Mis-Matched Part 2

 Sunday July 31 around 3:00 a.m.

Our room phone rang.  My hubby answered since he was closest to it, and then handed it over to me.  K was asking me to come get BabyZ.  N had texted earlier and let us know that K planned to keep BabyZ with her for the night.  So, I was pleasantly surprised at this development.  We got up and hurried down the hall.  When I entered her room I saw K holding a crying BabyZ in one hand and trying to fix her a bottle with the other.  She told me that BabyZ was hungry but that she was so tired.  I told her it was no problem and wheeled BabyZ away before she changed her mind.  Back in our room I looked at her feeding chart (we had to keep a journal of when and how much she ate, and also wet & dirty diapers) and BabyZ hadn't eaten or had her diaper changed since 10:00 p.m.  5 hours ago!  Also she was wearing a ducky sleeper and pink socks that obviously did not belong to the hospital.  I was less than happy.  We fed, burped, and changed her and settled in for a little more sleep.  We took turns, starting with my hubby holding her for a little over an hour.  Around 5 a.m. I took her so he could sleep.  I sat in the hospital bed with her resting on my chest.  This is the first time I can recall feeling something more than that initial "awe" feeling.  For the first time she was all wide eyes.  I looked at her and she looked at me.  I knew I could love this baby. 

6 a.m.

A nurse came in (they always politely knocked before entering) and said they needed to take some blood from BabyZ to check for a wide range of problems.  I reluctantly handed her over.  She was only gone for about 5 minutes.  Then she back snug in my arms.  My hubby was snoozing soundly so I continued to keep her.  Maybe 15 minutes later another nurse came in and checked her belly ribbon.  Belly ribbon = jaundice.  The tool they use is so funny.  It sort of looks like one of those new thermometers that you swipe across the fore head, only it has a suction cup on the end that glows red.  The nurse explained to me that they like the reading to be 8 or under.  BabyZ passed with a 7.1.  I remember saying to her, "Alright you passed your first test".  She smiled so I guess it was pretty funny. 

7 a.m.

I was just finishing up feeding her again, when K came in.  She apparently had an attack of manors because she knocked this time.  She said that she was having pain in our chest (drs discovered that she has heart problems during her pregnancy with BabyZ) and was headed to another floor of the hospital to be checked by her heart doctor.  She said she wanted to take BabyZ back to her room to spend a little more time with her before she moved and wouldn't be able to see her again that day.  Once they were gone we got our showers and everything.  My hubby went and got some breakfast for us from the cafeteria.  Biscuits and gravy.  I ate, but I didn't really want it.  My stomach was tied up in knots.  We didn't hear anything from K, or even about her for a while.  N texted and said she would be there soon.

8:30 a.m.

N texted and said she was in the building, but that K was asking to talk with her.  I'm not sure how long we waited to see N, maybe an hour.  She came in and asked us how we were doing.  We were physically and emotionally exhausted already and it was only Sunday.  We still had at least two more days.  Anyway, N told us that she had received a call from K that morning.  K had told her that she had decided to parent and that she didn't want to see N or us anymore.  But, when N got to the hospital a nurse told her that K was asking for her after all.  N talked with her and K said that maybe she wasn't sure what she wanted to do.  That was the first time she had ever expressed any indecision, before or after the birth.  N had actually been on her way to break the news to us and safely remove us from the situation.  Now, K was saying that she wasn't sure.  That maybe she wanted to do adoption or maybe she wanted to parent.  N said that she really couldn't say for sure which way she thought K was leaning.  Because K continued to claim she was still considering adoption we felt that we had to continue with the process.  We had to see it through.  After a little more counsel, N returned to K's room.  Oh, by the way - the whole thing about her chest hurting magically disappeared.  She had never even alerted the nurses.  The story about her moving rooms had never existed.  However, she did convince her O.B. that she was in too much pain to go home.  She managed to stay another day.

12:00 p.m.

We had both taken naps while we were waiting to hear something.  We decided that we would go down to the cafeteria and have lunch.  I texted N to let her know where we were going.  When we got down there all I could order was a glass of tea.  I just couldn't eat.  While I was watching my hubby eat, N came over with a salad on her tray and asked if she could join us.  She told us that K was still undecided.  We talked about how we were feeling about the situation and what our options were again.  N wanted us to know that we could leave the situation if we wanted since K was possibly reversing her plan.  She said we could go home if we wanted to.  But, neither of us was ready to give up hope.  As N was finishing up her meal, K texted her and told her that she wanted to see me.  Not us, but me.  N asked me if I could handle going alone.  I said that I guessed I could.  When we got up to her room it turned out that all she wanted was for us to take BabyZ back to our room.  She said that the photographer would be around to take her picture, and for reasons that I didn't yet understand she wanted the pictures to be taken in our room with her wearing clothes that we had brought. 

The Pictures

We waited for another hour for the photographer to show up.  We got a chance to feed and change her again.  We discussed whether or not we would cloth her in one of our outfits.  N told us that it was up to us.  We still hadn't decided when the photographer arrived.  She mentioned that some parents preferred skin shots.  We thought that was a great idea.  That way we weren't putting her in one of our outfits but she also wouldn't be wearing the plain, somewhat dingy looking onsie that K had put on her.  It seemed to fit every angle, except for BabyK's.  I believe I mentioned that she liked to be swaddled tight.  She hated being unwrapped and in diaper only.  The photographer was really good, but several times BabyK cried out (which was the first and only time she cried in our care).  Suddenly, K came barreling through the doorway asking why her baby was crying.  The photographer told her that most babies don't like their picture taken at first.  That seemed to calm her down enough that she could go back to her room.  Before she did, she said that she wanted all of us to come to her room to review the pictures.  When the photographer was satisfied that she had enough shots, we redressed BabyK in her mother's onsie and started back down the hall with her.  The photographer handed me a paper and said that we would need to follow certain protocol to be allowed to purchase or even view the pictures online.  I handed the paper to N to study and she said she would take care of it.  When we got to K's room we viewed the pictures and they were really cute.  K didn't mention the fact that BabyZ was undressed so I guess it suited her.  The photographer started to explain to K about ordering instructions and mentioned that we would need to do some thing before we could order ours.  She was visibly shaken.  Her plan had been for us to pay for one of the packages and then according to her we would divide up the pictures.  She made it clear that she wanted her pictures today.  With the process that we had to follow to have access to the pictures, it was going to be at least two days.  She could have her pictures right away, but not through us.  She sent us all out of the room, keeping BabyZ who had begun to cry while she was throwing her fit.  I noted that she did not so much as look at BabyZ when she started to cry.  Ironic huh.  We stood in the hallway a minute and told N that we wouldn't be buying any of the pictures.  The prices were too high and there was no way that we were buying K's pictures.  N agreed.  We walked back to our room.  It was 3:00 p.m.

Raising Our White Flag- Sunday Evening

N left the hospital but kept in contact via text.  She told us that some of K's family were visiting so we should steer clear of her room.  We found out that K hadn't told most of her family and friends about the adoption - therefore not about us either.  As the day had progressed, we became more and more aware that things were not going our way.  I know that sounds silly.  While I've been typing this I see that we were being really stupid.  Of course it wasn't going our way.  Of course she was going to parent.  But, in that present we couldn't admit it anymore than she could.  I think that we wanted to hold onto that false bit of hope so much.  After all K was still saying that she wanted to continue with the adoption plan - maybe.  But, her actions were without a doubt that of a woman who would parent.  And I'm now sure that it was premeditated.  Why else would she have brought baby clothes with her and picked out a name.  I couldn't admit that someone could be so mean as to lead us on like that.  For dinner, we made one of a series of decisions that was purely for our sanity.  We went out to eat.  I texted N and told her we were going out and she said she understand that we needed to get away from the hospital for a while.  We ate at an Applebees.  We didn't want to go back right away so we drove around.  I was trying to call my mother.  We had almost no cell signal in our room.  Only enough to text and even then we had to stand with our hand against the window.  I hadn't spoken to my parents or anyone else the whole time.  I was eager to hear my mom's voice and hear words of comfort, however now my battery was dying.  And of course the charger was in our room.  Finally I threw my phone in the floor in frustration and started to wail.  All the stress was leaking out.  I told my hubby that I was starting to hate K.  To my surprise he said "I know".  I never know for sure how he is feeling or how much of a situation he is actually picking up on.  I told him that I wasn't sure how long I could continue with the charade.  Finally being somewhat on the outside looking in, the truth was becoming clear.  As we passed by K's room on our way to ours, there were family or friends coming in and out and some huddled around her as she was sitting up in a chair.  She was holding BabyZ to her chest.  I can't swear to what I saw, but I am almost sure that K was breastfeeding.  I practically ran to our room.  When we were safe in side, my sister-in-law texted me and I told her things weren't going well.  I told her that we wanted to come home.  Her reply was that I should end my heartache.  That affected me some much.  It was like a much needed slap into reality.  K was hurting us and with no thought to how it was affecting us and we were letting her.  Again I cried, but this time it was my reaction to the dissolution of the fantasy that I had been holding on to.  We decided that K could do as she liked, but that we would no longer be participants in her game.  Our first move was not taking BabyZ that night.  N texted me to let us know that K said she would be sending BabyZ down to us sometime that night.  I was sick of being at K's beckon call.  I was done letting K call all the shots.  And I also had a horrible tension headache.  I texted N back and asked her to tell K that she could keep BabyZ for the night.  We had only spent two hours with her all day.  It seemed to me that K just wanted a night time babysitter.  I was preparing myself for letting go of BabyZ.  I had carried that "not mine" feeling with me all along, but I had started to care for her very much.  And we all know that I am in love with the idea of having a baby and being a mom.  If K wasn't going to say what she really wanted to do, I was going to have to say it for her. 

Monday Morning July 1 

My alarm went off at 7:00, but we weren't in any hurry to get up.  I crawled up into bed next hubby and we talked.  We planned out how we were going to deal with the rest of the day.  K was supposed to be facing discharge from the hospital, however I was betting she was figure out a way to remain again.  Drag things out as long as possible.  Our moves would be based on if she stayed or went.  If K stayed we would go to a hotel.  If she went home without baby we would stay.  And of course if she decided to parent we would go home.  As soon as N came in she told us that K had talked her O.B. into tying her tubes sometime that day.  She had wanted him to do it right after the birth but her usual O.B. wasn't the doctor that did the delivery and the attending doctor wouldn't do the surgery.  He told her that she would have to wait for a few weeks, but she some how got him to agree to do it Monday.  She would have her surgery in the afternoon or evening.  That's right, she was staying yet another day and night.  We let N know that we would be going to a hotel for the night.  It wasn't what we really wanted to do, but we felt like K was leaving us no choice.  We had to do something.  As long as K was in the building we would not be bonding with BabyZ.  Confident in our plan we went downstairs to get some breakfast.  We thought that we should wait to see if K went through with the tubal before we packed all our stuff and left.  So, we napped for a while and watched t.v. 

11:00 a.m.

N came in to talk to us.  She said that K still wasn't committing to an answer.  Then she reminded us of something that we had forgot to consider.  The law says that K has to wait 72 hours to sign surrenders.  But, she doesn't have to sign.  She could have longer if she wanted.  We didn't need any time to discuss what we would do in that situation.  There was no way we could consider taking BabyZ home without surrenders.  If K had been leaning more towards adoption, it may have been different.  If she hadn't manipulated and lied it may have been different.  But she had totally lost all our trust and respect.  The thought of taking BabyZ home and K deciding to parent was more than we could bare.  We didn't want to put anyone through that.  Us, BabyZ, or N.  We agreed that if K intended to drag this out beyond Tuesday morning, then she would have to take BabyZ home without signing or BabyZ would have to be placed in foster care until K made up her mind (that's the policy).  We prayed for BabyZ's sake that she would just admit that she was parenting before that had to happen.  I had to keep reminding myself that K was doing this to all of us.  That we were simply trying to survive at this point.  N also told us that K was now saying the birthdad was someone else.  Someone other than the man she named before.  That just sealed it for us.  We know a family that had a placement.  The birthmom lied about who the birthdad was and after bonding with the baby for a month our agency had to take him away from our friends.  As my hubby would say, that would destroy me. 

Goodbye 

After N was finished talking to us we decided that we wanted to see BabyZ one last time.  Luckily she was in the nursery and K was sleeping in her room.  We scrubbed up and put on those gowns that look like toilet paper.  BabyZ had her own little cubby with a rocking chair and a swivel chair.  The rest of the small space was occupied by machinery used for preemie babies.  Hubby held her first.  I watched as he smiled and cooed over her.  He has an amazing father instinct.  I noticed on the feeding chart that there was erasing and pen scribbles all over the line where her name goes.  We knew that K had been changing the name all over the place.  K used our name when we were around.  But, she had used her first name and our first name as BabyZ's middle name on the first draft of the birth certificate.  Once we realized the truth, it made me really angry that she used our name.  The first name that we chose was a version of my Grandmother's name.  She was really special to me.  I was sarcastically amused and also relieved when I saw on her feeding chart that K had finally written down the name that she intended to use all along.  The first name started with a Z and the middle name with a G - but I can't feel confident in pronouncing either of them.  Let me say, though, that they were two very large names for such a tiny baby.  Well, anyway, when hubby was done holding her he asked me if I wanted a turn.  I had previously told him that I didn't want to hold her.  When he offered her to me, however, I had to take her one last time.  She was so peaceful and content.  Not at all like the crazy situation that surrounded her.  I was sitting in the rocker, however I refused to let myself rock her.  All weekend neither of us called her by the first name we had picked.  We also didn't call each other mom or dad either.  And I didn't sing to her.  That's kind of my thing.  I did, in that moment, hold her against my chest again just like I had that first night.  For one more minute I could pretend that she was mine.  That things were finally going to be right.  For 8 years I have waited to prove that nurse wrong.  The one that told me just after my surgery that I wouldn't be able to have children.  For 8 years I have craved the very thing I couldn't have.  All the struggling, tears, arguing, and money had come down to this one tiny little girl - and I had to place her back in that crib and let go.  Again, I stood there with my hand on her blanket just like when I first saw her.  I'm not sure when it started but before I knew it I was weeping into my hubby silly thin gown.  I couldn't believe that I had to walk away from her.  But, after some kind words from a nurse and one last look - we did.  We removed our gowns and walked out.  We went back to our room and packed our things.  I texted N that we were going out to lunch and then to walk around at the mall.  I let a nurse at the front desk know that we would be out for a while and we left. 
5:00 p.m.
N had texted me that she was back at the hospital.  She wanted to talk to us one more time before we all left for the day.  We drove back to the hospital.  N told us that K was in her surgery.  She said that she told K about our plan to get a hotel and that she had seemed agitated about it but also she said she understood that this was difficult on us too.  I seriously doubt she meant it.  We talked with N in our room for a while.  N was hoping to get to talk with K before she (N) went home.  I really don't know if she ever did.  We left for our hotel around 6:30.  We stayed at a Comfort Inn and it was really very nice.  We splurged and requested a jacuzzi room.  We figured we deserved it.  We had pizza delivered and we relaxed in the tub.  We went to bed early.  Being in that hospital had been exhausting. 
Tuesday July 2 @ 7:00 a.m.

We woke up to nervous stomachs, although my hubby was still able to scarf down some cereal from the continental breakfast.  We showered and dressed and I repacked our things for the final time.  We spooned on the bed watching t.v.  I'm not sure we said more than 10 words to each other all morning. 
9:18 a.m.
My phone rings and it is N's ringtone.  I answer and as soon as N spoke I knew.  She sounded so mournful even though she was only asking me how we were doing.  I wanted to hang up, but I listened to everything she had to say.  It was a really short simple sentence.  "K is going to parent".  Finally, there it was.  The truth that everyone has been avoiding but knew existed.  All I could say was okay.  Hubby wouldn't let me wait to tell him.  I covered the hearing end and told him that she was parenting.  He threw up his hands and went to vent on the other side of the room.  N told me how sorry she was and mentioned that the agency offered counseling.  I told her that we appreciated everything she had done for us.  She said she would be checking on us later.  I hung up. 
Overwhelming sadness mixed with relief that it was over.  I made my hubby remove the band from my arm.  He flung it into the trash can.  We hugged for a few minutes, then grabbed our bags and checked out.
The Drive Home
On the way home I texted our friends and family that had been following the saga.  And all the way home my phone beeped with messages of sympathy and support.  We were already healing on our drive.  Hubby would say something like, "It's probably for the best" and I would realize something that had happened that assured me he was right.  As we talked, all the pieces of the weekend seemed to come together.  We could plainly see that K had never really wanted to place with us.  Maybe even from the beginning.  Still, we agreed that we were glad to have met BabyZ.  We were glad that we got the privilege to care for her during her first days of life.  Even though she will never know us, we will remember her and we will pray for her everyday. 

Mis-Matched

I've been putting off a post all weekend.  And all afternoon.  But, I feel like I need to get it typed up before memories start to fade.  It's been a while since I blogged anything this difficult to talk about but I know I need to so that I can go back and read what happened later - and so that our friends and family that read my blog can have an account of the whole story to fill in the blanks left between texts and interrupted phone calls.  So, here goes - starting from

Friday July 29; afternoon

I got a call from N saying that Kmom (who, from now on I will refer to as just K) had been to her doctor and that they were planning to induce her on Monday July 1.  N had verified the information with the doctor.  I was sort of excited, but a little cautious too.  Things the past few weeks had been rocky at best.  I had become very suspicious - and it turns out rightfully so. 

Friday evening around 11 pm

I checked my email since K was known for late night communication and she had indeed sent me something.  Her words were simply, "She's a lovely 8 lbs".  My first reaction was shock, thinking that she had already given birth.  However, keeping in mind her recent deceptions - my response was, "N told me that you had been to the doctor.  Did you have another ultrasound today?".  I waited for an hour for a reply and never got one.  I went to bed @ 1:00.

Allow me to interject a little back story as to my whereabouts at this point.

A friend of mine had lady bits surgery last Wednesday.  I volunteered to help her with her son on Friday, Saturday, & Sunday while her husband was working since I had also had a similar surgery 8 years ago.  Because I would be there late and since my parent's house was closer to my friend's than my own home, I decided that I would spend nights at my parent's rather than going home.  On Friday night I was sleeping in my Mom's guest room.  My husband is at home.

Saturday July 30th around 3 a.m.

My phone goes off and it's my husband's tone.  I scramble in the dark to answer it.  I don't remember exactly all he said, but he told me that N had tried to call me and then called him.  K was in active labor, however N hadn't been allowed to speak with K.  N recommended that we did not come just yet, until she was able to talk with K and find out if everything was still a go.  I hung up very confused.  The plan that we had always talked about was that we would be there when El (from now on I will call her BabyZ) was born and that I would even be in the delivery room.  I called N to hear everything directly from her.  Poor N - working in her own home at 3 a.m. on a Saturday.  Her daughter was crying in the background since she had been woke up by all the phone calls and her mother moving around.  N repeats everything that my husband had told me and asks me if we could be in the area of the hospital at 8 a.m.  She was planning on going up there around 6 to see if she could find out what was going on.  I said we would.  I called my husband back and told him that I was coming home.  I gathered all my stuff and tip toed to the door.  I didn't want to tell my parent's what was going on because I wasn't sure myself.  Just as I opened the front door my mom stirred in her living room chair.  She looked at me and asked if I was going home, I told her I was and she told me to be careful and went back to sleep.  When I got home I checked my email again to see if K had ever replied back and she had not.  It was a horrible feeling not knowing what was happening and feeling so in the dark about our own child's birth.  I was pretty sure that we wouldn't even make it to the hospital before N called and told us that K had decided to parent (keep her).  A part of me wishes that she had.

5 a.m.

My alarm goes off.  All total I got 3 hours of sleep.  I had dozed off in the chair laying long ways with legs dangling over one arm.  When the alarm went off I reacted like it was a call and tried to stand up to answer it, but landed in the floor.  Hubby laughed at me and it broke the tension a little that had been hanging in the room since I got home.  I raced around the house to gather everything I thought we would need.  I had previously made a short vague list, but it did little to help me pack.

6 a.m.

A tote bag with all of our electronics and our adoption folder, a car seat, a stuffed diaper bag, and an over-flowing rolling suitcase were waiting by our front door.  We loaded everything up in our truck and started our 2 hour drive south.  About 30 minutes into our journey, my husband realizes that he left his wallet behind.  It was too late to turn around so he did without it for 3 days.  It hadn't really mattered. 

7:10 a.m.

N texts me to tell me that she is at the hospital and was finally able to talk with K.  BabyZ had been born at 3:50 a.m.  She says that K does want us to come to the hospital.  So we abandon the plan to go to a restaurant near the hospital for breakfast (and anxious waiting), and I find the hospital on our gps. 

8:00 a.m.

We pull up to the hospital and park.  I text N to let her know that we are there and wait for further instruction.  She texts me back to come to the 2nd floor and wait outside the elevator.  She would meet us there.  We stand around for several minutes in the hall way of the O.B. waiting for N to come walking around one of the corners.  Finally she joins us and lets us know that K wants to see us, however she was not yet in her room.  We wait longer, talking with N.  N tells us that BabyZ has lots of hair and that she is healthy.  She tells us that K is still planning on adoption.  However, we also find out that K has seen and held BabyZ, which was the opposite of everything K had told us in our meetings before.  Still we were optimistic.  Finally, we get the go ahead to visit K's room. 

Our Stay In K's Room

When we first walked in, I glance over at BabyZ but try to keep my focus on K.  In all of my reading and in our training class, we were told to make sure the birthmom feels that we are sympathetic to her situation.  Both of just having given birth and that she is going through a major struggle to decide what is best for her baby.  But, a few seconds later she invites me to hold BabyZ.  I move towards her rolling crib and lay my hands on top of her tiny blanket wrapped body.  Smiling, I gently finger her little cap and the soft toffs of hair sticking out from under it.  I sort of hovered there for several seconds.  Again, K says that I should hold her.  I had a terribly strong urge to snatch her up and run for the door.  But, I gently moved to pick her up.  That's when I notice the card on the side of her crib.  I stood there, stopped in mid pick up.  "How do you pronounce her name?" I ask cooly, but nearly dying inside.  In our meetings she had told us that she would use the first and middle names we had picked out.  Yet, right there written in pen, was another name.  And yes, it was truly a name I couldn't pronounce just by looking at it.  She assured me that it was the doings of some family that had been in to visit her.  But, by the tone in her voice I knew different.  It was the first of many times in the next 72 hours that I felt sick to my stomach.  I completed my lifting of BabyZ, but I turned and placed her into my hubby's arms.  I wish I could describe his reaction to her, but i really can't.  He was..... totally instantly smitten.  From somewhere inside him surfaced a daddy personality that I had never seen before.  He was melted.  He took her over to a visitor's seat and held her.  I sat next to him and watched.  In the corner of my eye I watched K too.  She seemed to have no reaction to seeing him hold her baby.  None.  Not sadness, not annoyance, not happiness... nothing.  After a few minutes he offered her to me.  My intuition was screaming at me to refuse, but my arms went out and received her anyway.  I can't say how many times I had dreamed of that moment.  I would fantasize about how it would feel to hold my baby and how I would react.  The truth of that particular moment was much different.  One phrase ran through my heart over and over, "This is not my baby".  I'm pretty sure I conveyed pleasure, but really I was scared of the disconnection I was feeling.  I didn't take my eyes off her.  I tried take in each and everyone of her features, but couldn't seem to distinguish her from any other "someone else's baby" that I had held before.  Maybe it doesn't make since, but I was basically trying to recognize her as my baby.  And I couldn't.  Don't get me wrong, she is gorgeous.  Absolutely beautiful.  Perfect.  But, she wasn't mine.  I don't believe that it was me trying to protect myself from bonding.  I was fully prepared to bond.  I know it was the Lord guarding my heart.  Still, I wasn't ready to admit what I already knew.  We held BabyZ for hours in K's room.  We weren't allowed to take her to our room down the hall until I was "banded".  K had to give the hospital permission to give me a plastic band that had a number on it that would connect me to K and BabyZ.  We were only there for a few minutes before N brought up the band for the first time.  K ignored her.  She continued to do so until 3 p.m.  Again, this was not what we all had planned on in our meetings.  In fact, K had just said she wanted us to take BabyZ down to our room and care for her right before we got to the hospital.  During our stay in K's room we began to see a different side of K.  In our visits she was kind of shy and sweet.  That first day we watched her be the worst patient I have ever seen.  She was so rude to the hospital staff that were only trying to take care of her.  Almost every time N spoke to her she acted as if she were about to hyperventilate.  She was so hyper all the time.  I guess maybe agitated would be the right word.  I'm not sure.  Towards us she was indifferent.  She did continue to talk like she was going with adoption in front of us.  She even used the name we chose for BabyZ when we were around.  K was awake the whole time we were in her room, even though she hadn't slept all night and had just given birth.  She was so groggy, but she would not leave us alone with her baby.  We fed BabyZ every time she needed to be fed.  We changed her every time she need to be changed.  All under the watchful eye of K. 

3:00 P.M.

Finally, she consented to the banding.  When the nurse came in to start the process K had her eyes closed as if she was sleeping the whole time.  However, she answered the nurse's questions so she obviously wasn't.  After I got the band, she told us we could take BabyZ to our room.  She said she needed to sleep.  It was such a relief to be in our own space and on our own with her.  Right away I got some pictures of her and took a short video of her (which I will post tomorrow).  We fed her again.  She didn't know how to suck at first.  We had to move her chin up and down creating sucking motions for her.  It was awkward at first, but we got the hang of it.  She ate well for a very new newborn.  I believe the first time we fed her she took 15 ml.  She was easy to burp and didn't cry when she was hungry (or not for us anyway).  She would just start to "root" as my hubby calls it, or open her mouth and search for the nipple.  We fed her every 3 to 4 hours.  In fact she never cried for us until the pictures, but I will get to that in a second.  We held her constantly.  She was rarely in her crib when she was in our room.  Our room was two doors down from K's.  It was pretty large for a hospital room.  We had our own bathroom with a shower, a nice flat screen t.v., and a bed and couch that turned out into a bed.  It really was nice considering the situation.  The hospital staff were amazing with us.  I never could have dreamed that they would be so nice.  They treated us like we were patients, only VIP even.  The nurse that was assigned to K was also assigned to us.  Each shift change, that nurse would come in and introduce herself to us, ask us if there was anything she could get us or do for us, and offer her services for the remainder of her shift.  We couldn't ask for a better staff.  They made us feel at home (as much as one can in a hospital) and they each expressed to us their positive sentiments concerning our situation.  They and N made the ordeal bearable. 

7:00 P.M.

Our door opens and K walks in.  A nurse was hurrying to keep up behind her.  I was sitting on our couch holding BabyZ.  With arms held out and a scowl on her face, she wordlessly motioned for me to hand BabyZ over.  Now this is the same woman who was telling us how much she was hurting all day.  She practically stomped into our room.  No bending over or anything.  I complied and K was off with nurse and baby in tow.  My hubby shut the door behind them.  His eyes were wide with confusion.  There was no doubt in my mind though.  As soon as I saw K's eyes when she demanded her baby from me - I knew two things.  K would keep her all night and she would end up parenting.  I think that is when I started to shut down emotionally.  I cried and I don't think my hubby knew why.  He knew that what had just happened was off, but he hadn't seen what I saw.  It was a familiar look, only I had never seen it with such malice.  The look of a momma wanting her child back.  From one woman to another.  "Alright you've held my baby long enough, hand her over".  You wouldn't expect such things from a woman who planned to allow you to mother her child.  That's because the woman who planned to do that wouldn't. 

Well, I've been working on this post for hours now (in between eating and other distractions) and it's nearly midnight.  I'm going to have to make this a two parter I guess. 

To Be Continued....

This Is It

 

I think this might be it.  I emailed Kmom yesterday to ask how she was and she never responded.  Up 'til now she has always replied back right away since she uses her cell phone. 

At this point I'm just hoping that Kmom will go ahead and let me or N know if she has changed her mind so that I can start to really deal with everything and move on.  I believe I've earned my right to closure.

Weeping Willow

I've always like the weeping willow tree. For a short time we had a weeping willow at a place that I lived when I was a kid. We moved after only a few months, but I still remember playing under the tree. It was like I was deep in an enchanted forest or something. Tonight, I sort of feel like a weeping willow. The last few days I've been living somewhere between denial and anger. Tonight I've started the sad part of the process. The grieving. True, there is no confirmation that Kmom has changed her mind; but in my heart I know it is merely a matter of time. How odd to grieve someone I never had. A baby that I never held. A love that I have never expressed. But, I do. My heart hurts .... oh God it hurts!

On The Road Again

Tuesday morning I decided to head out on the road with my hubby. It was literally a last minute descion on both our parts. When he first started his job, about two months ago, he was told that no one was allowed to even ride in his company truck much less go on the road with him. However, recently he was told that he actually was allowed to have "ride alongs" (as if he were a cope or something) occasionally. Well, I've been so preoccupied about the baby I felt that I couldn't possibly be so far away from the hospital that she is being delivered in. So, I hadn't gone with him at all. Well, with the news we got on Monday I really wanted to be near my hubby and I figured I could use the time away from everything. Maybe, if only for a day, I could relax and focus on something else. Like the open road. We started out early on Tuesday morning, but not as early as he would've liked. By the time we decided that I could and should indeed come with him he was all ready to go and I was still in my pjs. So, I made him a little late. But, it was still early for me. I am not a morning person. Which is why I slept part of the way to our first location. Basically what my husband does is this: He installs and repairs monitoring systems on farm chemical tanks. Some jobs take only a few minutes, other take hours. The sites tend to be very rural, not always but most of the time. It was a pleasant surprise when I could get a decent cell phone signal to text or web. So, I spent a lot of time sitting in his company truck watching him work. There was a few things I could help him out with. Mainly paperwork and working his gps. Thankfully, I had picked up a book and my mp3 before we left the house. I also did a lot of napping. Overall, I ended up staying out with him for three days. We just got home a few hours ago (It is now nearly 11:00 p.m.). I had a lot of time to myself in his truck to think and pray. I came to the conclusion that whatever God has in store for us concerning this baby, I can deal with it. If Kmom changes her mind, then it's ok. If she places with us, then great. If we have to go around and around, back and forth for the next 5 weeks - then so be it. I have had almost 8 years to become comfortable with having hope & faith in God where my motherhood is concerned, and I can do this. All of the struggling and heartache as brought me to this point. I am so close to being a mother, but If God has brought me here so that He can let it be taken from me.... then I will cry and be sad, but it's not the end of the world. I have so much in my life. A wonderful husband, an amazing family ( my parents, my brother & his family, grandparents), and I have a future. Baby or not. I'm going to be fine. It is going to be okay.

Update: Monday evening N called me and told me that Kmom's doctor had confirmed that there never was an inducement date. Furthermore, Kmom was only 35 weeks along. We will probably never know the reason for the confusion (or deception if that is the case). N still tells me that Kmom is committed to placing with us. However, we have our doubts (and rightly so). In any case, we are determined to see this through to whatever end. Please keep us in your prayers.

We Have Lift Off

We finally have a date! Kmom is being induced next Friday (July 22nd) @ 10:00 a.m. I am so excited to have a certain date. All of this not knowing has been making me crazy. We are meeting N & Kmom at the hospital. The plan as of now is for me to be in the room for the delivery. Then after the nurses and doctors are done with her, El will be staying with us in our very own room at the hospital. There we will wait the three days until Kmom signs the surrenders. The state says she has to wait three days. If everything goes well, we may have a baby sometime on the 22nd and then bring her home on the 25th. She is fairly close to her due date, so I doubt that she will be low birth weight. But, if she is we may have to wait a few days/weeks to bring her home. That will be really difficult, but I'm trying not to get to ahead of myself. Yes, Kmom could change her mind. But, again, I will deal with that if and when it happens. Right now, I am focusing on wrapping up all my preparations and being totally positive.

Disappointment

Don't get me wrong, I can deal with disappointment. It goes with the territory. But, it's never easy. Today N texted me and told me that Kmom had gone to the hospital again yesterday because she was having trouble. While she was there they gave her an ultrasound. So, she isn't having one tomorrow. I was so looking forward to seeing El in action. I've never looked at an ultrasound screen and seen a baby on there, only cysts or my weird uterus. It meant a lot to me. [sigh] Oh well. The rest of the news isn't real encouraging. The baby has turned from her breech position, but she is now sideways. Also, Kmom has made it definite that she is waiting for El to come on her own rather than provoking her arrival this weekend. Which brings me back to simply waiting and seeing. Seeing and waiting. It puts me in the mind of Eeyore - "Oh Bother!".

Ultrasound Appointment

Isn't that an amazing picture of a baby in utero. I'm sure it is probably not actually in utero but it is really neat anyway.

Friday Kmom is having an ultrasound. She had an amnio last Saturday, although we haven't heard the results. If the doctor thinks the the baby is developed enough and that it would be best for Kmom to deliver, then we may have a baby on Friday. However, Kmom isn't too thrilled about the turning, inducement, or a c-section. Basically, she would be more comfortable with El just coming on her own time. I would be thrilled if El came this weekend, but I just want everyone to be happy and healthy. At the moment I'm trying to focus on just the ultrasound.

It's A Girl!

You can't believe how hard it has been not to tell. The reason that I can tell now is that Kmom found out the sex, accidentally. She wasn't feeling well last week and went to the hospital and a nurse spilled the beans to her. Our visit went well. Kmom told us that the baby is breach. Because Kmom's health isn't good they are hoping to deliver baby on Friday. They are going to try to turn baby. But, if they can't then they will do a c-section. Kmom has said that she wants me in the room for a vaginal birth. She is allowing us to name the baby. We have chosen the name, but here I will be calling her "El". We will have our own room at the hospital for the 72 hour wait and El will room with us. I'm just more thrilled than I can stand.

Summer

Today is the first day of summer and it is the first day that I can finally say that I am better. I would say that I am about 95% better. I still cough a little when I try to laugh and I still have a dull pain in my left side. Oh hey, did I ever talk about that pain. I don't think I did. One night around week 3 I was laying on the couch with my left arm above my head and I coughed. When I did I got this pain. It's sort of like under my left breast. Anyway, it is a pulled muscle from coughing. You know you're coughing hard when you pull a muscle. A few days after, it hurt so much that it was like being stabbed with a knife every time I coughed or even sniffed. It is much better now, but still hasn't completely gone away. I have my sense of taste back, but I still haven't fully regained my sense of smell.

I've been filling in at the daycare recently. Once last week and Monday & today. They also have me coming tomorrow. It is nice feeling needed, especially right now since my hubby is away from home frequently for work. However, it is exhausting. I'm talking 10 hour days with sometimes 30+ children, Ages 12 mos. to 11 years old. Believe me, they should be paying us more than they do. But, I love them anyway.

Adoption update: Kmom is having a lot of trouble with this pregnancy, but Peanut is doing good. We are visiting with Kmom again on Friday @ 1:00.

Peanut Is Still In There

We had some excitement on Friday. Our social worker "N" called and said that Kmom was having regular contractions. My first reaction was fear because Peanut was so early. However, our next news was that Kmom was further along than previously thought. Kmom is said to now be 32 weeks along and Peanut is weighing in at 5 lbs. I was told that they were going to probably try to stop labor. Since, we haven't heard anything else since Friday I'm guessing that they were successful. People seemed to be appalled at the fact that we aren't totally up to date on everything going on, but all I can do is wait to be informed. This baby is not mine yet. Kmom can tell me as much or as little as she wants. I am thrilled that Peanut is still baking!

Meanwhile, I am still sick. Yesterday I gave in and went to the E.R. I really had had enough. After waiting for 4 hours they told me that it was a sinus infection. Chest X-ray was clear. I'm guessing that I got the sinus infection on top of the bronchitis. Anyway, I'm taking a stronger antibiotic. I took my first pill today, so we shall see. You know, when you get sick and you are feeling really miserable there is always a little comfort in knowing that the symptoms will pass in a few hours or days. I've been sick for around 4 weeks now and I'm having a hard time seeing the end of this tunnel at this point. The mucus continues.

The doctor's appointment

I don't know why I didn't write about the experience before. I guess I just like to soak in things before I share. I met my mother at her work place and she drove from there. I'm not a great driver and I've never driven on the interstate before. To get to our agency- it requires interstate travel. Plus, it was special to have my mother along - even if she couldn't go to the actual appointment with me. My mom dropped me off at the agency and I climbed into a car with our social worker, "N". We picked up Kmom and one of her children. When we pulled up to the doctor's office, "N" commented on her eye bothering her. I asked if I could see it, and sure enough it was super red. By the time we all sat down in the waiting room her eye was blood red and swelling. She managed to get some benadryl from a nurse. In the meantime, we were escorted into the exam room. A very small exam room. 3 women, a small child, and a nurse - it was a very, very small room. The nurse brought in a glass of orange stuff that Kmom had to drink for her diabetes test. Then she says, "We will test you in exactly one hour". I had no idea that the gestational diabetes test takes a whole hour. None of us did. We all sort of looked at each other like we weren't sure we had prepared to be together for an hour. In the small room. The doctor came in. He looked a little taken back by the crowd before him. Even though he knew about the adoption stuff, I don't think he was prepared for the situation. He acted like he wasn't sure who to address in the room. All I said to him was, "Hi". I didn't say much at all. I felt like I should only be a casual observer. He did a quick sonogram. I say quick because he just squirted a little of that clear jelly on her belly and literally swiped his wand over it once. But, it was enough for me. That little bleep... bleep was awesome. It was the first time that I felt like I really was going to be a mommy (hopefully). Then Kmom asked the doctor if the sex of the baby was in the file. The doctor seemed confused, he was like - didn't we tell you before? Kmom reminded him that she didn't want to know, but she told him that the adoptive parents should know. I was floored that she actually wanted us to know. Like, it was her idea. Her suggestion. The doctor looks over at me and smiles. He flips through his file folder and asks if it would be ok if he wrote it down and put it in an envelope. I greedily shook my head yes. The nurse comes back in and starts to pull out the stirrups and that was our cue to go. "N" and I parked ourselves out in the waiting room again. Her eye was already looking better. Kmom's child had fallen asleep and because "N" was on the phone I held the kid. It was very different to be sitting in an O.B. waiting room, surrounded by pregnant women and holding a kid myself. Not my kid, but you know it was...... very...... like I didn't belong there. Some of the people who were there when we came in were still sitting there and I wondered what they thought about our crew. What, did they think the situation was - because we did turn a few heads when we all came in together. There is a racial difference. An age difference. And how normal is it for three women to come together for an O.B. appointment. Despite all of that, the biggest thing on my mind was that seemed so natural. Like of course it should be this way. We had been sitting out there for a while and "N" stepped outside to talk privately on her phone. Kmom came back. I wondered what her reaction would be if she saw me sitting there holding her child alone. She actually didn't seem to have one. I handed her child back to her and we had pretty good friendly conversation. "N" came back in and took on some of the small talk. Then a receptionist came out carrying a long white envelope and handed it to me. I felt like she was giving me the most precious gift that I've ever received thus far in my life. But, I simply slid it into my purse and redirected my attention as if it were no big deal. As the nurse had promised, we waited an hour and they told Kmom that she had passed her test. I didn't open the envelope until I was back in my mother's car. I asked my mom, "Are you sure you want to know?". Her answer was yes of course. I ripped open the envelope and it was written on an index card. I'm not going to write the sex here because it's an open blog and Kmom or "N" could stumble onto it. So, until baby comes I'm still saying Peanut on my blogs. It was an amazing experience and I am loving this whole thing.

Me and an OB

I've been to many a gyno's office in the past 7 years since infertility permeated my life. But, never for the purpose of using the doctor as an OB. Tomorrow I get to go with Kmom to a doctor's appointment and I have no idea what to expect. I'm so thankful that the social worker is going too. Kmom doesn't want to know the sex, but I'm hoping that I can find out for myself. It's so amazing that Kmom wants me to go. It was her suggestion that I should go with her. During our first meeting she even mentioned the possibility of me being in the delivery room. What an amazing experience that would be. Seriously, never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect such an awesome opportunity. She is the birthmom that I have been praying for all this time.

Peanut's First Picture [WARNING: Baby Pic]

I wanted to start this post with a special note to any infertile readers that visit me. I know that ultrasound pictures are painful to look at when you wish so much that it was a picture of the inside of you. So, please, don't feel bad about clicking away now.

That being said, I had to do it. I'm hoping that it will give others a glimmer of hope that their adoption wait can come to this too. That's how I've felt when seeing other waiter's finally get their gift.

Isn't Peanut cute! This picture was taken on Monday. Kmom wanted us to have a copy of it. She is so awesome! You know, I have been excited and everything - but when I laid eyes on my Peanut, I was in love. It's all over folks. I'm officially hooked. Yeah, I have my hopes up!

Non-Stop Change

The past 14 months has been one episode of change after another. Some good changes, some not so good - but they've come none-the-less. Last Spring we nearly lost our house. Our "fixed" mortgage went sky high due to a mistake in our agreement with our mortgage company. We got way behind. We tried everything to attempt to make it cheaper again, but in the end there was nothing we could do. We had to make the costly payments until December 2010. We depleted what little we had saved for future adoption fees, we gave up several conveniences, and sacrificed a lot to keep from being homeless. January's bill came and it was so sweet to see that lower payment again! I went through a lot of heartache considering the adoption. Waiting is torment. At times I felt like maybe we should stop the adoption or move onto to something else. I just wanted so badly to be doing something other than waiting. A scripture kept filtering through, "Be still and know that I AM God". I would hear it all the time. In church sermons, in songs, in my dreams. Over and over I didn't want to understand it. A few months ago we watched the new version of the Karate Kid and in one scene the couch tells the kid, "Being still and doing nothing are two different things". That struck me really big. God wasn't asking me to do nothing so I could sit around a be miserable. He wanted me to be still and believe that He would take care of everything. Just a few weeks ago we were matched with a bmom. She is everything that I had hoped our bmom would be. Come August, hopefully, we will be parents. Last October my husband was fired from the company that he devoted himself to for 12 and a half years. He was devastated. His pride took a big blow. Being the awesome man that he is he was only unemployed for three weeks, but taking such a cut in pay and respect was very difficult for him. He began working for a hog farm. I hadn't noticed how stressful his previous job had been on him. With this new job he seemed like a load had been lifted off him. Our already strained financial situation got worse, but he was free from the burdens of that previous job. What seemed like a horrible thing, I can now see that it was a huge blessing. I started working at a daycare in August 2010. Before he lost his job. Mostly just to help out with things. But I soon realized that it was a foreshadowing of what was to come. When he didn't have a job, I did. My pay checks paid whole bills. The two wonderful women that I work for were so supportive and understanding of my situation. A coworker even let me have her hours a few times so that I could make more money. I am so thankfully that the Lord gave me that job. A few weeks ago we heard about a job opportunity and I sent them his resume. Last Wednesday the hog farm let him go. The very next morning he was hired by the new company. He started Monday. He is making more money and better benefits than his old long-time job. It is difficult because he has to be away, but I am so, so proud of him! He is devoted to working hard to provide for his family (me). He is the most amazing man! I thank God every day for giving me to him. As I said, he has to be gone some, so I am learning to be strong in holding down our fort so-to-speak. He is texting and calling me often. It is going to be super sweet to have him all to myself this weekend. My hours are being cut at the daycare for the summer due to their college employees being available full time. So, I will have the time to take care of everything going on here at home and I can meet up with him when he has to be away. When peanut comes along he/she can go too. If I am a mommy come August, then I will not be returning to work.

We've had a lot of years of nothing new. Recently, nothing stays the same. I guess it's God's way of keeping us from getting bored or too comfortable.

The Rest of The Story

My mom used to listen to Paul Harvey, ergo I listened to it too. I loved how he would say, "and know the rest of the story".
I left something out of my story yesterday. Well, a lot of somethings actually, but I'm not giving all of the details of our conversation. It's just not necessary. I mean something pretty important. However, we had decided to keep it to ourselves for awhile. Or at least I thought we did. My hubby went over to my parent's house today and I guess my mother sensed that we had left some things out. She questioned him and he found himself faced with telling my mom the truth or lying. So, some of our news got out. I was a little annoyed but I figured if we were coming out with it then we might as well go for it. So, I'll start where I left off.
After we left our agency we stopped at a Petco because that's what childless couple's do. I was checking out the dog clothes and my phone rang. It was "N"s ring tone. I couldn't imagine why she would be calling us so soon. When she started talking I felt like she was going to tell us that we had struck out. She was speaking very slow and I guess I was trying to prepare myself for bad news. Then she said, "Kmom loved you guys and she wants you". I was quiet. Trying to process what she was saying. She was like, "Are you excited!". I answered yes but I was so numb. I think I recovered pretty good by faking it. I made my voice get squeaky. Before she hung up I had finally begun to realize what was happening. My hubby was standing there going - What? I just laughed. REALLY loud. I laughed with gladness. I laughed with relief. I laughed with that "Oh My CRAP I'm going to be a mom!". 2 years and 8 mos worth of heartache just leaked out of me with that laugh. Sarah laughed, and so did I.
"And Sarah laughed within herself...." Genesis 18:12
I will share that Kmom is due in August. We've decide to call the baby "peanut". It's been a pet name with us for many years and we don't want to say "it" for the next 4 mos. The exact due date is unknown because she wasn't aware of the pregnancy for several months. Peanut is healthy and right on track with everything according to Kmom's doctor. She has chosen not to find out the sex. We are excited, but can't help but be reserved. While she seems very sure about her decision, I know that a baby changes everything. She can and may change her mind about us or adoption all together. I've seen it happen over and over. As I've said before, though, I have to hope. It's all I've got. I would rather hope than live in misery trying not to.

Sweet Serenity

The picture pretty much describes how I am feeling right now. Very serene and calm. In fact I was calm all day. I slept peacefully last night. It was very unlike me considering the situation. I can only give God the credit. I knew that people were praying for us. I only shared our news with a few people. Of course the ladies at work new because that's where I was when I got the call. I was so excited. I also told three close friends, my sister-in-law, and my parents (oh, and anyone who reads my blog). I didn't want to tell everyone we knew because it's impossible to untell - like if she decided not to meet us after all. Anyway, I honestly only got a little nervous once. But, I'll get to that in a minute. First I just wanted to say that I'm not going to give every detail of our meeting. Some of it feels very raw and personal. But, I am excited to get some of it out. We both woke up about 8:00 a.m. this morning, even though we didn't really need to leave until 12:00. It takes about two hours to get to our agency. We snuggled in bed and talked about..... well, everything. We invited Mo into bed, which was a rare treat for him. About 9:30 I got up and gave myself a pedicure. Really, I did. I was planning to wear sandals and I knew it would make feel more confident. I picked, filed, exfoliated, buffed, and painted. I got showered and dressed (I ended up wearing jeans because it was a little chilly) around 11:00. My husband laid out some clothes, and I laid out some new ones. LOL Poor guy. I searched through my greeting card stash for the perfect thank you card. Our sw suggested that we bring a thank you card to give to Kmom. So, I found on that was homemade, like with all of that stampin stuff. Looked like I made it. I wrote something like, " thanks for meeting with us. we will be praying for you and your baby." and included a bible verse. At 12:00 we were off. We stopped half way at a Wendy's. By the way, there new sea salt fries are soggy. We arrived at the agency a few minutes before 2:00. The whole way there we just listened to the radio and chatted about our week. I was so surprised that neither of us was freaking out yet. We entered the building and checked in with the receptionist. "N" showed up after a couple minutes with our photo album. She said that we could show it to her to break the ice. So, with album in hand we followed her down the hall to a meeting room. As I sat down to begin talking all of my saliva was gone. But, I started in anyway and I was fine. We met for an hour. We asked a few questions, but the ball was mostly in Kmom's court. We really liked her. She is very friendly and funny. "N" walked us out and spoke to us briefly in the parking lot. She told us she would call us as soon as she knew what the verdict was.

At the moment that is all I'm willing to share. I had no idea that I would feel so reserved about it, but I do. It feels very precious.
"...and his mother kept and closely and persistently guarded all these things in her heart." Luke 2:51

THE Phone Call

You know, that magical phone call that all waiting adoptive couple's are waiting for. The one that has your social worker on the other end and she is saying, "You've been chosen!". We finally got one. Finally! After two years and 8 months, we finally really have a birthmom interested in meeting us. It happened Tuesday while I was at work. I was having a difficult day. The daycare children seemed to be particularly rowdy and my patients were long gone. I was all ready to enter my happy place and walk the rest of the day in auto pilot when I feel a vibration in my pocket. I take my phone out just in time to see that I have a missed call. I non-chalontly flip my phone open and choose to view who it was and I am awe struck to see that it is our social worker "N". My breath is caught in my chest as I realize that she has called me in the middle of the day when she knows I would be at work. She could have waited until later. It's an emergency!!! I look up at my boss who is looking at me with annoyance because I have my phone out during circle time. "It's our social worker", I say with as much wonderment as you can imagine and more. Her reaction is one of confusion- "Our adoption worker", I remind her. "Can I call her back!" It was really more of a declaration that I was going to call rather than a request for permission. She nods her head in acknowledgement while singing the silly preschool song coming from the boom box. I practically run to the kitchen where I can have a little quiet and privacy. I fumble with my phone buttons, trying to call up my "missed calls" category. Then my phone tells me that I have a voice message. I listen to it and she is indeed telling me that I have to call her as soon as possible. Finally I manage to locate the right contact and call her work cell phone. And............. no one answers. I'm starting to sweat thinking that she may be contacting another couple on the list and giving our baby away. Seconds later, she calls me back again. She says, "I'm calling for two reasons", I'm thinking, "Oh boy, TWINS!". That makes me smile just typing it. "First reason is that we need to reschedule your home visit to another date." I'm like ok, and...... "And the second is that I've been working with a new birthmom and she wants to meet you guys". Now, there was a lot more stuff after that, but I wasn't really listening. My only responses were, "You're kidding me" & "Friday". So, tomorrow we go to have our first match meeting. The only details I have are that the baby is healthy, the birthmom's name (I will be calling her "Kmom" here), and that she hasn't found out the sex because she didn't want to know. I'm mostly still in shock I think. I emailed our sw with a bunch of questions today. I'm hoping that the weather is good tomorrow so that I can wear the outfit that I'm wanting to wear. Khaki capri's, feminine frilly tank top with peach flowers, and a new pair of sandal's that my dad picked out for me recently. I have clue what to do with my hair. I know these are silly things but it's all the deeper my brain is letting me get right now. Tonight, I probably won't be able to sleep and I will be working myself up into a bunch of anxiety. I will probably puke at least once. Maybe even hyperventilate. By 2 o'clock tomorrow though, I will be as cool as a cucumber and ready for whatever. Am I getting my hopes up? Absolutely! All I got is hope. All I've ever had is hope! But, yeah, I realize that she may not like us. Even if she does, she might change her mind. She might decide to parent, even after the baby is born. Illinois law says she has to wait three days before signing surrenders. But, I gotta hope! I'll post about the meeting when we get home Friday. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated!