A New Year

I've been doing pretty good this holiday. We celebrated Christmas just the two of us. We had a lazy, pajama wearing, movie watching, junk food eating day on Christmas day. I worked on and off through out the preparation time and we spent New Years Eve as we usually do - sleeping- since he had to work the next day. Those pigs don't much care what day it is. So, this year I thought that I had avoided the holiday blues - until today. I'm not sure if it is a delayed reaction, a result of a change in medication (we no longer have pharmacy coverage), or due to today's sermon on faith; but I'm feeling pretty yucky about life. Maybe it is from holding my friend's two day old baby last night. It's the same old thing: wondering if we will ever be parents, wondering if God even wants us to have children.... so on and so forth. I'm so tired of this game. I can't believe that we have been at this for 28 months. Been wanting what we can't have for 7 years. Been desiring children with my husband for 10+ years. I'm just so tired. I don't want to want it anymore. The harder I pray, the more I desire, the better I get at pretending..... None of it gets me anywhere. True, I'll probably feel better in a few days. I'll have some kind of renewed hope and faith and I'll feel regret for these thoughts of pity that I'm having, but I can't help having them. I wish I didn't need to have them, but I guess I do.