1 Year Ago

Yesterday (the 30th) BabyZ turned 1.  I couldn't help but think of her.  I pray for her all the time.  That she would be well taken care of and that the Lord would be with her through out her life.  I've also been thinking about how quickly life can change.  A year ago we were hulled up in a hospital room feeling very confused and defeated.  When we returned home without BabyZ I did not want to continue with adoption.  The process had been lost on me.  A few days later we decided that we would continue, but to be honest I didn't think we would make it much longer.  We had seen one of the many dark sides of adoption.  If someone had told me that almost exactly two months later I would be bringing home a different little girl, MY little girl - I wouldn't have believed it possible.  I think I felt like adoption was against me.  That I would never reach the other side.  Little more than a month after BabyZ was born - we rushed to another hospital to meet yet another little girl.  A very sick little girl.  Again we understood that adoption is not as beautiful as they say.  The miracle that she is, Isabella Grayce is still fighting for her life but also filling the hearts of her adoptive family.  Her adoptive mommy is gracious enough to let me stay updated on her via facebook.  When we had to leave her in that hospital NICU I doubted that she would make it through the night.  Her doctors have said that she won't make it to her first birthday.  But, the Lord continues to breath life into her and she continues to bless the hearts of many.  I pray for her all the time as well, even though I don't feel worthy to do so.  Our brief experiences with those two girls were, in a way, preparation for Olive.  When we first brought her home I thanked God daily for her health and I still know that I will never take it for granted.  Not knowing Olive's birthmom has been difficult but I think I'm starting to accept that the way it happened was best and that I can make sure Olive knows about her even if I don't have contact with her.  A year later, I look back on all of it and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I know our three years of waiting was something that we needed to go through.  We had to wait for Olive to be born.  As we approach her first birthday in October I can barely remember what life was like without her.  What a difference a year can make.  You never know what a year might bring.

I couldn't think of a title or even a picture to go with my post.  I've got too much going on in my brain.  Saturday was BirthMother's Day.  We don't have contact with Olive's birthmom.  I think about her all the time.  Most people tell me how it's a blessing that we don't have to be bothered with her.  How we don't have to worry about sharing Olive with her.  The thing is, I do.  In my heart I know that she is someone to Olive that I can never be.  God chose her dna to create Olive, not mine.  God chose her womb to carry Olive, not mine.  For all the mothering that I do with Olive, those special things can't be pushed aside.  I wonder about her pain.  Does she still cry at night when her family is fast asleep?  Did Christmas or Mother's Day nearly push her over the edge?  Does her final image of Olive haunt her dreams?  I know that's how I would feel.  This year was my first Mother's Day as a mother.  I woke up knowing that it wasn't going to make me feel anymore motherish than I already do.  The end of the day left me wondering what exactly the holiday was for.  I guess I figured once I was a mother that I would suddenly understand how Mother's Day is supposed to feel.  That was not the case.  I felt sympathy for those that I care about that are still waiting to be moms.  I felt sympathy for Olive's birthmom.  At no point did I feel some sort of magical mommy dust fall over me.  I did receive a beautiful card & gift from my hubby and Olive.  I really did appreciate them.  Perhaps I will understand better next year.  Tomorrow we go to court for Olive's finalization.  I'm going to be glad to finally have it all behind us.  We won't have to worry about visits or if the agency approves of just about everything we do with her.  We can just be a family.  Maybe we can finally be a family.  It's been difficult to let go of my grand expectations of the "happy little family" fantasy.  Seriously, there is no such thing.  But maybe we can begin to feel comfortable enough to be whatever it is God intends for us. 

Time

They always say it.  Time flies.  Especially when it comes to your children.  I guess I would say that it is true.  Most days I feel like I'm just trying to get through to the next.  And then the next.  Everyone says that I should enjoy every moment of Olive's babyhood while it lasts.  But it is hard to do that when you are living so in the present. 
Olive is 10 weeks old now.  Everyday she is learning and changing.  Just when I think I have her figured out, I don't.  Just when I think we are settling into some routine, we aren't.  She was sleeping pretty much through the night, and then she wasn't (isn't).  She is holding her head up really well.  She has had a strong neck from the beginning.  She is even sitting up (with some assistance) for a few seconds to a minute before laying back against one of us.  She is putting both hands up to her mouth.  She is very alert.  Turning her head from side to side with ease.  She smiles on purpose.  Once she laughed out loud.  Last night she very deliberately reached up and pulled her pacifier out of her mouth and then held onto it for several minutes.  For Christmas we got her an excersauser and she loves it. 
Speaking of Christmas; for the past several holiday seasons I have been sort of scroogy.  Christmas is hard for an infertile woman waiting to be a mother.  This year..... well it has been different.  I haven't really been more joyful but I suppose less sour.  The fact is that Olive is too young to enjoy the holiday and I have a heavy heart for all those that are still waiting for their miracle.  So, I am still holding my breath and wishing that it were over already. 
For the New Year I plan to make a few resolutions, which is unusual for me. 

1. Take more time to blog.... some how.
2. Take more time to enjoy my new family of three. 
3. Commit to spending more time in my marriage. 
4. Give the Lord the portion of time that He requires of me everyday.
5. Learn to manage my time.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

The Beauty of Lessons Learned

One week since we said goodbye and three years since we started.  I've had no choice but to learn some lessons.  Lessons in hope & faith.  I've seen my marriage suffer & grow.  I have felt absolute peace and supreme sorrow.  Both in just one small week, and overall in the expanse of three years. 

We decided this weekend that we would continue with Domestic Infant Adoption.  As much as a part of me wants to pursue other avenues to feel as if I'm being proactive, we are going to be still and know that He is God.  We agree that it continues to be His plan for us.  So, we follow Him down the path that he is leading us, after our short, blessed detour with BabyZ.

Some other things that I've learned that might be helpful to others:

•  Over the years I've collected baby things in neutral colors, but when we knew we were getting a girl the last thing I wanted was yellow & green stuff.  Had she been a he it might have been different (but I doubt it).  I am not a materialistic person so it really shocked me that I had a terrible desire to have pink, girly things for her - but I did.  While my mother was happy to provide me with all of the pink stuff I could stand, not everyone has that luxury.  If you think that you are doing yourself a favor by buying a ton of gender neutral baby stuff while your waiting for your match, consider the possibility that you might want specific stuff later. 
• Which brings me to my next lesson learned- upon a match (but not certain placement) keep the buying to a minimum.  Both yourself and family & friends.  I have a room full of pink baby stuff right now, and no baby.  In fact, so does my mother.  One of her closets is full of girl clothes from sizes preemie to 24 mos.  I have stuff that people made us for her, and even stuff with the name we picked.  We may never put any of it to use.  It's just sitting in the other room mocking me or taking up space in my mother's home.  Some day soon, I'm going to have to open the door on our babyroom and put all of that stuff away.  It's going to be torture. 
• Social workers are way underpaid and under valued.  At least the good ones anyway.  We are so fortunate to have a good one. 
• Don't kid yourself.  I knew things were fishy way before BabyZ was born, but I didn't want to really admit it.  Trust your instincts and don't trust strangers just because they are offering you their baby. 
• I knew this could happen and I actually thought I could be prepared for it emotionally.  There is no way to prepare for loss. NO WAY!
• When you are facing an emergency placement, and lets face it - all waiting DIA parents could be, have a plan before hand. 

1. Have a list of things you need to pack.  As detailed as you can get it.  Your brain isn't working when you get that call to come collect your baby at 3:00 a.m. 
2. Have a standing arrangement with someone to take care of things while you are gone.  Your pets, your other children, your home, your mail - whatever you know you couldn't leave without someone looking after. 
3. Have some money saved just for the occasion.  Of course it depends on how long you have to stay away.  I would recommend planning for $100 for every night you stay in a hotel because you never know what the rates are going to be.  If you think you might get stuck staying during a weekend or holiday then you might want to make it $150 or more.  Also, plan for meals.  We ate in the cafeteria while we stayed at the hospital, but we still spent around $15 a meal.  If your eating out then it would be $20 or more every meal.  And theres cash for vending machine snacks. 
4. Have a baby bag prepared.  For me, a regular diaper bag just wasn't big enough to hold all of the stuff that I wanted to take for caring for BabyZ for three days. 
5. Have an electronics bag & list ready.  Cameras, laptops, phones, whatever & their chargers. 
6. Have all of your paperwork organized and in one place so you can just grab it and go.

• Don't tell everyone you know about your match.  Your happy & excited, but that may not always be the case.  Birthmom can and may change her mind at any point in the process before surrenders are signed.  It's impossible to un-tell. 

 

Be Still

Visit Sarah's Laughter for christian support for Infertility & Child Loss.

I receive their daily devotionals via email.  Here's an excerpt from today's devotional:

"Be still and know that God is God. Be still and rest in the knowledge that He loves you and has a magnificent plan. Let your heart be still and know that God knows your desire for a baby. Be still and know that He can heal your body of the diseases that hinder reproduction. Be still and know that the God of the universe chooses to be involved in your life, even through the struggle with infertility. You don’t have to panic even when life doesn’t pan out the way you dreamed it would because God is still God and He is with us as our stronghold." 

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

On The Road Again

Tuesday morning I decided to head out on the road with my hubby. It was literally a last minute descion on both our parts. When he first started his job, about two months ago, he was told that no one was allowed to even ride in his company truck much less go on the road with him. However, recently he was told that he actually was allowed to have "ride alongs" (as if he were a cope or something) occasionally. Well, I've been so preoccupied about the baby I felt that I couldn't possibly be so far away from the hospital that she is being delivered in. So, I hadn't gone with him at all. Well, with the news we got on Monday I really wanted to be near my hubby and I figured I could use the time away from everything. Maybe, if only for a day, I could relax and focus on something else. Like the open road. We started out early on Tuesday morning, but not as early as he would've liked. By the time we decided that I could and should indeed come with him he was all ready to go and I was still in my pjs. So, I made him a little late. But, it was still early for me. I am not a morning person. Which is why I slept part of the way to our first location. Basically what my husband does is this: He installs and repairs monitoring systems on farm chemical tanks. Some jobs take only a few minutes, other take hours. The sites tend to be very rural, not always but most of the time. It was a pleasant surprise when I could get a decent cell phone signal to text or web. So, I spent a lot of time sitting in his company truck watching him work. There was a few things I could help him out with. Mainly paperwork and working his gps. Thankfully, I had picked up a book and my mp3 before we left the house. I also did a lot of napping. Overall, I ended up staying out with him for three days. We just got home a few hours ago (It is now nearly 11:00 p.m.). I had a lot of time to myself in his truck to think and pray. I came to the conclusion that whatever God has in store for us concerning this baby, I can deal with it. If Kmom changes her mind, then it's ok. If she places with us, then great. If we have to go around and around, back and forth for the next 5 weeks - then so be it. I have had almost 8 years to become comfortable with having hope & faith in God where my motherhood is concerned, and I can do this. All of the struggling and heartache as brought me to this point. I am so close to being a mother, but If God has brought me here so that He can let it be taken from me.... then I will cry and be sad, but it's not the end of the world. I have so much in my life. A wonderful husband, an amazing family ( my parents, my brother & his family, grandparents), and I have a future. Baby or not. I'm going to be fine. It is going to be okay.

Update: Monday evening N called me and told me that Kmom's doctor had confirmed that there never was an inducement date. Furthermore, Kmom was only 35 weeks along. We will probably never know the reason for the confusion (or deception if that is the case). N still tells me that Kmom is committed to placing with us. However, we have our doubts (and rightly so). In any case, we are determined to see this through to whatever end. Please keep us in your prayers.

Non-Stop Change

The past 14 months has been one episode of change after another. Some good changes, some not so good - but they've come none-the-less. Last Spring we nearly lost our house. Our "fixed" mortgage went sky high due to a mistake in our agreement with our mortgage company. We got way behind. We tried everything to attempt to make it cheaper again, but in the end there was nothing we could do. We had to make the costly payments until December 2010. We depleted what little we had saved for future adoption fees, we gave up several conveniences, and sacrificed a lot to keep from being homeless. January's bill came and it was so sweet to see that lower payment again! I went through a lot of heartache considering the adoption. Waiting is torment. At times I felt like maybe we should stop the adoption or move onto to something else. I just wanted so badly to be doing something other than waiting. A scripture kept filtering through, "Be still and know that I AM God". I would hear it all the time. In church sermons, in songs, in my dreams. Over and over I didn't want to understand it. A few months ago we watched the new version of the Karate Kid and in one scene the couch tells the kid, "Being still and doing nothing are two different things". That struck me really big. God wasn't asking me to do nothing so I could sit around a be miserable. He wanted me to be still and believe that He would take care of everything. Just a few weeks ago we were matched with a bmom. She is everything that I had hoped our bmom would be. Come August, hopefully, we will be parents. Last October my husband was fired from the company that he devoted himself to for 12 and a half years. He was devastated. His pride took a big blow. Being the awesome man that he is he was only unemployed for three weeks, but taking such a cut in pay and respect was very difficult for him. He began working for a hog farm. I hadn't noticed how stressful his previous job had been on him. With this new job he seemed like a load had been lifted off him. Our already strained financial situation got worse, but he was free from the burdens of that previous job. What seemed like a horrible thing, I can now see that it was a huge blessing. I started working at a daycare in August 2010. Before he lost his job. Mostly just to help out with things. But I soon realized that it was a foreshadowing of what was to come. When he didn't have a job, I did. My pay checks paid whole bills. The two wonderful women that I work for were so supportive and understanding of my situation. A coworker even let me have her hours a few times so that I could make more money. I am so thankfully that the Lord gave me that job. A few weeks ago we heard about a job opportunity and I sent them his resume. Last Wednesday the hog farm let him go. The very next morning he was hired by the new company. He started Monday. He is making more money and better benefits than his old long-time job. It is difficult because he has to be away, but I am so, so proud of him! He is devoted to working hard to provide for his family (me). He is the most amazing man! I thank God every day for giving me to him. As I said, he has to be gone some, so I am learning to be strong in holding down our fort so-to-speak. He is texting and calling me often. It is going to be super sweet to have him all to myself this weekend. My hours are being cut at the daycare for the summer due to their college employees being available full time. So, I will have the time to take care of everything going on here at home and I can meet up with him when he has to be away. When peanut comes along he/she can go too. If I am a mommy come August, then I will not be returning to work.

We've had a lot of years of nothing new. Recently, nothing stays the same. I guess it's God's way of keeping us from getting bored or too comfortable.

Forgiveness

I mentioned before that I've been participating in a study of the book Bad Girl's of The Bible every Wednesday night. Tonight the topic of Forgiveness was mentioned and the gears in my head started turning. I wondered why it is so hard for people to forgive one another.
I confess that there are people in my past and present that I haven't forgiven yet. Without naming names I'll give some examples. When I was a kid and on into my teenage years and adulthood there was a man who did things that made me feel very uncomfortable. I'm not talking about actual abuse, but inappropriate gestures that molded the way I felt about my body and my awareness of how it might affect boys & men. I despised him. He is dead now, but I know I haven't forgiven him for the way he treated me. There is a woman in my life that tries to insert herself between my husband and I. There was a man who attacked me and said that if I ever became one, I would be a bad mom. I don't dwell on these things on a daily basis, but when they do come to mind - there is a darkness that shadows my heart. Unforgiveness.
The Bible says:
"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14
So, The Lord commands me to forgive others.
It's not exactly an easy thing to say your sorry, but it's even harder to ask for forgiveness. One is admitting that you are wrong and the other is giving someone else control over closure in the situation. I'm actually not bad at saying sorry, but I rarely ask for forgiveness because I'm a control freak.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
Confessing, or saying "I messed up" and then receiving God's forgiveness. Notice it doesn't say, "confess and then you have to request forgiveness". We should ask Him to forgive us each time we sin because (if you are a christian) we have a relationship with Him, but God readily forgives us. We should also be so eager to forgive others. And to receive forgiveness.

Sweet Serenity

The picture pretty much describes how I am feeling right now. Very serene and calm. In fact I was calm all day. I slept peacefully last night. It was very unlike me considering the situation. I can only give God the credit. I knew that people were praying for us. I only shared our news with a few people. Of course the ladies at work new because that's where I was when I got the call. I was so excited. I also told three close friends, my sister-in-law, and my parents (oh, and anyone who reads my blog). I didn't want to tell everyone we knew because it's impossible to untell - like if she decided not to meet us after all. Anyway, I honestly only got a little nervous once. But, I'll get to that in a minute. First I just wanted to say that I'm not going to give every detail of our meeting. Some of it feels very raw and personal. But, I am excited to get some of it out. We both woke up about 8:00 a.m. this morning, even though we didn't really need to leave until 12:00. It takes about two hours to get to our agency. We snuggled in bed and talked about..... well, everything. We invited Mo into bed, which was a rare treat for him. About 9:30 I got up and gave myself a pedicure. Really, I did. I was planning to wear sandals and I knew it would make feel more confident. I picked, filed, exfoliated, buffed, and painted. I got showered and dressed (I ended up wearing jeans because it was a little chilly) around 11:00. My husband laid out some clothes, and I laid out some new ones. LOL Poor guy. I searched through my greeting card stash for the perfect thank you card. Our sw suggested that we bring a thank you card to give to Kmom. So, I found on that was homemade, like with all of that stampin stuff. Looked like I made it. I wrote something like, " thanks for meeting with us. we will be praying for you and your baby." and included a bible verse. At 12:00 we were off. We stopped half way at a Wendy's. By the way, there new sea salt fries are soggy. We arrived at the agency a few minutes before 2:00. The whole way there we just listened to the radio and chatted about our week. I was so surprised that neither of us was freaking out yet. We entered the building and checked in with the receptionist. "N" showed up after a couple minutes with our photo album. She said that we could show it to her to break the ice. So, with album in hand we followed her down the hall to a meeting room. As I sat down to begin talking all of my saliva was gone. But, I started in anyway and I was fine. We met for an hour. We asked a few questions, but the ball was mostly in Kmom's court. We really liked her. She is very friendly and funny. "N" walked us out and spoke to us briefly in the parking lot. She told us she would call us as soon as she knew what the verdict was.

At the moment that is all I'm willing to share. I had no idea that I would feel so reserved about it, but I do. It feels very precious.
"...and his mother kept and closely and persistently guarded all these things in her heart." Luke 2:51

THE Phone Call

You know, that magical phone call that all waiting adoptive couple's are waiting for. The one that has your social worker on the other end and she is saying, "You've been chosen!". We finally got one. Finally! After two years and 8 months, we finally really have a birthmom interested in meeting us. It happened Tuesday while I was at work. I was having a difficult day. The daycare children seemed to be particularly rowdy and my patients were long gone. I was all ready to enter my happy place and walk the rest of the day in auto pilot when I feel a vibration in my pocket. I take my phone out just in time to see that I have a missed call. I non-chalontly flip my phone open and choose to view who it was and I am awe struck to see that it is our social worker "N". My breath is caught in my chest as I realize that she has called me in the middle of the day when she knows I would be at work. She could have waited until later. It's an emergency!!! I look up at my boss who is looking at me with annoyance because I have my phone out during circle time. "It's our social worker", I say with as much wonderment as you can imagine and more. Her reaction is one of confusion- "Our adoption worker", I remind her. "Can I call her back!" It was really more of a declaration that I was going to call rather than a request for permission. She nods her head in acknowledgement while singing the silly preschool song coming from the boom box. I practically run to the kitchen where I can have a little quiet and privacy. I fumble with my phone buttons, trying to call up my "missed calls" category. Then my phone tells me that I have a voice message. I listen to it and she is indeed telling me that I have to call her as soon as possible. Finally I manage to locate the right contact and call her work cell phone. And............. no one answers. I'm starting to sweat thinking that she may be contacting another couple on the list and giving our baby away. Seconds later, she calls me back again. She says, "I'm calling for two reasons", I'm thinking, "Oh boy, TWINS!". That makes me smile just typing it. "First reason is that we need to reschedule your home visit to another date." I'm like ok, and...... "And the second is that I've been working with a new birthmom and she wants to meet you guys". Now, there was a lot more stuff after that, but I wasn't really listening. My only responses were, "You're kidding me" & "Friday". So, tomorrow we go to have our first match meeting. The only details I have are that the baby is healthy, the birthmom's name (I will be calling her "Kmom" here), and that she hasn't found out the sex because she didn't want to know. I'm mostly still in shock I think. I emailed our sw with a bunch of questions today. I'm hoping that the weather is good tomorrow so that I can wear the outfit that I'm wanting to wear. Khaki capri's, feminine frilly tank top with peach flowers, and a new pair of sandal's that my dad picked out for me recently. I have clue what to do with my hair. I know these are silly things but it's all the deeper my brain is letting me get right now. Tonight, I probably won't be able to sleep and I will be working myself up into a bunch of anxiety. I will probably puke at least once. Maybe even hyperventilate. By 2 o'clock tomorrow though, I will be as cool as a cucumber and ready for whatever. Am I getting my hopes up? Absolutely! All I got is hope. All I've ever had is hope! But, yeah, I realize that she may not like us. Even if she does, she might change her mind. She might decide to parent, even after the baby is born. Illinois law says she has to wait three days before signing surrenders. But, I gotta hope! I'll post about the meeting when we get home Friday. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated!

Bad Girls of the Bible

click on the pic to order the book from amazon.com

Some ladies at my church started this study and I've been going. We are on chapter three.
So far, I'm really enjoying it. I think that God did include in the Bible people's mistakes so that we can learn from them. So that we can know what not to do. I also think that we (christian women) should share our mistakes so that others can learn from them and realize that everybody messes up. I scan a lot of blogs and sometimes it seems like everybody else has it all together perfectly. Well, never let it be said that I am one of those. I seriously mess up in being a christian woman and wife on a daily basis. For example, just tonight I told my husband to shut up and then I accidentally said a curse word later on. I am not blameless. But, I am forgiven. It is sometimes an hourly struggle to "be not conformed to the world"-Romans 12:2 but it helps to know that I am not alone.

A New Year

I've been doing pretty good this holiday. We celebrated Christmas just the two of us. We had a lazy, pajama wearing, movie watching, junk food eating day on Christmas day. I worked on and off through out the preparation time and we spent New Years Eve as we usually do - sleeping- since he had to work the next day. Those pigs don't much care what day it is. So, this year I thought that I had avoided the holiday blues - until today. I'm not sure if it is a delayed reaction, a result of a change in medication (we no longer have pharmacy coverage), or due to today's sermon on faith; but I'm feeling pretty yucky about life. Maybe it is from holding my friend's two day old baby last night. It's the same old thing: wondering if we will ever be parents, wondering if God even wants us to have children.... so on and so forth. I'm so tired of this game. I can't believe that we have been at this for 28 months. Been wanting what we can't have for 7 years. Been desiring children with my husband for 10+ years. I'm just so tired. I don't want to want it anymore. The harder I pray, the more I desire, the better I get at pretending..... None of it gets me anywhere. True, I'll probably feel better in a few days. I'll have some kind of renewed hope and faith and I'll feel regret for these thoughts of pity that I'm having, but I can't help having them. I wish I didn't need to have them, but I guess I do.

Hello There

Man, it's been way too long since I blogged anything substantial. I've missed it. We are still without Internet at home, and it turns out that having it turned off was a very good move for us. Well.... first let me address my last post. We had the opportunity to adopt a seven year old boy. But, he went to live with another wonderful family instead. Two days later my hubby lost his job. So, of course - God knows exactly what He is doing. My husband had worked for the same corporation for almost 13 years. To put it simply, he was making too much money. They fired him, and hired someone else to do his job for half the money. No doubt half the skill too, but it's the bottom line you know. He was devastated and I was beyond afraid. But, we have been making do. He went on unemployment, but we have yet to see any of that money. He was given a severance and we've been living off of that and my check. I've been working as much as I can. My co-workers have even given me some of their hours. Actually, it has been a fairly positive experience. We've enjoyed having more time together and he seems to have had a load lifted from him. I didn't realize how unhappy he was at his previous job until it was gone. He is so much lighter. He is free. He has been hard at work trying to find another job. He found one through a temp agency at a factory. But then a hog farm he had applied at called him Monday. He is really enjoying it. He loves animals and being outside. It's amazing to see him satisfied with his work. No, he isn't making nearly as much as he was but I know that everything will fine. We celebrated our 1oth anniversary last week. Well, we didn't really do anything to celebrate, but you know what I mean. Things are not what I imagined they would be 10 years ago. I thought we would have children. I thought we would be financially stable and beyond that, very comfortable. I thought I would be a stay-at-home mother. God says, "My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways." (Isaiah 55:8) and He has been reminding me of that often. He follows that up with, "I have awesome plans for your future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Discontentment

I think it is no secret that I've been suffering from discontentment for a pretty long time. This last week I've been reading up on all sorts of "family building" options. "Family building" - that's what they call it when people with broken reproducers try to find a way to have kids. I guess I decided that I was sick of waiting on domestic infant adoption and I was going to move on to something else. I researched international adoption, 3rd party gestation, and frozen embryo adoption. Each night I was up late reading the computer screen until my eyes were blurry and my mouse hand hurt. I discussed FEA with my husband and being the wonderful guy he is he said, "Lets go see a doctor I guess". But, I had been waiting from some word from the Lord letting me know what He thought we should do. I knew deep down that I hadn't gotten his permission yet to deviate from DIA. My own restlessness doesn't mean that He wants us to move on. It just means I'm impatient and controlling. Last night I decided that it was time to shut the computer down and do some reading before my brain completely roted away. While I was reading the latest Christian Amish book, some words from my husband came into mind. A few days ago he was talking about a coworker and he mentioned that he and his wife had never had any children. I asked him why they hadn't tried anything and his answer was, "I guess they are happy with their life just the two of them.". At the time I didn't give his statement much thought, but as it entered my memory out of nowhere last night I realized that God was speaking. Three years ago I was perfectly happy being a "family of two". I could see our life as being full of exciting adventures between my husband and I. I was so thankful for my marriage and the man God had put me with. I was content. I went into adoption with the attitude that if God gave us a baby that I would be so blessed but if He didn't then I could continue my happiness in our partnership. Unfortunately, something changed along the way. I became obsessed with being impatient. I wouldn't even say I was obsessed with the adoption itself or with hoping for a baby. I have been insanely impatient for the sake of being unhappy. I have been bathing in self pity. In conclusion, God said, "You better cut it out and be happy with the opportunity that I have given you!" (exact words mine of course). In other words, I have to be content with the place that God has brought me to (waiting) and live for the love story that He is writing within my life. So, there will be no changing strategies for me. I am glad to have more knowledge about international adoption and embryo adoption (they are both wonderful things), but we won't be doing them this time around, if ever. I have more faith now than I ever have that God will make us parents via domestic adoption. But, if we remain childless into old age then that has to be ok too. God has given me such an awesome thing that I don't deserve - my marriage. I've been going on and on about wishing that I could know what God has in store for my future. But, he probably isn't going to tell me and I have to accept that it doesn't matter because He has all of the control.

Infertility- Working It Out

I'm going to be working somethings out. Sorting through some thoughts. So, just bare with me.

Seven years ago we found out about my fertility issues. In the beginning all I could think to do is be angry. Then I slowly started trying to understand what to do with my new reality. I needed to know what my options were. I quickly learned that really none of them appealed to me. I could pursue fertility treatments. I was already seeing a RE. We could adopt. There are billions of children in this world who need a home. We could do a seregant. Why have babies when you can get someone else to do it? Or we could continue to ttc on our own naturally. Nothing expensive about that. What did we do? None of the above. I went back on the pill to get AF under control and we basically did nothing until our move towards adoption in 2008. I know many people wonder how we could have not tried treatments. They wonder if I can even be considered infertile since we seemingly didn't even try that hard or long. I know that some even view our situation as being our choice. That we don't already have a child because we don't really want one bad enough. Knowing my own feelings about how I see things - that last one hurts a little. We have definitely talked about all our options many.... many times. Over and Over we have the same discussion. Probably about ever 4 months or so I begin to think about fertility treatments. I come across some story of a woman who defied the odds and carried a baby despite her uni. uterus and begin to wonder. As I always do, I go to my trusty Internet for some information and I read what I wish I didn't already know. That's when I remember that not only am I working with defective parts but they are parts that could kill a baby. The odds of a UU carrying to term and delivering a live baby are something like 4o % (more or less depending on the source). Some would say that ain't bad odds. But, when I look at that figure all I can see is the other side of it. 60% chance of spontaneous abortion - and that means at any point in the pregnancy not just within the first weeks or months. My uterus is so much smaller than a normal one that the baby would simply run out of room. My husband is always eager to add that pregnancy could also kill me. There is a chance of uterine rupture which is fatal. I know of plenty of people who have suffered losses and every time I read of one I am always so thankful that I have not. Really, that is the sole reason that I continue to deny treatments. It doesn't hurt that my husband doesn't want to do them either. But, to me it is the difference between knowing the feeling of having a baby die within me and not. My desire to be a mother isn't worth that to me. I would never say that I don't think others should pursue treatments. That is up to them. If God does want me to be a mother, I am totally sure that it is not via my own womb because of some expensive procedure. And I am at peace with that. Actually, I think I have been for a while now. I guess it is more the way others make me feel about it that gets me restless. I just don't know how to explain to them why. I think most people are so eager to pass judgement on me for how I have handled this that they really wouldn't care what I said. It makes sense that I wouldn't try to explain. Most likely it is those who give birth to their children at random and at will. It is impossible to understand how I feel if you don't know my life. If you can't experience what I have been through. I can live with my infertility. Can you?
NOTE: The "you's" and such aren't directed at anyone in particular. I promise.

2 Years

We've been waiting for our baby for two years today. Alot can change in two years. The biggest thing that has changed for me is the belief that the Lord has adoption in our future. I just don't know anymore. Many times lately I've wondered, "but what if God never meant for us to adopt to begin with?". If adoption is not in God's plan for our future, then we've wasted so much effort and money. "How long do we wait until we give up?" How does one give up on something like this? I mean, that's a lot of money. Then there is the question of how to tell people that we gave up. People are always asking us if there is anything new or if we've "heard" anything. What is going to be the reaction when we suddenly say, "Actually, we aren't doing that anymore."? I mean, is quiting even an option here? Do we just wait indefinitely? Three years, six years, ten years from now can we still really say, "We're adopting"? I don't know what God wants for us.

Drip...Drip...Drip

"A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike."

Proverbs 27:15 NASB

Contentious- exhibiting an often perverse and wearisome tendency to quarrels and disputes.

First things first: I have to make a public apology to my Husband for being this woman. I have been the major contributor of the heartache in our relationship for some time now. Honey, I am so sorry.

You wouldn't believe how discontent I have been lately. Or, maybe you would. I have been so full of myself. The anger raging inside of me over how unfair my life is has been killing my marriage.

I've read Proverbs 27:15 before and I always thought it just meant that a nagging woman was annoying (which is true). Today I read it again and wondered why God was "highlighting" it for me. The last couple of days I have realized that God wants me to do something. Something really hard. He wants me to move on. I so don't want life to go on until I'm a mother. But, God wants me to get on with life. He isn't going to leave me alone until I do, and it has been making me act like a child. A brat really. As we often do now-a-days, my husband and I got into a fight tonight. When it was over, I was wondering how we had come to this place. A place of such ugliness. I finally decided to be still and listen to what God had to say to me. And I realized what that verse really means.

A few weeks ago we started to notice leaking stains on our bathroom ceiling. While they were waiting for my husband to get some time to fix the problem, they got bigger and darker. He did eventually fix it. But, if he hadn't I know that several other bad things would have resulted. The dripping would have begun in the house. Causing the floor to become warped. Causing the wood to wrought. Which would eventually cause mold. Then one day the ceiling and the floor would give way. There would be huge holes.

This was what I was causing in our marriage. I was causing structural problems in the foundation of our relationship. I wish that I could take it all back. But, all I could do was say I was sorry and commit to God and my husband that I will seek Jesus every day. Every second if necessary. I don't know how to be a good wife, or even a good person. But, He can help me to be someone that I'm not. Please pray for me as I strive to be worth more than jewels (Proverbs 31:19).

Vacation Bible School

I'm teaching Vacation Bible School this week so I am totally focused on that. I'm very grateful that I was available to teach.

My first ICLW

Those of you who read my blog and don't know what ICLW is, you can find out more about it by using the dark blue link at the top under my ticker.

This is my first ICLW. I've wanted to do it several times before, but I always seemed to miss the sign up date. I'm pretty excited to see so many people visiting my blog and to read the blogs of others who are going through some of the same kinds of things that I am. So, I'm going to get to the run down.

• Begin TTC Summer 2003.
• Surgery to remove ovarian cysts November 2003. Dr. discovers unicornuate uterus.
• Shortly after surgery I am officially dx with UU, PCOS, & incompetent cervix by a RE.
• We discuss our options and decide not to have treatments & hubby isn't ready for adoption. After a year of TTC I am already done. Begin to come to terms with being a family of two. 2004
• Feb. 2006 private adoption attempt. I wasn't ready.
• Oct. 2007 private adoption attempt - failed. It was a girl, but finally we were both ready.
• Jan. 2008 begin looking into agencies.
• Feb. 2008 we met with our chosen agency.
• Aug. 2008 we are homestudy approved & waiting!
• We have several possible situations. We decide to be open to all races.
• Aug. 2009 One year waiting and I have a small breakdown. Really couldn't believe that it was taking so long.
• March 2010 A birthmom picks our profile, but chooses another couple. In the end she decided to parent anyway.
• July 2010 We are #4 on the list. We've been waiting 23 months. I'm dreading our 2 year anniversary next month.

If you want to read more about my journey you can visit my old blog and my adoption blog (only about adoption) .

A few things about me:

• I'll soon be 29.
• Be married for 10 years in November.
• I like to read, bake, clean, and blog.
• My favorite color is orange.
• I'm a born again christian, stay at home wife, and a maker of lists.

Please, Come visit me again or "Follow" me!

A Series

I've been reading through this series of posts. Here's a small quote from Part 11.

"Home should be the hub of excitement--where great plans and great lives are molded, where hospitality and ministry takes place. We do not need a church program to do ministry--instead we need to view our homes as a focal point for ministry to begin at. Are our homes perfect? Certainly not--a home filled with sinners will contain sin! Mercy, grace and forgiveness are common visitors at our home. A home of imperfect sinners will learn to rely heavily, humbly and wholeheartedly on it's Savior. "