A blog about infertility, adoption,and adoption loss which has finally led to a beautiful miracle who was worth smiling for."Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future."Proverbs 31:25

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Infertility- Working It Out

I'm going to be working somethings out. Sorting through some thoughts. So, just bare with me.

Seven years ago we found out about my fertility issues. In the beginning all I could think to do is be angry. Then I slowly started trying to understand what to do with my new reality. I needed to know what my options were. I quickly learned that really none of them appealed to me. I could pursue fertility treatments. I was already seeing a RE. We could adopt. There are billions of children in this world who need a home. We could do a seregant. Why have babies when you can get someone else to do it? Or we could continue to ttc on our own naturally. Nothing expensive about that. What did we do? None of the above. I went back on the pill to get AF under control and we basically did nothing until our move towards adoption in 2008. I know many people wonder how we could have not tried treatments. They wonder if I can even be considered infertile since we seemingly didn't even try that hard or long. I know that some even view our situation as being our choice. That we don't already have a child because we don't really want one bad enough. Knowing my own feelings about how I see things - that last one hurts a little. We have definitely talked about all our options many.... many times. Over and Over we have the same discussion. Probably about ever 4 months or so I begin to think about fertility treatments. I come across some story of a woman who defied the odds and carried a baby despite her uni. uterus and begin to wonder. As I always do, I go to my trusty Internet for some information and I read what I wish I didn't already know. That's when I remember that not only am I working with defective parts but they are parts that could kill a baby. The odds of a UU carrying to term and delivering a live baby are something like 4o % (more or less depending on the source). Some would say that ain't bad odds. But, when I look at that figure all I can see is the other side of it. 60% chance of spontaneous abortion - and that means at any point in the pregnancy not just within the first weeks or months. My uterus is so much smaller than a normal one that the baby would simply run out of room. My husband is always eager to add that pregnancy could also kill me. There is a chance of uterine rupture which is fatal. I know of plenty of people who have suffered losses and every time I read of one I am always so thankful that I have not. Really, that is the sole reason that I continue to deny treatments. It doesn't hurt that my husband doesn't want to do them either. But, to me it is the difference between knowing the feeling of having a baby die within me and not. My desire to be a mother isn't worth that to me. I would never say that I don't think others should pursue treatments. That is up to them. If God does want me to be a mother, I am totally sure that it is not via my own womb because of some expensive procedure. And I am at peace with that. Actually, I think I have been for a while now. I guess it is more the way others make me feel about it that gets me restless. I just don't know how to explain to them why. I think most people are so eager to pass judgement on me for how I have handled this that they really wouldn't care what I said. It makes sense that I wouldn't try to explain. Most likely it is those who give birth to their children at random and at will. It is impossible to understand how I feel if you don't know my life. If you can't experience what I have been through. I can live with my infertility. Can you?
NOTE: The "you's" and such aren't directed at anyone in particular. I promise.


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