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A blog about infertility, adoption,and adoption loss which has finally led to a beautiful miracle who was worth smiling for."Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future."Proverbs 31:25

Monday, August 2, 2010

Drip...Drip...Drip

"A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike."
Proverbs 27:15 NASB
Contentious- exhibiting an often perverse and wearisome tendency to quarrels and disputes.
First things first: I have to make a public apology to my Husband for being this woman. I have been the major contributor of the heartache in our relationship for some time now. Honey, I am so sorry.
You wouldn't believe how discontent I have been lately. Or, maybe you would. I have been so full of myself. The anger raging inside of me over how unfair my life is has been killing my marriage.
I've read Proverbs 27:15 before and I always thought it just meant that a nagging woman was annoying (which is true). Today I read it again and wondered why God was "highlighting" it for me. The last couple of days I have realized that God wants me to do something. Something really hard. He wants me to move on. I so don't want life to go on until I'm a mother. But, God wants me to get on with life. He isn't going to leave me alone until I do, and it has been making me act like a child. A brat really. As we often do now-a-days, my husband and I got into a fight tonight. When it was over, I was wondering how we had come to this place. A place of such ugliness. I finally decided to be still and listen to what God had to say to me. And I realized what that verse really means.
A few weeks ago we started to notice leaking stains on our bathroom ceiling. While they were waiting for my husband to get some time to fix the problem, they got bigger and darker. He did eventually fix it. But, if he hadn't I know that several other bad things would have resulted. The dripping would have begun in the house. Causing the floor to become warped. Causing the wood to wrought. Which would eventually cause mold. Then one day the ceiling and the floor would give way. There would be huge holes.
This was what I was causing in our marriage. I was causing structural problems in the foundation of our relationship. I wish that I could take it all back. But, all I could do was say I was sorry and commit to God and my husband that I will seek Jesus every day. Every second if necessary. I don't know how to be a good wife, or even a good person. But, He can help me to be someone that I'm not. Please pray for me as I strive to be worth more than jewels (Proverbs 31:19).

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