And Life Goes On

I received this package this morning in my mailbox.  I signed up for the free sample weeks and weeks ago.  I almost left it in the box rather than bring it in.  I didn't figure the mail guy would send it back though.  It's so annoying when things you send for actually show up.

Yesterday I helped my parents put away several of the large baby things into a storage unit (along with a bunch of other stuff that belong them). 

Everything is going back to the way it was.  Back to waiting and hoping.  Dreaming and wondering.  As if the moment had never existed.  Everyday there is a glimpse of a memory, and then I wonder if it really happened or not.  Did I really hold her?  Were we really matched?  Was it all a cruel fantasy?  I'm so glad that I go the pictures that I did so that I have proof.  I've been watching the video everyday and wishing that I had taken more. 

A New Year

I've been doing pretty good this holiday. We celebrated Christmas just the two of us. We had a lazy, pajama wearing, movie watching, junk food eating day on Christmas day. I worked on and off through out the preparation time and we spent New Years Eve as we usually do - sleeping- since he had to work the next day. Those pigs don't much care what day it is. So, this year I thought that I had avoided the holiday blues - until today. I'm not sure if it is a delayed reaction, a result of a change in medication (we no longer have pharmacy coverage), or due to today's sermon on faith; but I'm feeling pretty yucky about life. Maybe it is from holding my friend's two day old baby last night. It's the same old thing: wondering if we will ever be parents, wondering if God even wants us to have children.... so on and so forth. I'm so tired of this game. I can't believe that we have been at this for 28 months. Been wanting what we can't have for 7 years. Been desiring children with my husband for 10+ years. I'm just so tired. I don't want to want it anymore. The harder I pray, the more I desire, the better I get at pretending..... None of it gets me anywhere. True, I'll probably feel better in a few days. I'll have some kind of renewed hope and faith and I'll feel regret for these thoughts of pity that I'm having, but I can't help having them. I wish I didn't need to have them, but I guess I do.

Trip to Chicago

My Mom and I took a trip to Chicago for Christmas. I was so excited about going to Bloomingdale's and this is their Christmas tree. It was even bigger than it looks. We had a great time! We shopped, took taxis, stayed in a fancy hotel, ate fancy food, and road a train there and back. We saw a rock opra called Handel's Messiah Rocks. It was really good. We got all dressed up and drank wine & champagne. We lived it up for just over 24 hours.

Hello There

Man, it's been way too long since I blogged anything substantial. I've missed it. We are still without Internet at home, and it turns out that having it turned off was a very good move for us. Well.... first let me address my last post. We had the opportunity to adopt a seven year old boy. But, he went to live with another wonderful family instead. Two days later my hubby lost his job. So, of course - God knows exactly what He is doing. My husband had worked for the same corporation for almost 13 years. To put it simply, he was making too much money. They fired him, and hired someone else to do his job for half the money. No doubt half the skill too, but it's the bottom line you know. He was devastated and I was beyond afraid. But, we have been making do. He went on unemployment, but we have yet to see any of that money. He was given a severance and we've been living off of that and my check. I've been working as much as I can. My co-workers have even given me some of their hours. Actually, it has been a fairly positive experience. We've enjoyed having more time together and he seems to have had a load lifted from him. I didn't realize how unhappy he was at his previous job until it was gone. He is so much lighter. He is free. He has been hard at work trying to find another job. He found one through a temp agency at a factory. But then a hog farm he had applied at called him Monday. He is really enjoying it. He loves animals and being outside. It's amazing to see him satisfied with his work. No, he isn't making nearly as much as he was but I know that everything will fine. We celebrated our 1oth anniversary last week. Well, we didn't really do anything to celebrate, but you know what I mean. Things are not what I imagined they would be 10 years ago. I thought we would have children. I thought we would be financially stable and beyond that, very comfortable. I thought I would be a stay-at-home mother. God says, "My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways." (Isaiah 55:8) and He has been reminding me of that often. He follows that up with, "I have awesome plans for your future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Autumn

I love autumn. I love the colors, the decorations, and the change in weather.

Some updates on my life:

• I'm really enjoying my daycare job. I've never fully enjoyed a job before - so it's nice. I'm usually getting two days a week. I'm scheduled for Mondays and I've been filling in for the other ladies.
• I had a car accident. Basically I hit an illegally parked car. Yes, it was mostly my fault but I have never seen a car parked there before. Everybody in town knows you don't park there. We both got fined - which is where most of my second check went to. Praise the Lord that I had that extra income to pay it. Oh, and no one was hurt.
• I've been missing my Internet a little, but not as much as I thought I would. I've been busy with work and my house. My husband's half sister visited us for a few days. She lives in Arizona.

Well, I guess that's all that has been going on with me. Of course I'm still hoping and praying that our baby is home with us soon. [sigh] Sometimes I wonder how I can miss someone that I've never even met yet, but I do. Hey - that's like a movie quote isn't it?

Butter Y'all

I love Paula Deen! She is so awesome! Click on the pic to visit her website.

Bless her southern heart, she has a canning how-to on her website (Home Canning 101). Both of Grandmothers canned food. I remember thinking that it was really a dumb waste of time. Why not just go to the store and by a bunch of canned food? But, as an adult I can appreciate the goodness of something that takes time, hard work, and love. Oh, how I wish that I had learned from them. Not just about canning, but about many other things too. My Dad's parents were married for 10 years before he came along. Which means that my Grandmother struggled with infertility. Yes, there could have been male factor too - my Grandfather was over weight and not exactly healthy. But, my Grandmother nearly died giving birth to my Dad. There is a pretty good chance that she had what I have (a unicornuate uterus). How did she handle dealing with infertility? How did he? What was it like for her when she did conceive, carry, and deliver a baby? Things that I wish I had asked her. I suppose I can guess. I'm sure she handled infertility much better than I have. I mean, I even know what my issues are. She didn't. She must have prayed for a child so hard. I know I haven't prayed nearly hard enough. She held so much wisdom that I never cared to tap into. I would give about anything to spend just a few more minutes with her. For my sake of course, she is in the perfect place. The knowledge of years lived and hard work done with so much love is lost. I let it go. But, there is hope. More than ever, I realize that I have to give my child/children the tools that I should have learned from her. I have to learn them myself. I am now learning many life lessons that will stay with me forever. Soon I will learn to can food so that I can teach my child to do it too. I know she would want me to and that's the best thing I can do to honor the gift that she was in my life.