Sunday July 31 around 3:00 a.m.
Our room phone rang. My hubby answered since he was closest to it, and then handed it over to me. K was asking me to come get BabyZ. N had texted earlier and let us know that K planned to keep BabyZ with her for the night. So, I was pleasantly surprised at this development. We got up and hurried down the hall. When I entered her room I saw K holding a crying BabyZ in one hand and trying to fix her a bottle with the other. She told me that BabyZ was hungry but that she was so tired. I told her it was no problem and wheeled BabyZ away before she changed her mind. Back in our room I looked at her feeding chart (we had to keep a journal of when and how much she ate, and also wet & dirty diapers) and BabyZ hadn't eaten or had her diaper changed since 10:00 p.m. 5 hours ago! Also she was wearing a ducky sleeper and pink socks that obviously did not belong to the hospital. I was less than happy. We fed, burped, and changed her and settled in for a little more sleep. We took turns, starting with my hubby holding her for a little over an hour. Around 5 a.m. I took her so he could sleep. I sat in the hospital bed with her resting on my chest. This is the first time I can recall feeling something more than that initial "awe" feeling. For the first time she was all wide eyes. I looked at her and she looked at me. I knew I could love this baby.
6 a.m.
A nurse came in (they always politely knocked before entering) and said they needed to take some blood from BabyZ to check for a wide range of problems. I reluctantly handed her over. She was only gone for about 5 minutes. Then she back snug in my arms. My hubby was snoozing soundly so I continued to keep her. Maybe 15 minutes later another nurse came in and checked her belly ribbon. Belly ribbon = jaundice. The tool they use is so funny. It sort of looks like one of those new thermometers that you swipe across the fore head, only it has a suction cup on the end that glows red. The nurse explained to me that they like the reading to be 8 or under. BabyZ passed with a 7.1. I remember saying to her, "Alright you passed your first test". She smiled so I guess it was pretty funny.
7 a.m.
I was just finishing up feeding her again, when K came in. She apparently had an attack of manors because she knocked this time. She said that she was having pain in our chest (drs discovered that she has heart problems during her pregnancy with BabyZ) and was headed to another floor of the hospital to be checked by her heart doctor. She said she wanted to take BabyZ back to her room to spend a little more time with her before she moved and wouldn't be able to see her again that day. Once they were gone we got our showers and everything. My hubby went and got some breakfast for us from the cafeteria. Biscuits and gravy. I ate, but I didn't really want it. My stomach was tied up in knots. We didn't hear anything from K, or even about her for a while. N texted and said she would be there soon.
8:30 a.m.
N texted and said she was in the building, but that K was asking to talk with her. I'm not sure how long we waited to see N, maybe an hour. She came in and asked us how we were doing. We were physically and emotionally exhausted already and it was only Sunday. We still had at least two more days. Anyway, N told us that she had received a call from K that morning. K had told her that she had decided to parent and that she didn't want to see N or us anymore. But, when N got to the hospital a nurse told her that K was asking for her after all. N talked with her and K said that maybe she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. That was the first time she had ever expressed any indecision, before or after the birth. N had actually been on her way to break the news to us and safely remove us from the situation. Now, K was saying that she wasn't sure. That maybe she wanted to do adoption or maybe she wanted to parent. N said that she really couldn't say for sure which way she thought K was leaning. Because K continued to claim she was still considering adoption we felt that we had to continue with the process. We had to see it through. After a little more counsel, N returned to K's room. Oh, by the way - the whole thing about her chest hurting magically disappeared. She had never even alerted the nurses. The story about her moving rooms had never existed. However, she did convince her O.B. that she was in too much pain to go home. She managed to stay another day.
12:00 p.m.
We had both taken naps while we were waiting to hear something. We decided that we would go down to the cafeteria and have lunch. I texted N to let her know where we were going. When we got down there all I could order was a glass of tea. I just couldn't eat. While I was watching my hubby eat, N came over with a salad on her tray and asked if she could join us. She told us that K was still undecided. We talked about how we were feeling about the situation and what our options were again. N wanted us to know that we could leave the situation if we wanted since K was possibly reversing her plan. She said we could go home if we wanted to. But, neither of us was ready to give up hope. As N was finishing up her meal, K texted her and told her that she wanted to see me. Not us, but me. N asked me if I could handle going alone. I said that I guessed I could. When we got up to her room it turned out that all she wanted was for us to take BabyZ back to our room. She said that the photographer would be around to take her picture, and for reasons that I didn't yet understand she wanted the pictures to be taken in our room with her wearing clothes that we had brought.
The Pictures
We waited for another hour for the photographer to show up. We got a chance to feed and change her again. We discussed whether or not we would cloth her in one of our outfits. N told us that it was up to us. We still hadn't decided when the photographer arrived. She mentioned that some parents preferred skin shots. We thought that was a great idea. That way we weren't putting her in one of our outfits but she also wouldn't be wearing the plain, somewhat dingy looking onsie that K had put on her. It seemed to fit every angle, except for BabyK's. I believe I mentioned that she liked to be swaddled tight. She hated being unwrapped and in diaper only. The photographer was really good, but several times BabyK cried out (which was the first and only time she cried in our care). Suddenly, K came barreling through the doorway asking why her baby was crying. The photographer told her that most babies don't like their picture taken at first. That seemed to calm her down enough that she could go back to her room. Before she did, she said that she wanted all of us to come to her room to review the pictures. When the photographer was satisfied that she had enough shots, we redressed BabyK in her mother's onsie and started back down the hall with her. The photographer handed me a paper and said that we would need to follow certain protocol to be allowed to purchase or even view the pictures online. I handed the paper to N to study and she said she would take care of it. When we got to K's room we viewed the pictures and they were really cute. K didn't mention the fact that BabyZ was undressed so I guess it suited her. The photographer started to explain to K about ordering instructions and mentioned that we would need to do some thing before we could order ours. She was visibly shaken. Her plan had been for us to pay for one of the packages and then according to her we would divide up the pictures. She made it clear that she wanted her pictures today. With the process that we had to follow to have access to the pictures, it was going to be at least two days. She could have her pictures right away, but not through us. She sent us all out of the room, keeping BabyZ who had begun to cry while she was throwing her fit. I noted that she did not so much as look at BabyZ when she started to cry. Ironic huh. We stood in the hallway a minute and told N that we wouldn't be buying any of the pictures. The prices were too high and there was no way that we were buying K's pictures. N agreed. We walked back to our room. It was 3:00 p.m.
Raising Our White Flag- Sunday Evening
N left the hospital but kept in contact via text. She told us that some of K's family were visiting so we should steer clear of her room. We found out that K hadn't told most of her family and friends about the adoption - therefore not about us either. As the day had progressed, we became more and more aware that things were not going our way. I know that sounds silly. While I've been typing this I see that we were being really stupid. Of course it wasn't going our way. Of course she was going to parent. But, in that present we couldn't admit it anymore than she could. I think that we wanted to hold onto that false bit of hope so much. After all K was still saying that she wanted to continue with the adoption plan - maybe. But, her actions were without a doubt that of a woman who would parent. And I'm now sure that it was premeditated. Why else would she have brought baby clothes with her and picked out a name. I couldn't admit that someone could be so mean as to lead us on like that. For dinner, we made one of a series of decisions that was purely for our sanity. We went out to eat. I texted N and told her we were going out and she said she understand that we needed to get away from the hospital for a while. We ate at an Applebees. We didn't want to go back right away so we drove around. I was trying to call my mother. We had almost no cell signal in our room. Only enough to text and even then we had to stand with our hand against the window. I hadn't spoken to my parents or anyone else the whole time. I was eager to hear my mom's voice and hear words of comfort, however now my battery was dying. And of course the charger was in our room. Finally I threw my phone in the floor in frustration and started to wail. All the stress was leaking out. I told my hubby that I was starting to hate K. To my surprise he said "I know". I never know for sure how he is feeling or how much of a situation he is actually picking up on. I told him that I wasn't sure how long I could continue with the charade. Finally being somewhat on the outside looking in, the truth was becoming clear. As we passed by K's room on our way to ours, there were family or friends coming in and out and some huddled around her as she was sitting up in a chair. She was holding BabyZ to her chest. I can't swear to what I saw, but I am almost sure that K was breastfeeding. I practically ran to our room. When we were safe in side, my sister-in-law texted me and I told her things weren't going well. I told her that we wanted to come home. Her reply was that I should end my heartache. That affected me some much. It was like a much needed slap into reality. K was hurting us and with no thought to how it was affecting us and we were letting her. Again I cried, but this time it was my reaction to the dissolution of the fantasy that I had been holding on to. We decided that K could do as she liked, but that we would no longer be participants in her game. Our first move was not taking BabyZ that night. N texted me to let us know that K said she would be sending BabyZ down to us sometime that night. I was sick of being at K's beckon call. I was done letting K call all the shots. And I also had a horrible tension headache. I texted N back and asked her to tell K that she could keep BabyZ for the night. We had only spent two hours with her all day. It seemed to me that K just wanted a night time babysitter. I was preparing myself for letting go of BabyZ. I had carried that "not mine" feeling with me all along, but I had started to care for her very much. And we all know that I am in love with the idea of having a baby and being a mom. If K wasn't going to say what she really wanted to do, I was going to have to say it for her.
Monday Morning July 1
My alarm went off at 7:00, but we weren't in any hurry to get up. I crawled up into bed next hubby and we talked. We planned out how we were going to deal with the rest of the day. K was supposed to be facing discharge from the hospital, however I was betting she was figure out a way to remain again. Drag things out as long as possible. Our moves would be based on if she stayed or went. If K stayed we would go to a hotel. If she went home without baby we would stay. And of course if she decided to parent we would go home. As soon as N came in she told us that K had talked her O.B. into tying her tubes sometime that day. She had wanted him to do it right after the birth but her usual O.B. wasn't the doctor that did the delivery and the attending doctor wouldn't do the surgery. He told her that she would have to wait for a few weeks, but she some how got him to agree to do it Monday. She would have her surgery in the afternoon or evening. That's right, she was staying yet another day and night. We let N know that we would be going to a hotel for the night. It wasn't what we really wanted to do, but we felt like K was leaving us no choice. We had to do something. As long as K was in the building we would not be bonding with BabyZ. Confident in our plan we went downstairs to get some breakfast. We thought that we should wait to see if K went through with the tubal before we packed all our stuff and left. So, we napped for a while and watched t.v.
11:00 a.m.
N came in to talk to us. She said that K still wasn't committing to an answer. Then she reminded us of something that we had forgot to consider. The law says that K has to wait 72 hours to sign surrenders. But, she doesn't have to sign. She could have longer if she wanted. We didn't need any time to discuss what we would do in that situation. There was no way we could consider taking BabyZ home without surrenders. If K had been leaning more towards adoption, it may have been different. If she hadn't manipulated and lied it may have been different. But she had totally lost all our trust and respect. The thought of taking BabyZ home and K deciding to parent was more than we could bare. We didn't want to put anyone through that. Us, BabyZ, or N. We agreed that if K intended to drag this out beyond Tuesday morning, then she would have to take BabyZ home without signing or BabyZ would have to be placed in foster care until K made up her mind (that's the policy). We prayed for BabyZ's sake that she would just admit that she was parenting before that had to happen. I had to keep reminding myself that K was doing this to all of us. That we were simply trying to survive at this point. N also told us that K was now saying the birthdad was someone else. Someone other than the man she named before. That just sealed it for us. We know a family that had a placement. The birthmom lied about who the birthdad was and after bonding with the baby for a month our agency had to take him away from our friends. As my hubby would say, that would destroy me.
Goodbye
After N was finished talking to us we decided that we wanted to see BabyZ one last time. Luckily she was in the nursery and K was sleeping in her room. We scrubbed up and put on those gowns that look like toilet paper. BabyZ had her own little cubby with a rocking chair and a swivel chair. The rest of the small space was occupied by machinery used for preemie babies. Hubby held her first. I watched as he smiled and cooed over her. He has an amazing father instinct. I noticed on the feeding chart that there was erasing and pen scribbles all over the line where her name goes. We knew that K had been changing the name all over the place. K used our name when we were around. But, she had used her first name and our first name as BabyZ's middle name on the first draft of the birth certificate. Once we realized the truth, it made me really angry that she used our name. The first name that we chose was a version of my Grandmother's name. She was really special to me. I was sarcastically amused and also relieved when I saw on her feeding chart that K had finally written down the name that she intended to use all along. The first name started with a Z and the middle name with a G - but I can't feel confident in pronouncing either of them. Let me say, though, that they were two very large names for such a tiny baby. Well, anyway, when hubby was done holding her he asked me if I wanted a turn. I had previously told him that I didn't want to hold her. When he offered her to me, however, I had to take her one last time. She was so peaceful and content. Not at all like the crazy situation that surrounded her. I was sitting in the rocker, however I refused to let myself rock her. All weekend neither of us called her by the first name we had picked. We also didn't call each other mom or dad either. And I didn't sing to her. That's kind of my thing. I did, in that moment, hold her against my chest again just like I had that first night. For one more minute I could pretend that she was mine. That things were finally going to be right. For 8 years I have waited to prove that nurse wrong. The one that told me just after my surgery that I wouldn't be able to have children. For 8 years I have craved the very thing I couldn't have. All the struggling, tears, arguing, and money had come down to this one tiny little girl - and I had to place her back in that crib and let go. Again, I stood there with my hand on her blanket just like when I first saw her. I'm not sure when it started but before I knew it I was weeping into my hubby silly thin gown. I couldn't believe that I had to walk away from her. But, after some kind words from a nurse and one last look - we did. We removed our gowns and walked out. We went back to our room and packed our things. I texted N that we were going out to lunch and then to walk around at the mall. I let a nurse at the front desk know that we would be out for a while and we left.
5:00 p.m.
N had texted me that she was back at the hospital. She wanted to talk to us one more time before we all left for the day. We drove back to the hospital. N told us that K was in her surgery. She said that she told K about our plan to get a hotel and that she had seemed agitated about it but also she said she understood that this was difficult on us too. I seriously doubt she meant it. We talked with N in our room for a while. N was hoping to get to talk with K before she (N) went home. I really don't know if she ever did. We left for our hotel around 6:30. We stayed at a Comfort Inn and it was really very nice. We splurged and requested a jacuzzi room. We figured we deserved it. We had pizza delivered and we relaxed in the tub. We went to bed early. Being in that hospital had been exhausting.
Tuesday July 2 @ 7:00 a.m.
We woke up to nervous stomachs, although my hubby was still able to scarf down some cereal from the continental breakfast. We showered and dressed and I repacked our things for the final time. We spooned on the bed watching t.v. I'm not sure we said more than 10 words to each other all morning.
9:18 a.m.
My phone rings and it is N's ringtone. I answer and as soon as N spoke I knew. She sounded so mournful even though she was only asking me how we were doing. I wanted to hang up, but I listened to everything she had to say. It was a really short simple sentence. "K is going to parent". Finally, there it was. The truth that everyone has been avoiding but knew existed. All I could say was okay. Hubby wouldn't let me wait to tell him. I covered the hearing end and told him that she was parenting. He threw up his hands and went to vent on the other side of the room. N told me how sorry she was and mentioned that the agency offered counseling. I told her that we appreciated everything she had done for us. She said she would be checking on us later. I hung up.
Overwhelming sadness mixed with relief that it was over. I made my hubby remove the band from my arm. He flung it into the trash can. We hugged for a few minutes, then grabbed our bags and checked out.
The Drive Home
On the way home I texted our friends and family that had been following the saga. And all the way home my phone beeped with messages of sympathy and support. We were already healing on our drive. Hubby would say something like, "It's probably for the best" and I would realize something that had happened that assured me he was right. As we talked, all the pieces of the weekend seemed to come together. We could plainly see that K had never really wanted to place with us. Maybe even from the beginning. Still, we agreed that we were glad to have met BabyZ. We were glad that we got the privilege to care for her during her first days of life. Even though she will never know us, we will remember her and we will pray for her everyday.
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