Time

They always say it.  Time flies.  Especially when it comes to your children.  I guess I would say that it is true.  Most days I feel like I'm just trying to get through to the next.  And then the next.  Everyone says that I should enjoy every moment of Olive's babyhood while it lasts.  But it is hard to do that when you are living so in the present. 
Olive is 10 weeks old now.  Everyday she is learning and changing.  Just when I think I have her figured out, I don't.  Just when I think we are settling into some routine, we aren't.  She was sleeping pretty much through the night, and then she wasn't (isn't).  She is holding her head up really well.  She has had a strong neck from the beginning.  She is even sitting up (with some assistance) for a few seconds to a minute before laying back against one of us.  She is putting both hands up to her mouth.  She is very alert.  Turning her head from side to side with ease.  She smiles on purpose.  Once she laughed out loud.  Last night she very deliberately reached up and pulled her pacifier out of her mouth and then held onto it for several minutes.  For Christmas we got her an excersauser and she loves it. 
Speaking of Christmas; for the past several holiday seasons I have been sort of scroogy.  Christmas is hard for an infertile woman waiting to be a mother.  This year..... well it has been different.  I haven't really been more joyful but I suppose less sour.  The fact is that Olive is too young to enjoy the holiday and I have a heavy heart for all those that are still waiting for their miracle.  So, I am still holding my breath and wishing that it were over already. 
For the New Year I plan to make a few resolutions, which is unusual for me. 

1. Take more time to blog.... some how.
2. Take more time to enjoy my new family of three. 
3. Commit to spending more time in my marriage. 
4. Give the Lord the portion of time that He requires of me everyday.
5. Learn to manage my time.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Bad Girls of the Bible

click on the pic to order the book from amazon.com

Some ladies at my church started this study and I've been going. We are on chapter three.
So far, I'm really enjoying it. I think that God did include in the Bible people's mistakes so that we can learn from them. So that we can know what not to do. I also think that we (christian women) should share our mistakes so that others can learn from them and realize that everybody messes up. I scan a lot of blogs and sometimes it seems like everybody else has it all together perfectly. Well, never let it be said that I am one of those. I seriously mess up in being a christian woman and wife on a daily basis. For example, just tonight I told my husband to shut up and then I accidentally said a curse word later on. I am not blameless. But, I am forgiven. It is sometimes an hourly struggle to "be not conformed to the world"-Romans 12:2 but it helps to know that I am not alone.

Drip...Drip...Drip

"A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike."

Proverbs 27:15 NASB

Contentious- exhibiting an often perverse and wearisome tendency to quarrels and disputes.

First things first: I have to make a public apology to my Husband for being this woman. I have been the major contributor of the heartache in our relationship for some time now. Honey, I am so sorry.

You wouldn't believe how discontent I have been lately. Or, maybe you would. I have been so full of myself. The anger raging inside of me over how unfair my life is has been killing my marriage.

I've read Proverbs 27:15 before and I always thought it just meant that a nagging woman was annoying (which is true). Today I read it again and wondered why God was "highlighting" it for me. The last couple of days I have realized that God wants me to do something. Something really hard. He wants me to move on. I so don't want life to go on until I'm a mother. But, God wants me to get on with life. He isn't going to leave me alone until I do, and it has been making me act like a child. A brat really. As we often do now-a-days, my husband and I got into a fight tonight. When it was over, I was wondering how we had come to this place. A place of such ugliness. I finally decided to be still and listen to what God had to say to me. And I realized what that verse really means.

A few weeks ago we started to notice leaking stains on our bathroom ceiling. While they were waiting for my husband to get some time to fix the problem, they got bigger and darker. He did eventually fix it. But, if he hadn't I know that several other bad things would have resulted. The dripping would have begun in the house. Causing the floor to become warped. Causing the wood to wrought. Which would eventually cause mold. Then one day the ceiling and the floor would give way. There would be huge holes.

This was what I was causing in our marriage. I was causing structural problems in the foundation of our relationship. I wish that I could take it all back. But, all I could do was say I was sorry and commit to God and my husband that I will seek Jesus every day. Every second if necessary. I don't know how to be a good wife, or even a good person. But, He can help me to be someone that I'm not. Please pray for me as I strive to be worth more than jewels (Proverbs 31:19).

My first ICLW

Those of you who read my blog and don't know what ICLW is, you can find out more about it by using the dark blue link at the top under my ticker.

This is my first ICLW. I've wanted to do it several times before, but I always seemed to miss the sign up date. I'm pretty excited to see so many people visiting my blog and to read the blogs of others who are going through some of the same kinds of things that I am. So, I'm going to get to the run down.

• Begin TTC Summer 2003.
• Surgery to remove ovarian cysts November 2003. Dr. discovers unicornuate uterus.
• Shortly after surgery I am officially dx with UU, PCOS, & incompetent cervix by a RE.
• We discuss our options and decide not to have treatments & hubby isn't ready for adoption. After a year of TTC I am already done. Begin to come to terms with being a family of two. 2004
• Feb. 2006 private adoption attempt. I wasn't ready.
• Oct. 2007 private adoption attempt - failed. It was a girl, but finally we were both ready.
• Jan. 2008 begin looking into agencies.
• Feb. 2008 we met with our chosen agency.
• Aug. 2008 we are homestudy approved & waiting!
• We have several possible situations. We decide to be open to all races.
• Aug. 2009 One year waiting and I have a small breakdown. Really couldn't believe that it was taking so long.
• March 2010 A birthmom picks our profile, but chooses another couple. In the end she decided to parent anyway.
• July 2010 We are #4 on the list. We've been waiting 23 months. I'm dreading our 2 year anniversary next month.

If you want to read more about my journey you can visit my old blog and my adoption blog (only about adoption) .

A few things about me:

• I'll soon be 29.
• Be married for 10 years in November.
• I like to read, bake, clean, and blog.
• My favorite color is orange.
• I'm a born again christian, stay at home wife, and a maker of lists.

Please, Come visit me again or "Follow" me!

A Series

I've been reading through this series of posts. Here's a small quote from Part 11.

"Home should be the hub of excitement--where great plans and great lives are molded, where hospitality and ministry takes place. We do not need a church program to do ministry--instead we need to view our homes as a focal point for ministry to begin at. Are our homes perfect? Certainly not--a home filled with sinners will contain sin! Mercy, grace and forgiveness are common visitors at our home. A home of imperfect sinners will learn to rely heavily, humbly and wholeheartedly on it's Savior. "

A Me Calling

Yesterday we had two men from our church fill in at the pulpit for our pastor. He had been unexpectedly called away. The one who did the morning service said something that I've been thinking about every since. He said, "God has called me to be who I am" - or something to that affect. God called me to be me. I can't pretend to be someone else, or something that I'm not. I try very hard to make other people happy. Then, when others are displeased with me - I have much anxiety over it. Recently I chose to get a job outside of my home to try and help with our complicated financial situation. After two weeks at the job, I also chose to quit. It was the worst job I've ever had. True, I've not had that many jobs. However, when I did work- I was committed to the job until I was free to move on. I've been giving people all kinds of excuses as to why I quit. And in my mind they are all good reasons too. The biggest reason why I quit, and I haven't mentioned it much because most people wouldn't understand, is that things were not being done around our home that had to be done. Important things, even by most people's standards. Anyway, I really shouldn't care what other's think. I shouldn't be frustrated when I receive that judgemental, "Oh, she's one of those non-working types" look. I'm a wife. That's who I am. That's who I've been for almost 10 years. And yes, that is who I believe I am called to be. I hope to be called to be a mother one day too, but if not - no matter what, I am always going to be a wife. Some women believe that they can do it all. Perhaps it is possible. But, that is not who I am and I do not believe that is what God has asked of me. I have priorities and I am comfortable with them. God, Husband, Home, Family, and Me. I strive to make choices that implement my priorities. Do you see a need for a huge, fancy home with expensive things in that list? I don't. I've never put money anywhere near the list of things that are important to me. If that makes people feel annoyed or even angry with me, well then I guess I have to learn to deal with that. I do not intend to ever try to work a full time job again. I do not intend to go to college. I do not intend to be someone other than me.