1 Year Ago

Yesterday (the 30th) BabyZ turned 1.  I couldn't help but think of her.  I pray for her all the time.  That she would be well taken care of and that the Lord would be with her through out her life.  I've also been thinking about how quickly life can change.  A year ago we were hulled up in a hospital room feeling very confused and defeated.  When we returned home without BabyZ I did not want to continue with adoption.  The process had been lost on me.  A few days later we decided that we would continue, but to be honest I didn't think we would make it much longer.  We had seen one of the many dark sides of adoption.  If someone had told me that almost exactly two months later I would be bringing home a different little girl, MY little girl - I wouldn't have believed it possible.  I think I felt like adoption was against me.  That I would never reach the other side.  Little more than a month after BabyZ was born - we rushed to another hospital to meet yet another little girl.  A very sick little girl.  Again we understood that adoption is not as beautiful as they say.  The miracle that she is, Isabella Grayce is still fighting for her life but also filling the hearts of her adoptive family.  Her adoptive mommy is gracious enough to let me stay updated on her via facebook.  When we had to leave her in that hospital NICU I doubted that she would make it through the night.  Her doctors have said that she won't make it to her first birthday.  But, the Lord continues to breath life into her and she continues to bless the hearts of many.  I pray for her all the time as well, even though I don't feel worthy to do so.  Our brief experiences with those two girls were, in a way, preparation for Olive.  When we first brought her home I thanked God daily for her health and I still know that I will never take it for granted.  Not knowing Olive's birthmom has been difficult but I think I'm starting to accept that the way it happened was best and that I can make sure Olive knows about her even if I don't have contact with her.  A year later, I look back on all of it and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I know our three years of waiting was something that we needed to go through.  We had to wait for Olive to be born.  As we approach her first birthday in October I can barely remember what life was like without her.  What a difference a year can make.  You never know what a year might bring.

Possible Failed Adoption Ahead

Let me start this post by saying that I can't predict if an adoption match is going to end in a failed attempt.  Nor am I saying that a "failed" adoption (I really prefer adoption loss) is always some one's fault.  It's not.  Sometimes the birthmom changes her mind and she has every right to do that.  It's very sad for the adoptive couple but we're talking about a baby here.  Cute and lovable.  Who wouldn't want to keep that.  Now that I'm a mom I understand a little better how hard it must have been for Olive's birthmom to say goodbye.  It must be the worst pain. 
I did want to post about possible signs that an adoption match might be a scam.  I've gathered these through my own personal experience and the experience of other APs (adoptive parents) whom I know of. 

1. Asking for money: I think the biggest red flag is if the birthmom/parents ask for money.  In many situations were you are working with an agency or lawyers they have rules about the exchange of money between birthparents and APs.  For one thing, It's against the law to buy a baby.  Sometimes an agreement is worked out where the APs pay for medical expenses or some living expenses.  I don't happen to agree with that at all, but I know it happens.  What I'm talking about is when you get hit up for money right off the bat.  For example; you are contacted by a birthmom and she says she is interested in placing with you but only if you send her some money for this or that.  It sounds fishy reading it here, but when you are so wanting to be parents you are blinded by that desire.  In our failed adoption K was working our agency.  She got help with living expenses, transportation, child care (both expenses and daycare), and medical expenses.  We had no idea that all this was going on during our match.  We know that our agency helps birthmoms, but was unaware of how much she was using them. 
2. Little white lies: things that you realize don't add up about birthmom's story or just anything.  Someone who is a pathological lier uses them freely like breathing.  In our match, K told us many lies.  As I've said before I have no doubt that the whole thing was fake from the beginning.  One lie that I caught her in was way in the beginning.  She had told us that she was a certain age, however when I looked her up on facebook her profile had a birthday that said she was older.  Of course it bothered me at first, but then I thought, "It isn't important to our situation so why should I care".  If what you are being told doesn't make sense - question it until you get answerer's.  K went back and forth with us about her due date and how far along she was.  It seemed to change daily.  Then she was having contractions or a c-section and then she wasn't.  We were up and down all the time.  Which brings me to my third point.
3. Drama Queen: If the birthmom seems to love attention and makes big scenes then she might be in it simply for the spotlight.  It was really hard for me to admit that someone could be this insensitive, but that is what K did with us. 
4. Not Struggling: If a birthmom is really trying to decide what is best for her baby by placing with you, then she should be really struggling emotionally.  If she isn't then there is something wrong.  It's one thing to like you as her couple or family, but letting someone else raise her child should be extremely difficult to deal with.  K never once seemed conflicted.  The whole time she was as cool as a cucumber.  At the time that seemed like a good thing.  That she was confident in us.  Really she just didn't have anything to worry about.  It's that simple.
5. Intuition: Listen to your intuition.  God put it there on purpose.  If something seems off and you don't even have a name for it - proceed with caution.

When your in the middle of a match it is a very happy time.  I really enjoyed most of it.  It was, I would think, a lot like being pregnant.  You are looking at life through rose colored glasses.  So, it is very hard to see if there is something wrong.  If you're like me, there is some denial as well.  I really thought that I had bonded with K.  I went to her dr appointment with her.  We emailed.  We visited at the agency.  I was sure that we were all in for an amazing open adoption experience.  I was so wrong.
I'm not posting this to scare anyone or upset anyone.  I just thought that I had wished someone had warned me. 
Edited To Include
An online friend of mine had some great things to add to this list.  Mrs. Stephanie Galetti is a new adoptive mom of a handsome little boy named Chance, a wife, and an attorney. 
Stephanie:
"I would add:
1.  If they are on FB and the only "friends" they have are other hopeful adoptive couples (she's likely attention craving and seeking from several AP's) or newly formed accounts (likely all made by her);2.  If they are sending or posting ultrasound pics - look closely at the name, date, and location of the pic. If there are none with this info, they may just be off the Internet, or they may be hiding something (it's okay to block their name if on FB, but you can do that easily without blocking or cutting off ALL the info on the us. I recently saw one where it was dated 1999...try again, hon! Haha
Similarly, if they post pictures and the date in the lower right side is there- that's probably old - those are from FILM cameras- virtually no one uses those now.. And if the date is blurred out, bingo! Or obviously doctored, bingo!
3.  Anything that appears Photoshopped probably is... You have to ask yourself WHY they would photoshop something unless they are hiding it or lying.
4.  If they don't want to talk on the phone and only want to talk via email, FB, or text... I wouldn't get concerned immediately. These are the days of the texting generation. That's how young girls (and guys) communicate. It's easier for them. BUT, if after many weeks or a couple of months of this, they are still not either willing to meet you in person or on the phone, some caution should be taken. I'll note, though... We talk with our BM via text 99% of the time; we did before our son was born and continue to today. It's just the easiest and most comfortable way for her....
5.  Meeting: you should insist on meeting in person and getting proof of pregnancy- this might include a doctors report or a FULL undoctored ultrasound showing name, clinic (google it to make sure it is where she says she lives), and date. Make sure the EDD (estimated due date) lines up with what she has told you. LMP (last menstrual period) is helpful for that same reason. Do NOT base your belief that she is really pregnant on pics of a big belly - ESPECIALLY ones that don't show her face! --- I've come to learn that even young girls can have a surprisingly flabby belly which, when "puffed out" can be made to look like a pregnant belly... Get POP! Also, keep an eye on belly pics - do her 12 weeks along (shouldn't really be showing) and 28 weeks along (should be pretty large and obviously pregnant) look about the same? Trust your gut on this one. Compare pics on the Internet of that many weeks along...
6.  If they refuse to have contact with your attorney or agency, start wondering... In most states, SOMEONE is going to have to take surrenders... If they don't want to deal with that someone, maybe they don't intend to give the baby up..
 7.  Keep in mind that there are, indeed, women and young girls out there who do this for attention only, not to get money or anything of value. They are emotional scammers. No one knows exactly why they do it, but there are a lot of them out there. So, just because she doesn't ask for money or something of value, doesn't mean it isn't a scam.
8.  Trust your instincts above all else and always proceed with caution."

BabyZ at 2 months

I wish the picture was better but I'm sure she took it with her phone. I've been stalking K on facebook, almost daily. We aren't "friends" but I am able to see some things. She posted this picture recently. It's the only picture she has posted of BabyZ. I find that sort of odd that she wouldn't be showing off scads of pictures of her new little girl. But, anyway.... she is growing more beautiful all of the time.

The Pink Pacifier

You will notice in the pictures of BabyZ that she is using a pink pacifier.  It was the pacifier that we brought with us.  She learned to suck by using it.  When we said goodbye it stayed with her in her crib.  I guess I was hoping that I would see it again - along with her.  When N called us with the bad news, one of the only things I said was that I would like to have that pacifier back to remember BabyZ with since she actually used it.  N said she would try to get it back.  However, she didn't.  N didn't say why she couldn't get it for me and I didn't ask.  I hope that K is using it for BabyZ.  But, I have my doubts.  Most of all, I can't stop thinking about it.  Everyday I think about that pink pacifier and BabyZ using it.  I would love to have it so that I could feel better connected to her.  But, I can't.  For all I know, K may have tossed it.  I have strong feelings about this.  Very strong!

Pap me if you dare

*WARNING- Not Man Friendly Reading*

I've been having some lady equipment issues.  Without going over all the details, lets just say that as usual my junk is messed up.  I've been dealing with it for a few weeks now.  I finally broke down and went to the doctor today.  I really hate going to the doctor.  I'm a terrible patient.  At least I imagine that I am to a doctor.  And we don't have any insurance.  We haven't had any since the hubby lost his job back in Oct. 2010.  But, I went.  I knew they would pap me.  I HATE those!  I've had dozens since 2003, but I never get used them.  They are easier, but never fun.  IFers are export pap-ers.  The nurse (also my sis-n-law) put out the tools and told me the doctor would be with me in a moment.  As I sat there the speculum was staring at me.  Daring me to bolt out the backdoor of the office.  Then I realized how much the spreader part looks like a dolphin head.  "I don't need to be afraid of that thing", I thought.  Then I started getting mental images of a dolphin and um... lady bits.  The doctor came into the room with me laughing out loud at the silliness.  She asked me how my nerves were doing?  (considering the adoption loss and all)  For a second I think she may have thought that I lost it.  I assured her that I was as sane as usual.  We got the hard part over and she prescribed estrogen.  Later my sis-n-law called to tell me that the doctor forgot to mention that I will be fertile for a few weeks.  It was a big shocker because I never consider myself fertile.  But, now it seems that I have a ttc (trying to conceive) opportunity.  And I'm taking it.  I'm not sure what I would do if I actually did get pregnant.  It's never seemed this possible before.  So, we'll see.

*POS means Pee On a Stick*

The BabyZ Show

Click the pink speaker to hear the song.

You Knew!

"I don't understand why you are so upset - you knew that she might parent".  Well, that is a true statement.  I did know that.  And if that had been the only issue things would have been a lot easier.  Let me play out that scenario for us:

We arrive at the hospital to discover that K has decided to parent.  We are sad, but I give K a hug and smile over at her babyZ and know that everything is going to be okay.  My hubby and I walk hand-in-hand back to our car and drive home. 

But, that's not what happened.  K lied to us, manipulated us, and strung us along for three days while we waited just two doors down.  If she had chosen not to do that; yes, I would still be sad about not bringing home a baby but I could deal with everything much better.  I would not feel dooped, angry, guilty, and just plain stupid.  I would not feel a loss of trust in birthmoms. 

Did I know that she could and might decide to parent?  Of course!  Did I know that she was going to act the way she did.  NO!  I would never treat someone that way, therefore I don't expect someone to do those things to me.  K made a choice.  She choose to shred the connection that I thought I had with her.  That I had hoped I would have with her in the future.  I was so open to having her be apart of our lives.  Now, I don't know that I want that with any birthmom.  Oh, we will still have somewhat of an open adoption because our agency insists on it.  But, I won't be able to open my heart to another birthmom the way I did with K.  I'm upset because she ruined it. 

And Life Goes On

I received this package this morning in my mailbox.  I signed up for the free sample weeks and weeks ago.  I almost left it in the box rather than bring it in.  I didn't figure the mail guy would send it back though.  It's so annoying when things you send for actually show up.

Yesterday I helped my parents put away several of the large baby things into a storage unit (along with a bunch of other stuff that belong them). 

Everything is going back to the way it was.  Back to waiting and hoping.  Dreaming and wondering.  As if the moment had never existed.  Everyday there is a glimpse of a memory, and then I wonder if it really happened or not.  Did I really hold her?  Were we really matched?  Was it all a cruel fantasy?  I'm so glad that I go the pictures that I did so that I have proof.  I've been watching the video everyday and wishing that I had taken more. 

My Grieving Process

 Creating different ways to remember her is helping me grieve and move on.  Sorry if you get tired of them, but it's my process. 

I Don't Hate Her

I don't hate K.  I don't understand why she chose to act the way that she did, but I don't hate her.  I have strong feelings towards her right now, but I don't hate her.  It's going to take some time, but I know that I will eventually feel compassion and pity for her.  I will eventually be able to have enough love in my heart to pray for her too when I pray for BabyZ.  I can and will forgive and let go. 

Failure or Loss?

I've discovered that I HATE the phrase "failed adoption".  I don't believe that I have failed at anything.  I think the word "Loss" works much better.  I failed at math in school, I lost my right to adopt a little girl that had been offered to me.  See the difference.

We & BabyZ

 

Mis-Matched Part 2

 Sunday July 31 around 3:00 a.m.

Our room phone rang.  My hubby answered since he was closest to it, and then handed it over to me.  K was asking me to come get BabyZ.  N had texted earlier and let us know that K planned to keep BabyZ with her for the night.  So, I was pleasantly surprised at this development.  We got up and hurried down the hall.  When I entered her room I saw K holding a crying BabyZ in one hand and trying to fix her a bottle with the other.  She told me that BabyZ was hungry but that she was so tired.  I told her it was no problem and wheeled BabyZ away before she changed her mind.  Back in our room I looked at her feeding chart (we had to keep a journal of when and how much she ate, and also wet & dirty diapers) and BabyZ hadn't eaten or had her diaper changed since 10:00 p.m.  5 hours ago!  Also she was wearing a ducky sleeper and pink socks that obviously did not belong to the hospital.  I was less than happy.  We fed, burped, and changed her and settled in for a little more sleep.  We took turns, starting with my hubby holding her for a little over an hour.  Around 5 a.m. I took her so he could sleep.  I sat in the hospital bed with her resting on my chest.  This is the first time I can recall feeling something more than that initial "awe" feeling.  For the first time she was all wide eyes.  I looked at her and she looked at me.  I knew I could love this baby. 

6 a.m.

A nurse came in (they always politely knocked before entering) and said they needed to take some blood from BabyZ to check for a wide range of problems.  I reluctantly handed her over.  She was only gone for about 5 minutes.  Then she back snug in my arms.  My hubby was snoozing soundly so I continued to keep her.  Maybe 15 minutes later another nurse came in and checked her belly ribbon.  Belly ribbon = jaundice.  The tool they use is so funny.  It sort of looks like one of those new thermometers that you swipe across the fore head, only it has a suction cup on the end that glows red.  The nurse explained to me that they like the reading to be 8 or under.  BabyZ passed with a 7.1.  I remember saying to her, "Alright you passed your first test".  She smiled so I guess it was pretty funny. 

7 a.m.

I was just finishing up feeding her again, when K came in.  She apparently had an attack of manors because she knocked this time.  She said that she was having pain in our chest (drs discovered that she has heart problems during her pregnancy with BabyZ) and was headed to another floor of the hospital to be checked by her heart doctor.  She said she wanted to take BabyZ back to her room to spend a little more time with her before she moved and wouldn't be able to see her again that day.  Once they were gone we got our showers and everything.  My hubby went and got some breakfast for us from the cafeteria.  Biscuits and gravy.  I ate, but I didn't really want it.  My stomach was tied up in knots.  We didn't hear anything from K, or even about her for a while.  N texted and said she would be there soon.

8:30 a.m.

N texted and said she was in the building, but that K was asking to talk with her.  I'm not sure how long we waited to see N, maybe an hour.  She came in and asked us how we were doing.  We were physically and emotionally exhausted already and it was only Sunday.  We still had at least two more days.  Anyway, N told us that she had received a call from K that morning.  K had told her that she had decided to parent and that she didn't want to see N or us anymore.  But, when N got to the hospital a nurse told her that K was asking for her after all.  N talked with her and K said that maybe she wasn't sure what she wanted to do.  That was the first time she had ever expressed any indecision, before or after the birth.  N had actually been on her way to break the news to us and safely remove us from the situation.  Now, K was saying that she wasn't sure.  That maybe she wanted to do adoption or maybe she wanted to parent.  N said that she really couldn't say for sure which way she thought K was leaning.  Because K continued to claim she was still considering adoption we felt that we had to continue with the process.  We had to see it through.  After a little more counsel, N returned to K's room.  Oh, by the way - the whole thing about her chest hurting magically disappeared.  She had never even alerted the nurses.  The story about her moving rooms had never existed.  However, she did convince her O.B. that she was in too much pain to go home.  She managed to stay another day.

12:00 p.m.

We had both taken naps while we were waiting to hear something.  We decided that we would go down to the cafeteria and have lunch.  I texted N to let her know where we were going.  When we got down there all I could order was a glass of tea.  I just couldn't eat.  While I was watching my hubby eat, N came over with a salad on her tray and asked if she could join us.  She told us that K was still undecided.  We talked about how we were feeling about the situation and what our options were again.  N wanted us to know that we could leave the situation if we wanted since K was possibly reversing her plan.  She said we could go home if we wanted to.  But, neither of us was ready to give up hope.  As N was finishing up her meal, K texted her and told her that she wanted to see me.  Not us, but me.  N asked me if I could handle going alone.  I said that I guessed I could.  When we got up to her room it turned out that all she wanted was for us to take BabyZ back to our room.  She said that the photographer would be around to take her picture, and for reasons that I didn't yet understand she wanted the pictures to be taken in our room with her wearing clothes that we had brought. 

The Pictures

We waited for another hour for the photographer to show up.  We got a chance to feed and change her again.  We discussed whether or not we would cloth her in one of our outfits.  N told us that it was up to us.  We still hadn't decided when the photographer arrived.  She mentioned that some parents preferred skin shots.  We thought that was a great idea.  That way we weren't putting her in one of our outfits but she also wouldn't be wearing the plain, somewhat dingy looking onsie that K had put on her.  It seemed to fit every angle, except for BabyK's.  I believe I mentioned that she liked to be swaddled tight.  She hated being unwrapped and in diaper only.  The photographer was really good, but several times BabyK cried out (which was the first and only time she cried in our care).  Suddenly, K came barreling through the doorway asking why her baby was crying.  The photographer told her that most babies don't like their picture taken at first.  That seemed to calm her down enough that she could go back to her room.  Before she did, she said that she wanted all of us to come to her room to review the pictures.  When the photographer was satisfied that she had enough shots, we redressed BabyK in her mother's onsie and started back down the hall with her.  The photographer handed me a paper and said that we would need to follow certain protocol to be allowed to purchase or even view the pictures online.  I handed the paper to N to study and she said she would take care of it.  When we got to K's room we viewed the pictures and they were really cute.  K didn't mention the fact that BabyZ was undressed so I guess it suited her.  The photographer started to explain to K about ordering instructions and mentioned that we would need to do some thing before we could order ours.  She was visibly shaken.  Her plan had been for us to pay for one of the packages and then according to her we would divide up the pictures.  She made it clear that she wanted her pictures today.  With the process that we had to follow to have access to the pictures, it was going to be at least two days.  She could have her pictures right away, but not through us.  She sent us all out of the room, keeping BabyZ who had begun to cry while she was throwing her fit.  I noted that she did not so much as look at BabyZ when she started to cry.  Ironic huh.  We stood in the hallway a minute and told N that we wouldn't be buying any of the pictures.  The prices were too high and there was no way that we were buying K's pictures.  N agreed.  We walked back to our room.  It was 3:00 p.m.

Raising Our White Flag- Sunday Evening

N left the hospital but kept in contact via text.  She told us that some of K's family were visiting so we should steer clear of her room.  We found out that K hadn't told most of her family and friends about the adoption - therefore not about us either.  As the day had progressed, we became more and more aware that things were not going our way.  I know that sounds silly.  While I've been typing this I see that we were being really stupid.  Of course it wasn't going our way.  Of course she was going to parent.  But, in that present we couldn't admit it anymore than she could.  I think that we wanted to hold onto that false bit of hope so much.  After all K was still saying that she wanted to continue with the adoption plan - maybe.  But, her actions were without a doubt that of a woman who would parent.  And I'm now sure that it was premeditated.  Why else would she have brought baby clothes with her and picked out a name.  I couldn't admit that someone could be so mean as to lead us on like that.  For dinner, we made one of a series of decisions that was purely for our sanity.  We went out to eat.  I texted N and told her we were going out and she said she understand that we needed to get away from the hospital for a while.  We ate at an Applebees.  We didn't want to go back right away so we drove around.  I was trying to call my mother.  We had almost no cell signal in our room.  Only enough to text and even then we had to stand with our hand against the window.  I hadn't spoken to my parents or anyone else the whole time.  I was eager to hear my mom's voice and hear words of comfort, however now my battery was dying.  And of course the charger was in our room.  Finally I threw my phone in the floor in frustration and started to wail.  All the stress was leaking out.  I told my hubby that I was starting to hate K.  To my surprise he said "I know".  I never know for sure how he is feeling or how much of a situation he is actually picking up on.  I told him that I wasn't sure how long I could continue with the charade.  Finally being somewhat on the outside looking in, the truth was becoming clear.  As we passed by K's room on our way to ours, there were family or friends coming in and out and some huddled around her as she was sitting up in a chair.  She was holding BabyZ to her chest.  I can't swear to what I saw, but I am almost sure that K was breastfeeding.  I practically ran to our room.  When we were safe in side, my sister-in-law texted me and I told her things weren't going well.  I told her that we wanted to come home.  Her reply was that I should end my heartache.  That affected me some much.  It was like a much needed slap into reality.  K was hurting us and with no thought to how it was affecting us and we were letting her.  Again I cried, but this time it was my reaction to the dissolution of the fantasy that I had been holding on to.  We decided that K could do as she liked, but that we would no longer be participants in her game.  Our first move was not taking BabyZ that night.  N texted me to let us know that K said she would be sending BabyZ down to us sometime that night.  I was sick of being at K's beckon call.  I was done letting K call all the shots.  And I also had a horrible tension headache.  I texted N back and asked her to tell K that she could keep BabyZ for the night.  We had only spent two hours with her all day.  It seemed to me that K just wanted a night time babysitter.  I was preparing myself for letting go of BabyZ.  I had carried that "not mine" feeling with me all along, but I had started to care for her very much.  And we all know that I am in love with the idea of having a baby and being a mom.  If K wasn't going to say what she really wanted to do, I was going to have to say it for her. 

Monday Morning July 1 

My alarm went off at 7:00, but we weren't in any hurry to get up.  I crawled up into bed next hubby and we talked.  We planned out how we were going to deal with the rest of the day.  K was supposed to be facing discharge from the hospital, however I was betting she was figure out a way to remain again.  Drag things out as long as possible.  Our moves would be based on if she stayed or went.  If K stayed we would go to a hotel.  If she went home without baby we would stay.  And of course if she decided to parent we would go home.  As soon as N came in she told us that K had talked her O.B. into tying her tubes sometime that day.  She had wanted him to do it right after the birth but her usual O.B. wasn't the doctor that did the delivery and the attending doctor wouldn't do the surgery.  He told her that she would have to wait for a few weeks, but she some how got him to agree to do it Monday.  She would have her surgery in the afternoon or evening.  That's right, she was staying yet another day and night.  We let N know that we would be going to a hotel for the night.  It wasn't what we really wanted to do, but we felt like K was leaving us no choice.  We had to do something.  As long as K was in the building we would not be bonding with BabyZ.  Confident in our plan we went downstairs to get some breakfast.  We thought that we should wait to see if K went through with the tubal before we packed all our stuff and left.  So, we napped for a while and watched t.v. 

11:00 a.m.

N came in to talk to us.  She said that K still wasn't committing to an answer.  Then she reminded us of something that we had forgot to consider.  The law says that K has to wait 72 hours to sign surrenders.  But, she doesn't have to sign.  She could have longer if she wanted.  We didn't need any time to discuss what we would do in that situation.  There was no way we could consider taking BabyZ home without surrenders.  If K had been leaning more towards adoption, it may have been different.  If she hadn't manipulated and lied it may have been different.  But she had totally lost all our trust and respect.  The thought of taking BabyZ home and K deciding to parent was more than we could bare.  We didn't want to put anyone through that.  Us, BabyZ, or N.  We agreed that if K intended to drag this out beyond Tuesday morning, then she would have to take BabyZ home without signing or BabyZ would have to be placed in foster care until K made up her mind (that's the policy).  We prayed for BabyZ's sake that she would just admit that she was parenting before that had to happen.  I had to keep reminding myself that K was doing this to all of us.  That we were simply trying to survive at this point.  N also told us that K was now saying the birthdad was someone else.  Someone other than the man she named before.  That just sealed it for us.  We know a family that had a placement.  The birthmom lied about who the birthdad was and after bonding with the baby for a month our agency had to take him away from our friends.  As my hubby would say, that would destroy me. 

Goodbye 

After N was finished talking to us we decided that we wanted to see BabyZ one last time.  Luckily she was in the nursery and K was sleeping in her room.  We scrubbed up and put on those gowns that look like toilet paper.  BabyZ had her own little cubby with a rocking chair and a swivel chair.  The rest of the small space was occupied by machinery used for preemie babies.  Hubby held her first.  I watched as he smiled and cooed over her.  He has an amazing father instinct.  I noticed on the feeding chart that there was erasing and pen scribbles all over the line where her name goes.  We knew that K had been changing the name all over the place.  K used our name when we were around.  But, she had used her first name and our first name as BabyZ's middle name on the first draft of the birth certificate.  Once we realized the truth, it made me really angry that she used our name.  The first name that we chose was a version of my Grandmother's name.  She was really special to me.  I was sarcastically amused and also relieved when I saw on her feeding chart that K had finally written down the name that she intended to use all along.  The first name started with a Z and the middle name with a G - but I can't feel confident in pronouncing either of them.  Let me say, though, that they were two very large names for such a tiny baby.  Well, anyway, when hubby was done holding her he asked me if I wanted a turn.  I had previously told him that I didn't want to hold her.  When he offered her to me, however, I had to take her one last time.  She was so peaceful and content.  Not at all like the crazy situation that surrounded her.  I was sitting in the rocker, however I refused to let myself rock her.  All weekend neither of us called her by the first name we had picked.  We also didn't call each other mom or dad either.  And I didn't sing to her.  That's kind of my thing.  I did, in that moment, hold her against my chest again just like I had that first night.  For one more minute I could pretend that she was mine.  That things were finally going to be right.  For 8 years I have waited to prove that nurse wrong.  The one that told me just after my surgery that I wouldn't be able to have children.  For 8 years I have craved the very thing I couldn't have.  All the struggling, tears, arguing, and money had come down to this one tiny little girl - and I had to place her back in that crib and let go.  Again, I stood there with my hand on her blanket just like when I first saw her.  I'm not sure when it started but before I knew it I was weeping into my hubby silly thin gown.  I couldn't believe that I had to walk away from her.  But, after some kind words from a nurse and one last look - we did.  We removed our gowns and walked out.  We went back to our room and packed our things.  I texted N that we were going out to lunch and then to walk around at the mall.  I let a nurse at the front desk know that we would be out for a while and we left. 
5:00 p.m.
N had texted me that she was back at the hospital.  She wanted to talk to us one more time before we all left for the day.  We drove back to the hospital.  N told us that K was in her surgery.  She said that she told K about our plan to get a hotel and that she had seemed agitated about it but also she said she understood that this was difficult on us too.  I seriously doubt she meant it.  We talked with N in our room for a while.  N was hoping to get to talk with K before she (N) went home.  I really don't know if she ever did.  We left for our hotel around 6:30.  We stayed at a Comfort Inn and it was really very nice.  We splurged and requested a jacuzzi room.  We figured we deserved it.  We had pizza delivered and we relaxed in the tub.  We went to bed early.  Being in that hospital had been exhausting. 
Tuesday July 2 @ 7:00 a.m.

We woke up to nervous stomachs, although my hubby was still able to scarf down some cereal from the continental breakfast.  We showered and dressed and I repacked our things for the final time.  We spooned on the bed watching t.v.  I'm not sure we said more than 10 words to each other all morning. 
9:18 a.m.
My phone rings and it is N's ringtone.  I answer and as soon as N spoke I knew.  She sounded so mournful even though she was only asking me how we were doing.  I wanted to hang up, but I listened to everything she had to say.  It was a really short simple sentence.  "K is going to parent".  Finally, there it was.  The truth that everyone has been avoiding but knew existed.  All I could say was okay.  Hubby wouldn't let me wait to tell him.  I covered the hearing end and told him that she was parenting.  He threw up his hands and went to vent on the other side of the room.  N told me how sorry she was and mentioned that the agency offered counseling.  I told her that we appreciated everything she had done for us.  She said she would be checking on us later.  I hung up. 
Overwhelming sadness mixed with relief that it was over.  I made my hubby remove the band from my arm.  He flung it into the trash can.  We hugged for a few minutes, then grabbed our bags and checked out.
The Drive Home
On the way home I texted our friends and family that had been following the saga.  And all the way home my phone beeped with messages of sympathy and support.  We were already healing on our drive.  Hubby would say something like, "It's probably for the best" and I would realize something that had happened that assured me he was right.  As we talked, all the pieces of the weekend seemed to come together.  We could plainly see that K had never really wanted to place with us.  Maybe even from the beginning.  Still, we agreed that we were glad to have met BabyZ.  We were glad that we got the privilege to care for her during her first days of life.  Even though she will never know us, we will remember her and we will pray for her everyday. 

Mis-Matched

I've been putting off a post all weekend.  And all afternoon.  But, I feel like I need to get it typed up before memories start to fade.  It's been a while since I blogged anything this difficult to talk about but I know I need to so that I can go back and read what happened later - and so that our friends and family that read my blog can have an account of the whole story to fill in the blanks left between texts and interrupted phone calls.  So, here goes - starting from

Friday July 29; afternoon

I got a call from N saying that Kmom (who, from now on I will refer to as just K) had been to her doctor and that they were planning to induce her on Monday July 1.  N had verified the information with the doctor.  I was sort of excited, but a little cautious too.  Things the past few weeks had been rocky at best.  I had become very suspicious - and it turns out rightfully so. 

Friday evening around 11 pm

I checked my email since K was known for late night communication and she had indeed sent me something.  Her words were simply, "She's a lovely 8 lbs".  My first reaction was shock, thinking that she had already given birth.  However, keeping in mind her recent deceptions - my response was, "N told me that you had been to the doctor.  Did you have another ultrasound today?".  I waited for an hour for a reply and never got one.  I went to bed @ 1:00.

Allow me to interject a little back story as to my whereabouts at this point.

A friend of mine had lady bits surgery last Wednesday.  I volunteered to help her with her son on Friday, Saturday, & Sunday while her husband was working since I had also had a similar surgery 8 years ago.  Because I would be there late and since my parent's house was closer to my friend's than my own home, I decided that I would spend nights at my parent's rather than going home.  On Friday night I was sleeping in my Mom's guest room.  My husband is at home.

Saturday July 30th around 3 a.m.

My phone goes off and it's my husband's tone.  I scramble in the dark to answer it.  I don't remember exactly all he said, but he told me that N had tried to call me and then called him.  K was in active labor, however N hadn't been allowed to speak with K.  N recommended that we did not come just yet, until she was able to talk with K and find out if everything was still a go.  I hung up very confused.  The plan that we had always talked about was that we would be there when El (from now on I will call her BabyZ) was born and that I would even be in the delivery room.  I called N to hear everything directly from her.  Poor N - working in her own home at 3 a.m. on a Saturday.  Her daughter was crying in the background since she had been woke up by all the phone calls and her mother moving around.  N repeats everything that my husband had told me and asks me if we could be in the area of the hospital at 8 a.m.  She was planning on going up there around 6 to see if she could find out what was going on.  I said we would.  I called my husband back and told him that I was coming home.  I gathered all my stuff and tip toed to the door.  I didn't want to tell my parent's what was going on because I wasn't sure myself.  Just as I opened the front door my mom stirred in her living room chair.  She looked at me and asked if I was going home, I told her I was and she told me to be careful and went back to sleep.  When I got home I checked my email again to see if K had ever replied back and she had not.  It was a horrible feeling not knowing what was happening and feeling so in the dark about our own child's birth.  I was pretty sure that we wouldn't even make it to the hospital before N called and told us that K had decided to parent (keep her).  A part of me wishes that she had.

5 a.m.

My alarm goes off.  All total I got 3 hours of sleep.  I had dozed off in the chair laying long ways with legs dangling over one arm.  When the alarm went off I reacted like it was a call and tried to stand up to answer it, but landed in the floor.  Hubby laughed at me and it broke the tension a little that had been hanging in the room since I got home.  I raced around the house to gather everything I thought we would need.  I had previously made a short vague list, but it did little to help me pack.

6 a.m.

A tote bag with all of our electronics and our adoption folder, a car seat, a stuffed diaper bag, and an over-flowing rolling suitcase were waiting by our front door.  We loaded everything up in our truck and started our 2 hour drive south.  About 30 minutes into our journey, my husband realizes that he left his wallet behind.  It was too late to turn around so he did without it for 3 days.  It hadn't really mattered. 

7:10 a.m.

N texts me to tell me that she is at the hospital and was finally able to talk with K.  BabyZ had been born at 3:50 a.m.  She says that K does want us to come to the hospital.  So we abandon the plan to go to a restaurant near the hospital for breakfast (and anxious waiting), and I find the hospital on our gps. 

8:00 a.m.

We pull up to the hospital and park.  I text N to let her know that we are there and wait for further instruction.  She texts me back to come to the 2nd floor and wait outside the elevator.  She would meet us there.  We stand around for several minutes in the hall way of the O.B. waiting for N to come walking around one of the corners.  Finally she joins us and lets us know that K wants to see us, however she was not yet in her room.  We wait longer, talking with N.  N tells us that BabyZ has lots of hair and that she is healthy.  She tells us that K is still planning on adoption.  However, we also find out that K has seen and held BabyZ, which was the opposite of everything K had told us in our meetings before.  Still we were optimistic.  Finally, we get the go ahead to visit K's room. 

Our Stay In K's Room

When we first walked in, I glance over at BabyZ but try to keep my focus on K.  In all of my reading and in our training class, we were told to make sure the birthmom feels that we are sympathetic to her situation.  Both of just having given birth and that she is going through a major struggle to decide what is best for her baby.  But, a few seconds later she invites me to hold BabyZ.  I move towards her rolling crib and lay my hands on top of her tiny blanket wrapped body.  Smiling, I gently finger her little cap and the soft toffs of hair sticking out from under it.  I sort of hovered there for several seconds.  Again, K says that I should hold her.  I had a terribly strong urge to snatch her up and run for the door.  But, I gently moved to pick her up.  That's when I notice the card on the side of her crib.  I stood there, stopped in mid pick up.  "How do you pronounce her name?" I ask cooly, but nearly dying inside.  In our meetings she had told us that she would use the first and middle names we had picked out.  Yet, right there written in pen, was another name.  And yes, it was truly a name I couldn't pronounce just by looking at it.  She assured me that it was the doings of some family that had been in to visit her.  But, by the tone in her voice I knew different.  It was the first of many times in the next 72 hours that I felt sick to my stomach.  I completed my lifting of BabyZ, but I turned and placed her into my hubby's arms.  I wish I could describe his reaction to her, but i really can't.  He was..... totally instantly smitten.  From somewhere inside him surfaced a daddy personality that I had never seen before.  He was melted.  He took her over to a visitor's seat and held her.  I sat next to him and watched.  In the corner of my eye I watched K too.  She seemed to have no reaction to seeing him hold her baby.  None.  Not sadness, not annoyance, not happiness... nothing.  After a few minutes he offered her to me.  My intuition was screaming at me to refuse, but my arms went out and received her anyway.  I can't say how many times I had dreamed of that moment.  I would fantasize about how it would feel to hold my baby and how I would react.  The truth of that particular moment was much different.  One phrase ran through my heart over and over, "This is not my baby".  I'm pretty sure I conveyed pleasure, but really I was scared of the disconnection I was feeling.  I didn't take my eyes off her.  I tried take in each and everyone of her features, but couldn't seem to distinguish her from any other "someone else's baby" that I had held before.  Maybe it doesn't make since, but I was basically trying to recognize her as my baby.  And I couldn't.  Don't get me wrong, she is gorgeous.  Absolutely beautiful.  Perfect.  But, she wasn't mine.  I don't believe that it was me trying to protect myself from bonding.  I was fully prepared to bond.  I know it was the Lord guarding my heart.  Still, I wasn't ready to admit what I already knew.  We held BabyZ for hours in K's room.  We weren't allowed to take her to our room down the hall until I was "banded".  K had to give the hospital permission to give me a plastic band that had a number on it that would connect me to K and BabyZ.  We were only there for a few minutes before N brought up the band for the first time.  K ignored her.  She continued to do so until 3 p.m.  Again, this was not what we all had planned on in our meetings.  In fact, K had just said she wanted us to take BabyZ down to our room and care for her right before we got to the hospital.  During our stay in K's room we began to see a different side of K.  In our visits she was kind of shy and sweet.  That first day we watched her be the worst patient I have ever seen.  She was so rude to the hospital staff that were only trying to take care of her.  Almost every time N spoke to her she acted as if she were about to hyperventilate.  She was so hyper all the time.  I guess maybe agitated would be the right word.  I'm not sure.  Towards us she was indifferent.  She did continue to talk like she was going with adoption in front of us.  She even used the name we chose for BabyZ when we were around.  K was awake the whole time we were in her room, even though she hadn't slept all night and had just given birth.  She was so groggy, but she would not leave us alone with her baby.  We fed BabyZ every time she needed to be fed.  We changed her every time she need to be changed.  All under the watchful eye of K. 

3:00 P.M.

Finally, she consented to the banding.  When the nurse came in to start the process K had her eyes closed as if she was sleeping the whole time.  However, she answered the nurse's questions so she obviously wasn't.  After I got the band, she told us we could take BabyZ to our room.  She said she needed to sleep.  It was such a relief to be in our own space and on our own with her.  Right away I got some pictures of her and took a short video of her (which I will post tomorrow).  We fed her again.  She didn't know how to suck at first.  We had to move her chin up and down creating sucking motions for her.  It was awkward at first, but we got the hang of it.  She ate well for a very new newborn.  I believe the first time we fed her she took 15 ml.  She was easy to burp and didn't cry when she was hungry (or not for us anyway).  She would just start to "root" as my hubby calls it, or open her mouth and search for the nipple.  We fed her every 3 to 4 hours.  In fact she never cried for us until the pictures, but I will get to that in a second.  We held her constantly.  She was rarely in her crib when she was in our room.  Our room was two doors down from K's.  It was pretty large for a hospital room.  We had our own bathroom with a shower, a nice flat screen t.v., and a bed and couch that turned out into a bed.  It really was nice considering the situation.  The hospital staff were amazing with us.  I never could have dreamed that they would be so nice.  They treated us like we were patients, only VIP even.  The nurse that was assigned to K was also assigned to us.  Each shift change, that nurse would come in and introduce herself to us, ask us if there was anything she could get us or do for us, and offer her services for the remainder of her shift.  We couldn't ask for a better staff.  They made us feel at home (as much as one can in a hospital) and they each expressed to us their positive sentiments concerning our situation.  They and N made the ordeal bearable. 

7:00 P.M.

Our door opens and K walks in.  A nurse was hurrying to keep up behind her.  I was sitting on our couch holding BabyZ.  With arms held out and a scowl on her face, she wordlessly motioned for me to hand BabyZ over.  Now this is the same woman who was telling us how much she was hurting all day.  She practically stomped into our room.  No bending over or anything.  I complied and K was off with nurse and baby in tow.  My hubby shut the door behind them.  His eyes were wide with confusion.  There was no doubt in my mind though.  As soon as I saw K's eyes when she demanded her baby from me - I knew two things.  K would keep her all night and she would end up parenting.  I think that is when I started to shut down emotionally.  I cried and I don't think my hubby knew why.  He knew that what had just happened was off, but he hadn't seen what I saw.  It was a familiar look, only I had never seen it with such malice.  The look of a momma wanting her child back.  From one woman to another.  "Alright you've held my baby long enough, hand her over".  You wouldn't expect such things from a woman who planned to allow you to mother her child.  That's because the woman who planned to do that wouldn't. 

Well, I've been working on this post for hours now (in between eating and other distractions) and it's nearly midnight.  I'm going to have to make this a two parter I guess. 

To Be Continued....