collects things buys things simply because they like them and not because they need them for any useful purpose. I hope to one day be more than just a collector - but until then I don't know how else to get my "baby mamma" on.

Free Stuff For Mommies...

2011-03-30T17:05:00.003-05:00

(Click the pic to visit the site)

or mommies-to-be, like me! A company called Seven Everyday Slings is basically giving away slings. All you have to do is pick out the one you would like and enter the word "EASTER" in the promo code box. You just pay $12 shipping. Then you will receive another code for the site Udder Cover to get a nursing cover. The shipping is only $10 for those. Oh, the code word is "SEVEN" - in case you just want a cover and not a sling. I'm not crazy about the name "Udder Cover" - I mean women are not cows. But, they are really cute covers. My sister-in-law has used something like it before. I ordered a sling, the sling in the pic above actually, and I will blog about my opinion on it.

Bad Girls of the Bible

2011-03-25T22:34:00.003-05:00

click on the pic to order the book from amazon.com

Some ladies at my church started this study and I've been going. We are on chapter three.
So far, I'm really enjoying it. I think that God did include in the Bible people's mistakes so that we can learn from them. So that we can know what not to do. I also think that we (christian women) should share our mistakes so that others can learn from them and realize that everybody messes up. I scan a lot of blogs and sometimes it seems like everybody else has it all together perfectly. Well, never let it be said that I am one of those. I seriously mess up in being a christian woman and wife on a daily basis. For example, just tonight I told my husband to shut up and then I accidentally said a curse word later on. I am not blameless. But, I am forgiven. It is sometimes an hourly struggle to "be not conformed to the world"-Romans 12:2 but it helps to know that I am not alone.

A Couple of Inspirations

2011-03-07T20:42:00.003-06:00

I've come across a few things that have inspired me and given me hope. I thought maybe they could help someone else too.

A friend of mine gave me a subscription to a magazine about angels a few years back and I cut this poem out and kept it -

Broken Dreams

by Lauretta P. Burns

As children bring their broken toys

with tears for us to mend

I brought my broken dreams to God

because He is my friend.

But then, instead of leaving Him

in peace to work alone

I hung around and tried to help

with ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,

"How can you be so slow?"

"My child," He said, "What could I do.....

you never did let go."

And I found this online somewhere and printed it out:
"I longed to lift the burden of her sorrow and yet, I knew it was hers to carry. and so I walked next to her, side by side. I rested when she rested. Cried when she cried. And loved her more with each step of the road."

And this was in Our Daily Bread on January 17, 2011:

"I’ve always thought that I could get through just about anything if the Lord would tell me what the outcome would be. I believe that “all things work together for good” in the end (Rom. 8:28), but I’d do a lot better in dark times if I knew exactly what the “good” would look like.
But God usually doesn’t show us where He is taking us. He just asks us to trust Him. It’s like driving a car at night. Our headlights never shine all the way to our destination; they illuminate only about 160 feet ahead. But that doesn’t deter us from moving forward. We trust our headlights. All we really need is enough light to keep moving forward.
God’s Word is like headlights in dark times. It is full of promises we need to keep us from driving our lives into the ditch of bitterness and despair. His Word promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Heb. 13:5). His Word assures us that He knows the plans He has for us, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give us “a future and a hope” (Jer. 29:11). And He tells us that our trials are there to make us better, not bitter (James 1:2-4).
So the next time you feel as if you’re driving in the dark, remember to trust your headlights—God’s Word will light your way." — Joe Stowell

10 Signs of a childless couple

2011-03-05T20:29:00.003-06:00

1o ways to know you're encountering a childless couple:

They buy a happy meal for their dog.
They walk along way out of the way to avoid the baby isle in Wal-mart.
They stop to play with all of the toys as if they are marketed towards them.
They go on tropical vacations on Christmas day.
They force their dog to go down the slide and ride the merry-go-round at the park.
The dog has more toys & clothes than their nieces & nephews.
The dog has his/her own chair in the livingroom.
They eat ice cream for dinner.
They've never watched the wiggles, dora, or barney.
They use these terms on a daily basis: R.E., IVF, DNC, & ICPC and know exactly what they mean.

Howdey

2011-02-20T15:11:00.003-06:00

Hi there! Oh, have I missed blogging! Hopefully we will soon have internet at home again. We are waiting for our cell phone contract to run out so we can switch companies. We've been doing ok I suppose. His new job has been an adjustment. Well, mostly the smaller paycheck has been an adjustment. But, because I'm working too we are pretty much staying afloat. My job is going fine. I probably fall in love with the kids a little more each day. Not what I wanted to do, but it's happening anyway. That's just how I roll. I really enjoyed Valentine's Day. My hubby got me a beautiful bouquet of white rose and a really sweet card. I got him a wii game and a card. My mom got him a wii for Christmas. I admit it can be fun, but I lose interest fairly quickly. Nothing new to report about the adoption, except that we've been waiting for 2 & 1/2 years. Sometimes I go into our baby room and sit and look and wonder if it will ever be. We've been having some unseasonably warm weather. That's what inspired me to change the background to something more springy. Spring brings Hope!

A New Year

2011-01-02T13:55:00.003-06:00

I've been doing pretty good this holiday. We celebrated Christmas just the two of us. We had a lazy, pajama wearing, movie watching, junk food eating day on Christmas day. I worked on and off through out the preparation time and we spent New Years Eve as we usually do - sleeping- since he had to work the next day. Those pigs don't much care what day it is. So, this year I thought that I had avoided the holiday blues - until today. I'm not sure if it is a delayed reaction, a result of a change in medication (we no longer have pharmacy coverage), or due to today's sermon on faith; but I'm feeling pretty yucky about life. Maybe it is from holding my friend's two day old baby last night. It's the same old thing: wondering if we will ever be parents, wondering if God even wants us to have children.... so on and so forth. I'm so tired of this game. I can't believe that we have been at this for 28 months. Been wanting what we can't have for 7 years. Been desiring children with my husband for 10+ years. I'm just so tired. I don't want to want it anymore. The harder I pray, the more I desire, the better I get at pretending..... None of it gets me anywhere. True, I'll probably feel better in a few days. I'll have some kind of renewed hope and faith and I'll feel regret for these thoughts of pity that I'm having, but I can't help having them. I wish I didn't need to have them, but I guess I do.

Trip to Chicago

2010-12-04T18:22:00.002-06:00

My Mom and I took a trip to Chicago for Christmas. I was so excited about going to Bloomingdale's and this is their Christmas tree. It was even bigger than it looks. We had a great time! We shopped, took taxis, stayed in a fancy hotel, ate fancy food, and road a train there and back. We saw a rock opra called Handel's Messiah Rocks. It was really good. We got all dressed up and drank wine & champagne. We lived it up for just over 24 hours.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T14:12:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello There

2010-11-19T16:02:00.003-06:00

Man, it's been way too long since I blogged anything substantial. I've missed it. We are still without Internet at home, and it turns out that having it turned off was a very good move for us. Well.... first let me address my last post. We had the opportunity to adopt a seven year old boy. But, he went to live with another wonderful family instead. Two days later my hubby lost his job. So, of course - God knows exactly what He is doing. My husband had worked for the same corporation for almost 13 years. To put it simply, he was making too much money. They fired him, and hired someone else to do his job for half the money. No doubt half the skill too, but it's the bottom line you know. He was devastated and I was beyond afraid. But, we have been making do. He went on unemployment, but we have yet to see any of that money. He was given a severance and we've been living off of that and my check. I've been working as much as I can. My co-workers have even given me some of their hours. Actually, it has been a fairly positive experience. We've enjoyed having more time together and he seems to have had a load lifted from him. I didn't realize how unhappy he was at his previous job until it was gone. He is so much lighter. He is free. He has been hard at work trying to find another job. He found one through a temp agency at a factory. But then a hog farm he had applied at called him Monday. He is really enjoying it. He loves animals and being outside. It's amazing to see him satisfied with his work. No, he isn't making nearly as much as he was but I know that everything will fine. We celebrated our 1oth anniversary last week. Well, we didn't really do anything to celebrate, but you know what I mean. Things are not what I imagined they would be 10 years ago. I thought we would have children. I thought we would be financially stable and beyond that, very comfortable. I thought I would be a stay-at-home mother. God says, "My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways." (Isaiah 55:8) and He has been reminding me of that often. He follows that up with, "I have awesome plans for your future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Pray for us!

2010-10-24T14:10:00.002-05:00

Please pray for us right now. We have a very unprecedented situation before us right now and have a big choice to make. Yes, it is adoption related.

Our online profile

2010-10-17T15:32:00.001-05:00

We have an official online adoption profile courtesy of our agency. Check it out here. [Ricky&Bethanie]

Weigh me if you dare

2010-10-03T14:49:00.003-05:00

I've never exactly struggled with my weight - because I've never really accepted that I am in fact overweight. I mean, every now and then I decide that maybe I need to do something, but I never get serious about it or I give up real quick. I'm trying to be really committed now. It's going to be a big change - 180 lbs to 140 but I believe I can do it.

Autumn

2010-09-19T13:37:00.002-05:00

I love autumn. I love the colors, the decorations, and the change in weather.

Some updates on my life:

I'm really enjoying my daycare job. I've never fully enjoyed a job before - so it's nice. I'm usually getting two days a week. I'm scheduled for Mondays and I've been filling in for the other ladies.
I had a car accident. Basically I hit an illegally parked car. Yes, it was mostly my fault but I have never seen a car parked there before. Everybody in town knows you don't park there. We both got fined - which is where most of my second check went to. Praise the Lord that I had that extra income to pay it. Oh, and no one was hurt.
I've been missing my Internet a little, but not as much as I thought I would. I've been busy with work and my house. My husband's half sister visited us for a few days. She lives in Arizona.

Well, I guess that's all that has been going on with me. Of course I'm still hoping and praying that our baby is home with us soon. [sigh] Sometimes I wonder how I can miss someone that I've never even met yet, but I do. Hey - that's like a movie quote isn't it?

Free 2011 Calendar

2010-09-04T16:55:00.003-05:00

Click on the pic to sign up for a free 2011 Calendar! Really, it's nothing tricky!

For now

2010-08-30T21:42:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow will be our last day for home Internet for a while. I'm hoping to be online again after the new year. I'm going to continue to blog some from my mother's computer, but it will not be as often as I would like. One good thing - I'm going to have so much more time to do other things. Things that I really should be doing instead of being on the Internet.

10 Year Class Reunion

2010-08-28T13:34:00.003-05:00

Tonight is my 10 year high school class reunion. I didn't go to the 5th reunion because I didn't receive the invitation in time to rsvp. My parent's moved so I'm guessing it got passed around a few times within the postal service before it was forwarded to their new address. This time around there were no snail mail invites sent out, but einvites.

I am going. I'm a little nervous I guess. I wasn't exactly comfortable in high school. I had really only one friend that was in my class - she was my best friend(my other friends were older or younger). We had a falling out - or rather I wisened up. The last few times I've seen her we are polite toward each other. But, I have a feeling she won't be there anyway. She was never one to participate. Neither was I. However, as I get older I can appreciate the experiences I had during those years. Especially the time that my husband and I dated. Our dating years were some of the best times of my life.

I would be most satisfied if I could some how lose 40 lbs, have a child/children, and an amazing outfit - all before 7:00 tonight. But, I'm going to have settle with my fat suit that now drapes over me each day, childlessness, and whatever is in my closet that doesn't include pit stains.

White Buttercream Cupcakes

2010-08-27T19:48:00.005-05:00

A few weeks ago I made these cupcakes for a friend's baby shower. She had a healthy baby boy. They turned out really well! Very moist!

White Cupcakes
•3 cups cake flour, sifted
•2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
•1/2 teaspoon salt
•2/3 cup butter or margarine, softened
•1 3/4 cups granulated sugar
•2 eggs
•1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
•1 1/4 cups milk
1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
2. Line pan with baking cups.
3. Sift together flour, baking powder and salt; set aside.
4. In large bowl, cream butter and sugar with electric mixer until light and fluffy.
5. Add eggs and vanilla; mix well.
6. Add flour mixture alternately with milk, beating well after each addition.
7. Continue beating one minute.
8. Pour into prepared cups.
9. Bake 18-20 minutes or until toothpick inserted into center of cupcake comes out clean.
10. Cool in pan 10 minutes.
11. Turn out onto cooling rack; cool completely.

Usually I make icing with shortening, but that day I was all out. So, I decided to give real buttercream a try. I looked and looked for a recipe that included things that I had in the house and couldn't find one. I came up with one of my own. The measurements here are "best estimates" because I never measure icing ingredients.

Beth's Buttercream Icing

4 C soft butter (I used the kind that comes in the tub)
1 lb powdered sugar (the whole bag)
3 Tbsp vanilla
1/2 C milk
coloring of your choice

Mix (with a mixer) butter, several cups of sugar, vanilla, and a few splashes of milk. Alternate remaining sugar and milk until they are gone. Just keep combining those ingredients until you have the desired consistency. If it's too runny you add more sugar, if it's too stiff add more milk. If it tastes too powdery, add more vanilla. Don't be afraid of icing- it's pretty easy once you start trying. This makes A LOT of icing. You can refrigerate leftover.

Enjoy!

No More Internet

2010-08-25T20:05:00.003-05:00

for a while.....

At the end of the month our internet service is going to be frozen. We need to get some bills paid off so we are putting aside some unnessary spending. Believe it or not, internet is unnessary. Really, it is. I will be getting online at my mother's house when I can.

Discontentment

2010-08-21T13:41:00.004-05:00

I think it is no secret that I've been suffering from discontentment for a pretty long time. This last week I've been reading up on all sorts of "family building" options. "Family building" - that's what they call it when people with broken reproducers try to find a way to have kids. I guess I decided that I was sick of waiting on domestic infant adoption and I was going to move on to something else. I researched international adoption, 3rd party gestation, and frozen embryo adoption. Each night I was up late reading the computer screen until my eyes were blurry and my mouse hand hurt. I discussed FEA with my husband and being the wonderful guy he is he said, "Lets go see a doctor I guess". But, I had been waiting from some word from the Lord letting me know what He thought we should do. I knew deep down that I hadn't gotten his permission yet to deviate from DIA. My own restlessness doesn't mean that He wants us to move on. It just means I'm impatient and controlling. Last night I decided that it was time to shut the computer down and do some reading before my brain completely roted away. While I was reading the latest Christian Amish book, some words from my husband came into mind. A few days ago he was talking about a coworker and he mentioned that he and his wife had never had any children. I asked him why they hadn't tried anything and his answer was, "I guess they are happy with their life just the two of them.". At the time I didn't give his statement much thought, but as it entered my memory out of nowhere last night I realized that God was speaking. Three years ago I was perfectly happy being a "family of two". I could see our life as being full of exciting adventures between my husband and I. I was so thankful for my marriage and the man God had put me with. I was content. I went into adoption with the attitude that if God gave us a baby that I would be so blessed but if He didn't then I could continue my happiness in our partnership. Unfortunately, something changed along the way. I became obsessed with being impatient. I wouldn't even say I was obsessed with the adoption itself or with hoping for a baby. I have been insanely impatient for the sake of being unhappy. I have been bathing in self pity. In conclusion, God said, "You better cut it out and be happy with the opportunity that I have given you!" (exact words mine of course). In other words, I have to be content with the place that God has brought me to (waiting) and live for the love story that He is writing within my life. So, there will be no changing strategies for me. I am glad to have more knowledge about international adoption and embryo adoption (they are both wonderful things), but we won't be doing them this time around, if ever. I have more faith now than I ever have that God will make us parents via domestic adoption. But, if we remain childless into old age then that has to be ok too. God has given me such an awesome thing that I don't deserve - my marriage. I've been going on and on about wishing that I could know what God has in store for my future. But, he probably isn't going to tell me and I have to accept that it doesn't matter because He has all of the control.

Embryo Adoption

2010-08-18T22:25:00.003-05:00

I've been reading a lot about Embryo Adoption in the last couple of days and it is all very interesting. Compared to Domestic & International Adoption there isn't a lot of information about the subject. It is still a fairly new concept. I remember the first time I learned about it. I thought snowflake babies sounded really special. I've always known though that I would not be a good candidate for it. It's more for couples who just have problems getting pregnant, not really for a woman who can't stay pregnant. But, I've read in a few places that Seragent Embryo Adoption has been done. It seems to be extremely uncommon - but still it has me wondering. Why couldn't I adopt some snowflakes and have them melt into babies inside someone else?
You may be asking, "Are you switching directions mid-stream here?!" Not exactly. But, I am sort of looking at the other possible options. I so want to be a mommy, and make my hubby a daddy. After two years of waiting on DIA - it seems that maybe we should at least look.

Mullerian Anomalie Awareness

2010-08-17T15:29:00.004-05:00

The picture above represents what a unicornuate uterus looks like. Although, I am said to have two ovaries.

A website dedicated to raising awareness about Mullerian Anomalies
"A blog dedicated to sharing information about Mullerian Anomalies and the stories of women who have them. "

Infertility- Working It Out

2010-08-15T22:33:00.005-05:00

I'm going to be working somethings out. Sorting through some thoughts. So, just bare with me.

Seven years ago we found out about my fertility issues. In the beginning all I could think to do is be angry. Then I slowly started trying to understand what to do with my new reality. I needed to know what my options were. I quickly learned that really none of them appealed to me. I could pursue fertility treatments. I was already seeing a RE. We could adopt. There are billions of children in this world who need a home. We could do a seregant. Why have babies when you can get someone else to do it? Or we could continue to ttc on our own naturally. Nothing expensive about that. What did we do? None of the above. I went back on the pill to get AF under control and we basically did nothing until our move towards adoption in 2008. I know many people wonder how we could have not tried treatments. They wonder if I can even be considered infertile since we seemingly didn't even try that hard or long. I know that some even view our situation as being our choice. That we don't already have a child because we don't really want one bad enough. Knowing my own feelings about how I see things - that last one hurts a little. We have definitely talked about all our options many.... many times. Over and Over we have the same discussion. Probably about ever 4 months or so I begin to think about fertility treatments. I come across some story of a woman who defied the odds and carried a baby despite her uni. uterus and begin to wonder. As I always do, I go to my trusty Internet for some information and I read what I wish I didn't already know. That's when I remember that not only am I working with defective parts but they are parts that could kill a baby. The odds of a UU carrying to term and delivering a live baby are something like 4o % (more or less depending on the source). Some would say that ain't bad odds. But, when I look at that figure all I can see is the other side of it. 60% chance of spontaneous abortion - and that means at any point in the pregnancy not just within the first weeks or months. My uterus is so much smaller than a normal one that the baby would simply run out of room. My husband is always eager to add that pregnancy could also kill me. There is a chance of uterine rupture which is fatal. I know of plenty of people who have suffered losses and every time I read of one I am always so thankful that I have not. Really, that is the sole reason that I continue to deny treatments. It doesn't hurt that my husband doesn't want to do them either. But, to me it is the difference between knowing the feeling of having a baby die within me and not. My desire to be a mother isn't worth that to me. I would never say that I don't think others should pursue treatments. That is up to them. If God does want me to be a mother, I am totally sure that it is not via my own womb because of some expensive procedure. And I am at peace with that. Actually, I think I have been for a while now. I guess it is more the way others make me feel about it that gets me restless. I just don't know how to explain to them why. I think most people are so eager to pass judgement on me for how I have handled this that they really wouldn't care what I said. It makes sense that I wouldn't try to explain. Most likely it is those who give birth to their children at random and at will. It is impossible to understand how I feel if you don't know my life. If you can't experience what I have been through. I can live with my infertility. Can you?
NOTE: The "you's" and such aren't directed at anyone in particular. I promise.

Daycare Job

2010-08-13T22:03:00.003-05:00

Yesterday a friend of mine called and I missed her call. Later on I called her back and she said that there had been a job opening in the daycare she works at, but that it had already been filled (man, they work fast). I told her that if something part-time opened up that I would be interested. A few minutes after I hung up she called me back and said that they did have something part-time. They needed someone to work 4 hours on Mondays and they needed a fill-in for when someone had to take off or was sick. Today I went to the daycare for what I thought would be an interview and instead all I really had to do was introduce myself to the boss lady and take a bunch of paperwork home to fill out. Simply because she trusted my friends judgement I was basically already hired. I'm about 99% sure that this will be perfect for me right now. All I have to do is play with the kids. On Mondays my first two hours consist of reading a book from home while the children nap. That is my kind of job! Another cool thing is that I've already done all of the state requirements. To get our foster license we had to get an FBI background check & get fingerprinted, and TB tests. I have to have all of that stuff for the daycare so all she has to do is get copies of everything. I start Monday.
I should make it clear that I have no intention of working after our baby comes and I will not be putting our child in a daycare at any point either. I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. I told the boss lady about our adoption, that things could change for us at a moments notice, and that I would not be working once I was a mother. She said she understood and that it wouldn't be a problem. As I said before, they have no trouble finding new employees when they need them.
So, hopefully this is it for me. I can finally contribute financially to our situation like my husband wants, I can do it only part-time, and I will probably enjoy it very much.

New adoption blog post

2010-08-11T21:18:00.002-05:00

I have a new series of posts started on my adoption blog.

2 Years

2010-08-08T22:29:00.003-05:00

We've been waiting for our baby for two years today. Alot can change in two years. The biggest thing that has changed for me is the belief that the Lord has adoption in our future. I just don't know anymore. Many times lately I've wondered, "but what if God never meant for us to adopt to begin with?". If adoption is not in God's plan for our future, then we've wasted so much effort and money. "How long do we wait until we give up?" How does one give up on something like this? I mean, that's a lot of money. Then there is the question of how to tell people that we gave up. People are always asking us if there is anything new or if we've "heard" anything. What is going to be the reaction when we suddenly say, "Actually, we aren't doing that anymore."? I mean, is quiting even an option here? Do we just wait indefinitely? Three years, six years, ten years from now can we still really say, "We're adopting"? I don't know what God wants for us.

Drip...Drip...Drip

2010-08-02T21:53:00.002-05:00

"A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike."

Proverbs 27:15 NASB

Contentious- exhibiting an often perverse and wearisome tendency to quarrels and disputes.

First things first: I have to make a public apology to my Husband for being this woman. I have been the major contributor of the heartache in our relationship for some time now. Honey, I am so sorry.

You wouldn't believe how discontent I have been lately. Or, maybe you would. I have been so full of myself. The anger raging inside of me over how unfair my life is has been killing my marriage.

I've read Proverbs 27:15 before and I always thought it just meant that a nagging woman was annoying (which is true). Today I read it again and wondered why God was "highlighting" it for me. The last couple of days I have realized that God wants me to do something. Something really hard. He wants me to move on. I so don't want life to go on until I'm a mother. But, God wants me to get on with life. He isn't going to leave me alone until I do, and it has been making me act like a child. A brat really. As we often do now-a-days, my husband and I got into a fight tonight. When it was over, I was wondering how we had come to this place. A place of such ugliness. I finally decided to be still and listen to what God had to say to me. And I realized what that verse really means.

A few weeks ago we started to notice leaking stains on our bathroom ceiling. While they were waiting for my husband to get some time to fix the problem, they got bigger and darker. He did eventually fix it. But, if he hadn't I know that several other bad things would have resulted. The dripping would have begun in the house. Causing the floor to become warped. Causing the wood to wrought. Which would eventually cause mold. Then one day the ceiling and the floor would give way. There would be huge holes.

This was what I was causing in our marriage. I was causing structural problems in the foundation of our relationship. I wish that I could take it all back. But, all I could do was say I was sorry and commit to God and my husband that I will seek Jesus every day. Every second if necessary. I don't know how to be a good wife, or even a good person. But, He can help me to be someone that I'm not. Please pray for me as I strive to be worth more than jewels (Proverbs 31:19).

Frugal Blogger

2010-08-02T14:22:00.002-05:00

Check out Andrea's blog! She talks about being a frugal Army wife & mother. She has some great tips on saving money and some awesome recipes!

Vacation Bible School

2010-07-26T18:59:00.002-05:00

I'm teaching Vacation Bible School this week so I am totally focused on that. I'm very grateful that I was available to teach.

Time Ran Out

2010-07-23T23:48:00.002-05:00

I planned to write an actual blog post but my hubby distracted me for a while to play with our dogs and then I got to reading other people's blogs as apart of my ICLW commitment. Now it is almost midnight again and I really should be in bed. Its been a long day of baking and crafting, which is was going to talk about. Things better left for another time I guess. I do want to give "Sarah's Laughter" a quick plug though. I have before, but I so enjoy the daily email devotions.

Here's a short excerpt from today's devotion:
"Tears are frequent companions along the road you travel. They appear at the most inconvenient times and refuse to be silenced. Your heart is heavy from the burden you bear, and life insults you by continuing on. You have an appointment, and it is one your heart will want to keep. Facing the loss of precious babies, appointments with doctors become something that we tend to fear or dread. We grow weary of bad reports and worse realities. Many times the appointments raise more questions than ever, and they all remain unanswered. But there is an appointment set for you with the One who holds every answer to every question your heart has ever asked. You have an appointment with God. "

My first ICLW

2010-07-21T21:07:00.004-05:00

Those of you who read my blog and don't know what ICLW is, you can find out more about it by using the dark blue link at the top under my ticker.

This is my first ICLW. I've wanted to do it several times before, but I always seemed to miss the sign up date. I'm pretty excited to see so many people visiting my blog and to read the blogs of others who are going through some of the same kinds of things that I am. So, I'm going to get to the run down.

Begin TTC Summer 2003.
Surgery to remove ovarian cysts November 2003. Dr. discovers unicornuate uterus.
Shortly after surgery I am officially dx with UU, PCOS, & incompetent cervix by a RE.
We discuss our options and decide not to have treatments & hubby isn't ready for adoption. After a year of TTC I am already done. Begin to come to terms with being a family of two. 2004
Feb. 2006 private adoption attempt. I wasn't ready.
Oct. 2007 private adoption attempt - failed. It was a girl, but finally we were both ready.
Jan. 2008 begin looking into agencies.
Feb. 2008 we met with our chosen agency.
Aug. 2008 we are homestudy approved & waiting!
We have several possible situations. We decide to be open to all races.
Aug. 2009 One year waiting and I have a small breakdown. Really couldn't believe that it was taking so long.
March 2010 A birthmom picks our profile, but chooses another couple. In the end she decided to parent anyway.
July 2010 We are #4 on the list. We've been waiting 23 months. I'm dreading our 2 year anniversary next month.

If you want to read more about my journey you can visit my old blog and my adoption blog (only about adoption) .

A few things about me:

I'll soon be 29.
Be married for 10 years in November.
I like to read, bake, clean, and blog.
My favorite color is orange.
I'm a born again christian, stay at home wife, and a maker of lists.

Please, Come visit me again or "Follow" me!

A Series

2010-07-17T14:56:00.002-05:00

I've been reading through this series of posts. Here's a small quote from Part 11.

"Home should be the hub of excitement--where great plans and great lives are molded, where hospitality and ministry takes place. We do not need a church program to do ministry--instead we need to view our homes as a focal point for ministry to begin at. Are our homes perfect? Certainly not--a home filled with sinners will contain sin! Mercy, grace and forgiveness are common visitors at our home. A home of imperfect sinners will learn to rely heavily, humbly and wholeheartedly on it's Savior. "

Butter Y'all

2010-07-16T22:15:00.006-05:00

I love Paula Deen! She is so awesome! Click on the pic to visit her website.

Bless her southern heart, she has a canning how-to on her website (Home Canning 101). Both of Grandmothers canned food. I remember thinking that it was really a dumb waste of time. Why not just go to the store and by a bunch of canned food? But, as an adult I can appreciate the goodness of something that takes time, hard work, and love. Oh, how I wish that I had learned from them. Not just about canning, but about many other things too. My Dad's parents were married for 10 years before he came along. Which means that my Grandmother struggled with infertility. Yes, there could have been male factor too - my Grandfather was over weight and not exactly healthy. But, my Grandmother nearly died giving birth to my Dad. There is a pretty good chance that she had what I have (a unicornuate uterus). How did she handle dealing with infertility? How did he? What was it like for her when she did conceive, carry, and deliver a baby? Things that I wish I had asked her. I suppose I can guess. I'm sure she handled infertility much better than I have. I mean, I even know what my issues are. She didn't. She must have prayed for a child so hard. I know I haven't prayed nearly hard enough. She held so much wisdom that I never cared to tap into. I would give about anything to spend just a few more minutes with her. For my sake of course, she is in the perfect place. The knowledge of years lived and hard work done with so much love is lost. I let it go. But, there is hope. More than ever, I realize that I have to give my child/children the tools that I should have learned from her. I have to learn them myself. I am now learning many life lessons that will stay with me forever. Soon I will learn to can food so that I can teach my child to do it too. I know she would want me to and that's the best thing I can do to honor the gift that she was in my life.

What is that?!

2010-07-12T22:11:00.005-05:00

This bug was in my husband's garden today.

It was on a bell pepper plant. He is convinced that it is what has been eating his pepper plants. I've never seen anything like it before. I wish I could have gotten a better picture of it. He was just not very photogenic. He had little hooks for feet. His rear-end was sort of flat and would turn up. He was mostly gray. The strangest feature was the tube or tongue or something coming from his mouth. I spent most of the morning trying to identify him by researching online and it got my nowhere. We eventually took him out to the country and let him go in a corn field. Yes, that's right, we set free a bug. Hey, he is one of God's creatures too.

A Me Calling

2010-07-12T12:34:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we had two men from our church fill in at the pulpit for our pastor. He had been unexpectedly called away. The one who did the morning service said something that I've been thinking about every since. He said, "God has called me to be who I am" - or something to that affect. God called me to be me. I can't pretend to be someone else, or something that I'm not. I try very hard to make other people happy. Then, when others are displeased with me - I have much anxiety over it. Recently I chose to get a job outside of my home to try and help with our complicated financial situation. After two weeks at the job, I also chose to quit. It was the worst job I've ever had. True, I've not had that many jobs. However, when I did work- I was committed to the job until I was free to move on. I've been giving people all kinds of excuses as to why I quit. And in my mind they are all good reasons too. The biggest reason why I quit, and I haven't mentioned it much because most people wouldn't understand, is that things were not being done around our home that had to be done. Important things, even by most people's standards. Anyway, I really shouldn't care what other's think. I shouldn't be frustrated when I receive that judgemental, "Oh, she's one of those non-working types" look. I'm a wife. That's who I am. That's who I've been for almost 10 years. And yes, that is who I believe I am called to be. I hope to be called to be a mother one day too, but if not - no matter what, I am always going to be a wife. Some women believe that they can do it all. Perhaps it is possible. But, that is not who I am and I do not believe that is what God has asked of me. I have priorities and I am comfortable with them. God, Husband, Home, Family, and Me. I strive to make choices that implement my priorities. Do you see a need for a huge, fancy home with expensive things in that list? I don't. I've never put money anywhere near the list of things that are important to me. If that makes people feel annoyed or even angry with me, well then I guess I have to learn to deal with that. I do not intend to ever try to work a full time job again. I do not intend to go to college. I do not intend to be someone other than me.

Why I hate the 4th of July

2010-07-07T21:06:00.002-05:00

That may seem a little odd to some people. "How could she hate the 4th of July?! Is she a being anti-patriotic?!" No, I'm not against patriotism! I love my country very much! I just don't care for fireworks. Yes, they are very pretty and I can appreciate that. But, unfortunately, the knuckleheads in our neighborhood (in our whole town really) think that they are piro experts. We live in a very small town. It is considered a village. Population - 800. I am surrounded by rednecks. Rednecks really like to blow up stuff. The all night explosions started on Friday (the 2nd) and continued until last night (the 6th). Five nights of BOOM BANG BOOM is too much! For one thing, it makes our dogs nuts. They normally don't bark unless there is something to bark about (i.e. another dog, person walking near our house, or some other animal near by). During the war zone soundtrack they are maniacs. All the noise makes me a nervous wreck. And it's like this every year. I am always so glad when the celebrating has ended. The next holiday I dread is Halloween - for many of the same reasons.