I couldn't think of a title or even a picture to go with my post. I've got too much going on in my brain. Saturday was BirthMother's Day. We don't have contact with Olive's birthmom. I think about her all the time. Most people tell me how it's a blessing that we don't have to be bothered with her. How we don't have to worry about sharing Olive with her. The thing is, I do. In my heart I know that she is someone to Olive that I can never be. God chose her dna to create Olive, not mine. God chose her womb to carry Olive, not mine. For all the mothering that I do with Olive, those special things can't be pushed aside. I wonder about her pain. Does she still cry at night when her family is fast asleep? Did Christmas or Mother's Day nearly push her over the edge? Does her final image of Olive haunt her dreams? I know that's how I would feel. This year was my first Mother's Day as a mother. I woke up knowing that it wasn't going to make me feel anymore motherish than I already do. The end of the day left me wondering what exactly the holiday was for. I guess I figured once I was a mother that I would suddenly understand how Mother's Day is supposed to feel. That was not the case. I felt sympathy for those that I care about that are still waiting to be moms. I felt sympathy for Olive's birthmom. At no point did I feel some sort of magical mommy dust fall over me. I did receive a beautiful card & gift from my hubby and Olive. I really did appreciate them. Perhaps I will understand better next year. Tomorrow we go to court for Olive's finalization. I'm going to be glad to finally have it all behind us. We won't have to worry about visits or if the agency approves of just about everything we do with her. We can just be a family. Maybe we can finally be a family. It's been difficult to let go of my grand expectations of the "happy little family" fantasy. Seriously, there is no such thing. But maybe we can begin to feel comfortable enough to be whatever it is God intends for us.
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