I couldn't think of a title or even a picture to go with my post.  I've got too much going on in my brain.  Saturday was BirthMother's Day.  We don't have contact with Olive's birthmom.  I think about her all the time.  Most people tell me how it's a blessing that we don't have to be bothered with her.  How we don't have to worry about sharing Olive with her.  The thing is, I do.  In my heart I know that she is someone to Olive that I can never be.  God chose her dna to create Olive, not mine.  God chose her womb to carry Olive, not mine.  For all the mothering that I do with Olive, those special things can't be pushed aside.  I wonder about her pain.  Does she still cry at night when her family is fast asleep?  Did Christmas or Mother's Day nearly push her over the edge?  Does her final image of Olive haunt her dreams?  I know that's how I would feel.  This year was my first Mother's Day as a mother.  I woke up knowing that it wasn't going to make me feel anymore motherish than I already do.  The end of the day left me wondering what exactly the holiday was for.  I guess I figured once I was a mother that I would suddenly understand how Mother's Day is supposed to feel.  That was not the case.  I felt sympathy for those that I care about that are still waiting to be moms.  I felt sympathy for Olive's birthmom.  At no point did I feel some sort of magical mommy dust fall over me.  I did receive a beautiful card & gift from my hubby and Olive.  I really did appreciate them.  Perhaps I will understand better next year.  Tomorrow we go to court for Olive's finalization.  I'm going to be glad to finally have it all behind us.  We won't have to worry about visits or if the agency approves of just about everything we do with her.  We can just be a family.  Maybe we can finally be a family.  It's been difficult to let go of my grand expectations of the "happy little family" fantasy.  Seriously, there is no such thing.  But maybe we can begin to feel comfortable enough to be whatever it is God intends for us. 

7th Mother's Day

The picture is the front side of a card that DaySpring is selling among their Mother's Day cards. The card is for women who have a difficult time on the holiday. I think it is an awesome idea and a very nice thing for them to do. Click on the picture to have a closer look and order a box of 3 cards.



This year marks the 7th Mother's Day that I have endured since discovering my infertility. It never gets easier. I'm dreading it more than I can say. I wish it wasn't a negative day for me and so many others, but it is what it is. It's a day to celebrate women who are blessed enough to have children. We are women who can't have children. It's like a national holiday for people who can walk. People who can't - they would feel really bad. I'm not saying, "Let's do away with Mother's Day". I would not deny women who have been blessed with children their due recognition. All I'm saying is that it would be great if people would acknowledge that I (and others) have a fair and real reason to avoid the happy festivities of that day. As my Grandpa would say, "You can wish in one hand and spit in the other, see which one fills up first."
I am facing an opportunity to hopefully be a mother come August. However, I know that I will never be able to enjoy Mother's Day even if I do become a mother. I will never forget how it feels to be reminded of the sadness of infertility. For one thing I will never not be infertile. Infertility will be with me for the rest of my life. For another, I would never allow myself to forget the lessons I've learned from infertility. I've gained a great sense of empathy for others that are hurting. Not just from infertility, but from many other things as well. I'm amazed at the stories that others have shared when I mention that I can't have kids. People carry pain within them that they would never other wise speak of. They tell me in whispered voices and confidential emails. I could never betray that by pretending that I no longer have to worry about Mother's Day just because I became a mom.
Well, anyway.... If you know someone who might have a difficult time on Mother's Day due to infertility, infant/child loss, or loss of a mother or other female loved one - remember these things:

• Don't put them through a guilt trip for not coming to the church service, family gathering, or social party. They avoided it because they didn't want to cry through it as if it were a funeral.



• Don't give them a hard time about going into hiding on that day. They don't want to ruin it for everyone else by having a tantrum in the middle of the card isle at Walmart.



• Don't use the day as an opportunity to tell them to get over their pain. You might not live to see Monday.



• DO give them a break. DO pray for them. If you think you can do it tactfully, DO let them know that you are thinking about them. DO give them a shoulder to cry on if they burst into tears. DO support them if someone starts the DON'Ts in your presence.

Be aware of what other people are going through and put yourself in their shoes.